24 Arguments Against Relativity

“The theory of relativity is a mathematical system that allows no exceptions. It is heavily promoted by liberals who like its encouragement of relativism and its tendency to mislead people in how they view the world. Here is a list of 24 counterexamples: any one of them shows that the theory is incorrect.” [Conservapedia]

1. Relatives.

2. The Lost finale.

3. Disappearing socks.

4. A cat’s unexplained ability to hover at your door without being either in or out.

5. Aqua Buddha.

6. There is no Rule 6.

7. There is no spoon.

8. Fucking magnets.

9. Chaste Slinkies.

10. That dream you can never remember when you wake up.

11. That profound sense of loss you feel when you realize Curb Your Enthusiasm peaked a year ago.

12. That profound sense of stupidity you feel when you realize Entourage peaked five years ago.

13. The sides of albums you never played.

14. The fact that half the people who use -gate as a scandal suffix weren’t alive for the original.

15. The Rocktoberfest Paradox.

16. The Amazing Kreskin.

17. Dick Cheney still walks the Earth.

18. Anomalies in the locations of anemones.

19. Going back in time to 1955 and almost fucking your mother.

20. Going back in time to 1986 and inventing Twitter so you can be first with the best Challenger jokes.

21. Wondering whether it’s too late in the Meme Cycle to riff on Justin Bieber.

22. Riffing on Scott Baio instead.

23. Anchor Barbies.

24. Any random bullshit we might pull out of our ass, because like Phyllis Schlafly’s spawn we don’t know what the fuck we’re talking about.

Counterexamples to Relativity [Conservapedia]

Conservapedia: E=mc2 Is A Liberal Conspiracy [TPM]


Why can’t US Fundie Conservatards turn into Amish or Mennonites? Ditch the whole modern living and stop using electricity, computers and toilet paper (three things NOT Found in the bible) because it make them look like hypocritical sinners who are fond of the devil’s tools but don’t have the balls or shame to get rid of them.

I’m almost at the point where I’d be in favor of putting all these cretinous retards of progress regardless of religious stripe into something akin to M Night Shamaladingdong’s movie the Village to let them live out their lives without the sinful trappings of modern life. Seriously, if you’re going to be difficult and pretend that the science isn’t real because it’s not in some Aramaic Shepard’s bible written some 1800 years ago then you really don’t deserve/need to use the fruits of said science.

@Manchu: the Anabaptists (Amish) are actually cool with science, they just want to limit their exposure to the toxic swim of the English aka you and me (well, me). Apparently Matthew is their book, they’re not even Old Testament peeps.

I’m down with the Amish. Shoe Fly Pie baby!

@Nabisco: I really hate being the checker of small facts, but maybe this isn’t so small. Are you confusing the Amish with the Mennonites? You’ll see Mennonites using English tech (esp in farmers’ mkts), but the Amish avoid tech as much as possible except for during Rumspringa.

@JNOV: I thought the Amish were Mennonites, who are indeed anabaptists. Mennonites are spread around. Lots in Canada city and West Hollywood.

Q: How do you spot the gay Amish?
A: Button-fly 501s.

BREAKING HARD: Plane crash in Alaska with prominent former state politician on board.


Former Sen. Ted Stevens believed on board

Yes, I bet you went where I went for that half second pause.

I like this one

# The theory predicts wormholes just as it predicts black holes, but wormholes violate causality and permit absurd time travel.

dont these assholes know the discovery channel is owned by NewsCorp?

Context-free information results in free-association non-sequitors. I am seeing it in the law constantly these days, legal arguments based on surface resemblances, similar words and phrases taken out of context. It was there in the legal analysis of Yoo and his ilk in support of the “unitary executive” theory and of torture, and this conflation of the “theory of relativity” and “moral relativism” is a perfect example. I blame internet and electronic research and the decline of catalogues and indices. And stupidity.

I dont think so. all the ones I buy are. and that is pretty much all I wear.

We are connecting the button-fly with the Amish abhorrence of zips? Or any thing not biblically sanctioned. See what I did?

@Capt Howdy: That’s how I’ve been picturing you.

@Prommie: Stupidity. Def.

@SanFranLefty: Cock teaser.


18. Anomalies in the locations of anemones.


@JNOV: German Mennonites went to northern Mexico at one point, taking with them the accordion and polka music. Here’s what eventually came out of it:

Texas Tornados, “Hey Baby Que Paso?”

@Capt Howdy: “. . . listening to “Comalies” by Lacuna Coil*.”

@Capt Howdy: I’ve always assumed the Conservapedia cretins want to march us back to the Dark Ages. What’s their problem with time travel? Seems like the easiest way to accomplish their goal.

@JNOV: I like to be fact-checked, and when it comes to Amish-Menonite things, there’s lots there. I know that the A’s can use tools with moveable parts that they make themselves, i.e. buggies, but not motorized vehicles. Bicycles but not scooters. Roller blades were allowed some time ago, on the calculation that people can only get so far away from the community under their own power (see bicycles), limiting risk of a split with the pack.

But the local fishwrap just had an article about new settlements in central Pennsyltucky (high birthrate, them Anabaptists), and although they can’t own or drive a car, they can certainly avail themselves of some local guy named Chubby to haul them and their produce to market.

Heh, Chubby.

@Walking Still: /groan/

@Dave H: I thought the same thing. The biscuits and I thrill to Pearls…. each morning.

6. The observed lack of curvature in overall space.

Ah, that’s the real problem. You can’t bounce a quarter off space’s ass.

Threadjack: Levi Johnston’s after Sarah’s old job (since he can’t have her daughter).

