America Shocked by Discovery that Idiots Can Read

We’ve always been amused by the biblical authority of dictionaries in our culture, almost as much as we’re amused by the biblical authority of the Bible. Dictionaries, last we checked, are compiled by harmless drudges, and we consider our judgment as good as theirs. For that matter, most dictionary editors are observers of linguistic usage, not dictators of meaning. Their job is to follow the crowd, not lead it.

That, and provide 300-point solutions to Scrabble problems.

So we’re not surprised that the dictionary meaning of “marriage” has been evolving in recent years, much like the dictionary meaning of everything else. Webster notices that many folks use it to describe any couple in a committed relationship. And the OED sniffs that they’ve always called it “husband and wife”, not “man and woman”.

Even in 1992, American Heritage was hedging its bet: “The legal union of a man and woman as husband and wife.” And while that remains predominantly true, it’s also manifestly contingent: change the law, and American Heritage changes with it.

But none of that matters to Eric B., aka YouTube’s PropheticObserver, who was shocked! to discover recently that Webster has forsaken him: It now offers “the state of being united to a person of the same sex in a relationship like that of a traditional marriage,” or for the attention-impaired, “same-sex marriage”.

We’re not sure the last time Eric consulted a dictionary, but it’s not news — the Washington Times broke the story about lefty lexicographers five years ago, including Merriam-Webster’s heresy.

Then again, we haven’t been paying attention either. The last time we found ourselves obsessively interested in what dictionaries see fit to print was a generation ago, when American Heritage broke the fuck barrier.

Webster’s dictionary redefines ‘marriage’ [WorldNetDaily]

I’m just glad they didn’t see the update for Conservative

con·ser·va·tive (kn-sûrv-tv)
1. Favoring traditional views and values; tending to oppose change.
2. Traditional or restrained in style: a conservative dark suit.
3. Moderate; cautious: a conservative estimate.
a. Of or relating to the political philosophy of conservatism.
b. Belonging to a conservative party, group, or movement.
5. Conservative Of or belonging to the Conservative Party in the United Kingdom or the Progressive Conservative Party in Canada.
6. Conservative Of or adhering to Conservative Judaism.
7. Tending to conserve; preservative: the conservative use of natural resources.
8. To act in a hypocritical manner against the very principles you supposedly support; See Craig, Larry; Gingrich, Newt; Foley, Mark; etc etc etc et al.
9. Fatuous
10. Delusional
11. Term used to describe self loathing gay males/females who act out against their own sexuality in a pathetic attempt to hide their own desires.

1. One favoring traditional views and values.
2. A supporter of political conservatism.
3. Conservative A member or supporter of the Conservative Party in the United Kingdom or the Progressive Conservative Party in Canada.
4. Archaic A preservative agent or principle.
5. Increasingly sad joke
6. Uncanny ability to close eyes to empirical scientific/sociological evidence
7. Sometimes used as code word for stupid. See Beck, Glen; Limbaugh, Rush; etc etc et al.
con·serva·tive·ly adv.
con·serva·tive·ness n.

I don’t know if anyone is a fan of Kids In the Hall, but there was a sketch that always made me laugh because on a certain level I can relate to it. Two white trash lovers (male played by Bruce McCulloch and female played by Mark McKinney) who always argued and bickered. The short male has a big case of Short Man Syndrome and always got into fights with much larger men. One sketch involved him taking on a huge mountain of a man and each time the big guy would hurt Bruce’s character. Anyway, it got so bad that everyone (including the Scott Thompson’s Queen–the Brit Queen not Buddy Cole) told him to “STAY DOWN!”, but he’d never listen.

At this point, Jim Cramer is Bruce McCulloch’s character.

Wow… with that somber musical background how could I not be convinced? I’m Joining Westboro Baptist as soon as I get off work!

Fucking descriptivist. There are some who have standards. Sniff.

And their point is? You check the dictionary before you decide whether to propose? When you think you might be gay? Why don’t these fuckwits just Go Galt already and get the fuck off the stage.


I hear that Caligutard’s ghostwriter has received the shittiest job in bookdom: having to poke and prod that half-wit until he barfs up more than two memories that aren’t inadvertent war crimes confessions in order to fulfill a seven figure book deal. Details on who exactly is gonna buy these fully fabricated “memoirs” are yet to be released. Also: Crocodile tears-spilling appearance on Oprah imminent.

Sadly, Eric B and his wife fled down to the county courthouse to divorce immediately citing “humuhsekshal extremists” for cause.

@Original Andrew: Wonder if they’ve considered a graphic novel comic book.


At least no one’s asking anymore why publishing’s gone off a cliff.

I’m going to take a swing here and suggest that our faithful Youtuber here hasn’t been on either end of the physical act of love in a long time.

And, thus: if you don’t play the game, you don’t make the rules. Jackass.

@ManchuCandidate: Or, perhaps, a flip book memorializing the physical comedy stylings of our 43rd president (to include: the pretzel choking incident; the epic Segway fall; the locked door episode; and much, much more). Bonus feature: you can flip it backwards and pretend that none of it ever happened.

@mellbell: You make it sound like he was our Keaton, our Chaplan, or at the least our Chevy Chase.


LOLZ! That would be my preference!

you can flip it backwards and pretend that none of it ever happened.

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