Paul Harvey, 1918-2009

Goodbye, Americans!

Radio Legend Paul Harvey Dies [ABC]

If Hell is Just he will spend eternity getting fucked in the ass by Mickey Mouse.

I think we should all go out and buy a mattress in his honor.

Actual AP caption for that photo:

“A one-block stretch of East Wacker Dr. is changed to Paul Harvey Dr. in honor of the well-known broadcaster.”

Our Chicago contingent should be able to provide more.

Fuck him, lying bastard. He provided the script they fed to Reagan.

@nojo: Have to admit, before tonight I didn’t know who Paul Harvey really was. Heard his name of course, but had to google like a sexually frustrated nun to find the relevant facts. I don’t think I ever heard his voice on the radio, unless it happened channel-surfing whilst crossing the vast desert between here and anywhere. Anyway, I found this fascinating tidbit searching for “paul harvey mattress”:

About 18 months ago, my wife and I purchased a king-size Select Comfort mattress (the one pitched by Paul Harvey and other radio personalities, to replace our waterbed mattress.

I weigh about 300 lbs., and my wife weighs about 150, so you can see that with a waterbed, if one of us was not in bed (whether off on a trip for several days, or just going to bed at different times), the firmness of our waterbed was not consistent.

And now I will have terrible nightmares imagining this humongous hulk of flabby man-flesh perstorking his petite (?) wife on a waterbed.

Thank you Nojo!

@Pedonator: Stinque Reader Service accepts your gratitude.

Paul Harvey was the radio equivalent of Reader’s Digest in his day. We know what they were both up to, but some of us still can’t help finding them adorable.

@Promnight: He invented the word “Reagonomics” and also “guesstimate”

I also was tapped to be the teaching assistant (if such a thing exists in public middle schools in south Texas) to the asshole Christian (no offense flippin and Tommcatt) conservative prick who taught my 7th grade Texas History class who made me read a passage from Paul Harvey every day to my classmates. Then we’d have to do the mimeographed questions on Texas History (in these pre-Barbara Jordan/Molly Ivins/Ann Richards days, every correct answer is always Stephen B. Austin, Sam Houston, or Lyndon B. Johnson) and then I’d go put the attendance roll on the clipboard outside the portable and get grabbed and sexually assaulted by the delinquent boys in shop class in the adjacent portable. Good times, learning about what a blow job is in the dust behind the portable while getting your hair ripped out of your head by angry white boys with Def Leppard haircuts, minutes after reading Paul Harvey’s deep thought for the day to the rest of the class and nearly pissing your pants and the thought of having to outside with the attendance roster.

So that’s my Paul Harvey memory. Not to bring y’all down.

Holy shit that’s awful.

I’m surprised you can even respect the male half of the human race after that.

Rain with highs in the 50s tomorrow.
I think I’ll make a big mess of pea soup in the slow cooker.
With ham hocks.
And leeks.
And parsnip and carrots and celery and onion.
Put it all together with some chix broth, turn to Low, and wait 9 hours.

Thanks, my dear. If anybody or bodies were to poison a woman on the male species, it would the troglogoths in the adjoining portable who thought it was fun to finger fuck me and teach me how to give a blow job without getting a black eye. Oddly enough, I never told anyone in a position of authority. Frankly, I’ve probably only told two or three people about it, but the Paul Harvey association kind of set off my memory of my 7th grade year of sexual assaults behind the portables of my middle school.

Oh and back to your point – I’m surprised too. But to save the males, in the words of one of my many hilarious wonderful female friends (this one went to a Seven Sisters school that will remain unnamed), “I really want to be a lesbian and God knows I would have had a better freshman year at _____, but I.JUST.LOVE.COCK.”

@Ewalda: I’m still waiting to to the first roast and first casserole for the change of seasons.

I guess so, but often the problem is the mind said cock is attached to.

Had this happened to my sister and I found out about it I think I would have found a way to hurt them badly, one by one. Let’s just put it this way, I wouldn’t kill them, but there would be a sudden rapid increase in the local eunuch population.

@SanFranLefty: That is some serious shit. Holy headbangers. I Spit On Your Grave should be shown at your 20yr reunion.

I spent two years in the early 80’s in a small town in North Texas (Oklahoma), where they said the Lord’s Prayer along with the Pledge of Allegiance at the start of every day. Even at a tender young age, I couldn’t believe that shit was happening in US America. That’s how naive I was about the “flyover zones”. But if any coerced blowjobs were going on in the schoolyard, I didn’t know about it.