At least, as he’s demonstrated, he’s got nothing to hide, and his mom will be a natural for the Wasilla drug abuse task force.

@Walking Still: Apologies for not observing proper thread behavior. I missed “Universe Collapsing on Itself” thread.

Okay, first of all, I have to crow! I’m going to try to run a virtually paperless English class, well, three of them. Imagine that. We’ll see how long this lasts…

@Nabisco: Okay, you can tell the difference between Amish and Mennonite women based on their starched coverings (“kapps”), and within the Amish, different coverings denote the group they belong to.

Yes, Amish are allowed to take rides and, IIRC, receive phone calls (like from a pay phone, if those exist anymore), but they can’t actually dial.

Don’t fuck with me, Chubby Skippy about the PA Dutch (they hate being called that, because it lumps them all in together and, well, they’re of primarily German descent). I was almost rented out to the Amish for a summer. Hansel and Gretel had a better time of it.

@Tony Blair Witch Project: Yes, technically the Mennonites are the Amish Mennonites, an offshoot and somewhat more liberal (hahahahahaha!) version of the Amish. Think of Amish as FLDS and Mennonites as LDS.

@redmanlaw: Can’t wait to see them! I’m stuck in crappidty WiFi hell right now. Boo! I can bug you guys, but that’s about it.

So now even the basic tenets of physics have a liberal bias, further proving how right Colbert was.

@redmanlaw: Aw, I loves me some Freddy Fender. I’m all homesick now.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: I know, I had to queue up some Texas Tornadoes after seeing RML’s link.

@SanFranLefty: It’s not all metal all the time on the internal soundtrack.

“I wanna go home to the armadillo . . . ” London Homesick Blues, Jerry Jeff Walker and Gary P. Nunn

and what the hell:

Up Against the Wall, Redneck Mother – more Jerry Jeff

Ray Wylie Hubbard actually has a video where he talks about getting beat up in a redneck bar not far from the RML ancestral home in New Mexico as being the inspiration for his song.

/hears Baroque trumpets now, most likely from Gabrieli, “Music for Brass.” Been running since yesterday.

@redmanlaw: Either that or I just really want to get out of here. I haven’t figured it out yet.

@SanFranLefty: Alaska TV is confirming that Stevens died in the crash, sourcing “a former aide and longtime family friend”.

“Nine people were on board, including former NASA Chief Sean O’Keefe. Five people were killed in the crash, but other identities were not known, nor are the conditions of the survivors.”

@nojo: I was reading an article in one of my hunting magazines on all the crap that can go wrong on a fly-in Alaska trip (plane crashes, falls, broken limbs, bear attacks, drowning, getting lost) and I think I could actually pass on that.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: One of my friends, a conservative Christian black dude in an interracial marriage, split for Portland from PHX a month ago and he was glad to leave.

@nojo: @redmanlaw: I didn’t realize this, but per the NYT, he survived a plane crash in the ’70s at Anchorage’s airport that killed his first wife, and he told people that he had a premonition he’d die in an airplane crash.

@redmanlaw: Peter and the Wolf is my current earworm, but now that I mention it, I am thinking Peter Wolf and I feel like a house party is coming on, oh yeah, there it is, now J. Geils is in my head.


This crash was obviously caused by the communoislamofascists at the FAA, who won’t let Real AmeriKKKans build and fly their own home-made planes.

The AP also confirmed that Uncle Ted had terrible dandruff after they found his head and shoulders on the beach.

Too soon??

@Original Andrew: Style points for not using “Bridge to Nowhere.”

@SanFranLefty: Meh. Not much of a premonition when you consider how much flying one has to do to get around Alaska, much less back and forth to DC.

@SanFranLefty: I think we’ve all had that, “I might die in this tube” feeling before, especially if they’re teeny. I’m pretty sure this one I was in was constructed of balsa wood and had a rubber band attached to the tail and to the propeller. That’s what Xanax is for. And booze. I used to love to fly. I need to lay off Frontline.

@Original Andrew: Turns out that “Series of tubes” consisted of only one – in a downward spiral.

What, still too soon?

@JNOV: Okay, I cry “uncle”. Alls I knows is I see bunches of them lounging around in front of their buggies on my Sunday bike rides through Shoo Flyover country.

How was the rum, and was it Flor?

@JNOV: Last time I flew into Denver in a storm on a shitty little plane coming in from the fringes of civil aviation in the United States, I kept telling myself that the plane was designed to withstand heavy turbulence while traveling at 35,000 feet going 400 mph. Thanks, Brazilian engineers!

Of course, it is possible to nearly die of boredom on the five hour drive between Billings and Flyspeck when one does not fly into Barely Rates an Airport, ND. Fortunately, my client’s husband and I talked the whole way up and them watched two movies (Edward Norton’s Hulk and something called The Crazies – great plague movie) on the way back on the dash mounted DVD player. If I ever have to go again, I’ll be on the little plane to Williston, North Dakota.

@Nabisco: You mean how is the rum? Damned good. Is it Flor? You betcha! Man, I’m never wasting my munnies on beer again unless I’m playing darts.

@redmanlaw: Yeah. Highway Hypnosis is no fucking joke! I’ve never driven drunk, but I sure as hell have driven tired, I mean, nodding off for nanoseconds at the wheel, especially from JFK to Philly after a red eye (see how it all ties in all pretty like?). Time to pull over and deal with the cops when they wake you up and give you shit.

Oh, and I almost moved to Billings after I served my time in the hoosegow Navy. Hahahahaha! It was there, Paris, TX or Bakersfield, CA. None good choices. Notaone.

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