@Ewalda: Pea soup is on the agenda chez Pedo tambien! But mine will be with veggie broth, fennel leftovers, celery, turmeric, lots of garlic and onions (of course) and sun-dried tomatoes. Yum!

@SanFranLefty: I. JUST. LOVE. COCK. too! Is it possible that your friend and I were separated at birth?

And thus Paul Harvey is forever associated with I. JUST. LOVE. COCK.

The Stinque God works in mysterious ways.

@nojo: And it wasn’t even on purpose. It’s simply true that I. JUST. LOVE. COCK.!

@Pedonator: That’s three t-shirts in one week. I’m amassing a design backlog.

Thanks for the cheap therapy, y’all. Manchu, I’d love to have you as my little or big brother sticking up for me, even 25 years later.

Oh, and Nojo – if you’re taking orders for the backlog, I want the “Yep” t-shirt.

And naturally, all proceeds to go to Jamie Sommer’s Girl Scouts troop in Phoenix. It could be like little Flat Stanley around the world – all of the Stinquers wearing “Yep” shirts in landmarks around the world to honor Jamie.

Fuck it, send the proceeds from “I.JUST.LOVE.COCK.” t-shirts to Jamie’s Arizona Girl Scout troop as well. I’m sure we could set up some sort of Amazon/PayPal/MindMeld account if she talked to you behind class about it.

Oh, I Loooovvve Cock!
anything hardy and manly and grungy!
anything smelly and stinky and spongey!
yes, I love COCK

I have here a sneaker jock strap that’s tattered and worn
it’s all full of holes and the laces are torn it smells just like porn
a gift from big brother I’d like to be cloned
I love it because it’s trash COCK!

No problem. My little sister and I didn’t get along when we were younger, but I always looked out for her just to keep her out of trouble.

I tried not to be the over bearing brother and interfere, but I think there was only one moment I went all Sonny Corleone on one kid’s ass. I was a spazzy hot tempered little kid back then–now my temper fuse is longer and more rationale (I think.)

@Pedonator: I’m sorry, the Avenue Q roadshow has already been cast.

@SanFranLefty: Fuck it, send the proceeds from “I.JUST.LOVE.COCK.” t-shirts to Jamie’s Arizona Girl Scout troop as well.

You are a Goddess and don’t ever forget it.

(Also — Paul Harvey!)

@nojo: Shit, and I don’t have a Plan B. Guess I’ll just have to be a busker or, failing that, a bindlestiff.

@SanFranLefty: Hmmm…

It’s gonna be some time before I get around to tees — clients are keeping me gainfully overworked — but I think a sidebar donation button is a marvelous idea. All it takes is a handful of PayPal code.

@nojo: Two words: Cafe Press. I’ve bought tons of crappy t-shirts from them as Xmas gifts in the past.

@SanFranLefty: I couldn’t help but wonder if the school was Smith. I’ll never forget their centenary T-shirts:
SMITH: A Century of Women on Top.

@Pedonator: I actually have a Cafe Press account lying in wait, but last time the subject came up the general agreement was that their tees suck.

So after some poking around I turned up Printfection, which seems to put out a better fabric product. And there the matter rests, along with a dozen how-to PDFs on my hard drive.

It’s the initial setup that’s a pain in the butt, which is why I’ve been putting off the chore. Once we have a contraption in place, adding a given design should be only subject to inspiration.

I think there was yet another site I was pondering for mugs and such, since Printfection doesn’t offer them. But we’re looking at a spare day for me to dive into all that, and I’m booked solid right now. (Which, given the economy, I can’t complain about…)

@SanFranLefty: @Pedonator: How surprising that I was somehow drawn to look at Stinque before bed. I wonder what it would have been? Hmmmmmmmm….

I anxiously await the t-shirt.

@nojo: I am assuming it was Upper Wacker and not Lower Wacker. Lower Wacker is where the homeless sleep (and where they filmed the car chase in The Dark Night).

@nojo: That is also three references to ‘whack’ in the past week as well. The circle is complete.

Although I am not very amused by the Unicorn’s apparent agenda of consolidating imperial powers gathered by the previous administration, (what? no cuts in “defense” spending? and, i.e., among other things), I have to admit that Barry’s ambitious budget proposal represents a BIG CHANGE in the values proposed to the US American public.

However, I reserve the right of cynicism to suspect that, while we magically conjure up trillions of dollars of welfare for the intrepid capitalists who managed (willfully, I would argue) to run the Economy into the ground, still we will find it inconvenient to provide universal health-care, extended unemployment insurance, or flying cars to the masses.

And I naively thought that Eric Holder would be a worthy symbol of Justice.

LEFTY, my rabbi…you were so missed! and since you’re my rabbi and confessor, i too was accosted by an uncle and a cousin in middle school!
(it’s not just in trailer parks folks! took place in mansions!) the statistics are staggering. it’s reported that 1 out of 3 girls suffers some type of sexual abuse, but we think it’s more than that, don’t we? i don’t know a female who hasn’t been. and let’s not forget the miami repairman rapist.
anywho, still, I. LOVE. COCK. whattaya gonna do.
i have a policy to never wear a t-shirt that says anything, but would break that tradition in a heartbeat and proudly wear “yep”


I have no idea who P Harvey was and that’s fine by me.

@SanFranLefty: Sorry to hear about your time in maximum security 7th grade. Not to make light of your experience but at least you now have a pretty good idea of what life at one of the better English public schools is like.

@baked: Is everybody there yet?

@Benedick: PJ Harvey is still alive, last I heard.

Sometimes stuff comes up in here that I have no idead to how to respond to, except that my heart goes out to you Lefty, Baked, and who knows who else out there.

I remember once in 6th grade some guys were laughing and bragging about raping another guy’s sister or half sister who was also in our grade. I thought it was unbelieveable and made up, but probably every word of it was true, especially their description of the crying girl crawling under the bed.

@SanFranLefty: HOLY FUCKING SHIT!! (((((((SFL)))))))

@baked: I am also a member of the molested/raped club. FUCKERS!

homofascist: Yeah — I think it is Upper Wacker. But it’s a blink-and-you-miss-it thing.

Dude was a staple on rides in Ma Bureau’s Oldsmobile station wagon, as AM was all that was available. Vague memories of “The Rest of the Story.” Also featured on the drive from an uncle’s house to Stanford when I was being dropped off. Unremarkable, again — except that he sounded like a (South Asian) Indian with the “good day!” signoff.

But it was in LaCrosse, Wis. back in 2002 when I fully understood the depth of Paul Harvey. “Even though there are classified ads every day, listing jobs for those who want to work, [some number] thousand Americans filed initial unemployment claims in the past week.” And thus UI was a fiendish communist plot.

Page two!

Did you know that Hillsdale College was ranked the number one…. university by the American Council of Trustees and Alumni. It’s true, friends!

@Promnight: The Sins of Paul Harvey are legion, but Harry Shearer notes that he came out against the Vietnam war in 1968. Probably something to do with his son reaching draft age.

@chicago bureau: Fiendish, but also brilliant writing and delivery, as your example reminds me. Thus the soft spot.

@chicago bureau: I FUCKING HATE HILLSDALE! Abusive husband #2 (#1 wasn’t abusive, just making that clear), was an Austrian economics cult member, and I had to listen to him prattle on about that Mises shit for hours on end. His wife #1 bought him a Hillsdale sweatshirt. I wanted to stab him every time he wore it. But I wanted to stab him every time I saw him, heard his voice, thought about him…

Dude had been sick for several months. I’m a news addict so I turn to evil RW talk radio to catch ABC news at the top on bottom of the hour when I’m riding around in the truck. Paul Harvey would come on after one of the morning news spots. He had a number of stand ins recently, and I think I read Huckabee or Romney was doing the show at one point. (Huckabee is also on TV some where now, too). I saw a story that said Fred Thompson was gonna take over now that the man is gone.

Back before we had a TV, we used to get all our news from the radio, so I grew on the rez up listening to Paul Harvey. People really loved the guy. It wasn’t until got older that I found out what a tool he was.

@Pedonator: Dude, I have missed your humor so much. @Ewalda: Mmmm, split pea and ham soup. Tuesday will be White Beans and Ham Shanks with Sweet Cornbread here. @SanFranLefty: Hi, welcome back from one who appreciated your efforts to get me back in family. Sorry to hear your crappy assault story. I had a cousin who was raped at 11 in school and the principal actually told her, “Boys will be boys.” Unbelievable.

@Mistress Cynica: Not Smith, and to answer the inevitable question from several of the Stinquers, not Bryn Mawr. This friend was also the one who explained to me the women’s college phenomenon of LUGs (Lesbian Until Graduation).

@All: Thanks for the chiming in on well-wishes. Really, it’s been so long that it’s something I never really ever think about – but the Paul Harvey association brought it forth.

@chicago bureau: What’s Hillsdale College? There’s a Hillsdale shopping mall in the Bay Area. Same thing?

@SanFranLefty: LUG? That sounds exactly like Evergreen. I swear I turned more women gay….

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