How Would Jesus Drive?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the average Palin supporter:

A speeding truck rammed a woman’s sedan at over 100 MPH on a Texas freeway last Friday. Why? According to the Archangel Gabriel/ Michael E. Schwab, a resident of Blooming Grove, Texas, the woman “was not driving like a Christian.”

What – she wasn’t signaling in tongues?

Schwab failed to explain what the woman had done to prompt the Lord’s wrath and investigators have since determined that she violated no traffic laws. She was driving North on highway 281 when Schwab struck the rear of her sedan. The impact spun both vehicles across the median before being brought to a halt by the barrier on the far side of the south bound lanes. Neither party was seriously injured by the accident, although both vehicles appear to be totaled.

Describing the accident, Lt. Kyle Coleman of the Bexar County Sheriff’s Department said, “He just said God said she wasn’t driving right, and she needed to be taken off the road.” According to a release issued by the department, Schwab told police “the other vehicle was not driving like a Christian and it was Jesus’ will for him to punish the car.” It was Schwab who told the police that he was traveling over 100 MPH at the time of the impact.

Why is my country filled with these dumbshits?

Schwab has since been charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, been placed under a $50,000 bond and will now face a psychological evaluation.

“God must have been with them, ’cause any other time, the severity of this crash, it would have been a fatal,” said Lt. Coleman. [via My San Antonio]

Next time the South wants to secede, I say we let ’em.

Man Rams Woman’s Car at 100 MPH – Claims God Told Him To Do It [Jalopnik]
BONUS CHRISTIANIST NONSENSE: Badger Strongly Condemned for Giving Cake to Stem Cell Researcher [Miss Poppy]

This guy should run on the Palin 2012 ticket.

Couldn’t we just go ahead and secede them ourselves? Do we have to wait for them to ask?

I lurves Jalopnik. Texas, not so much.

@Benedick: That would be just so perfect, wouldn’t it? Kick the Confederate States out of the Union. Do it on a Friday, with no warning, just close all the federal offices, courthouses, institutions, and send them pinkslips with their last federal funding checks. Sorry, economic crisis, gotta downsize. Good luck.

@Prommie: I think you’re onto something … all those states that take more than they send to the federal government. Put ’em in a CDO and sell ’em to some other country.

@Benedick: Why do you think I fled?

Mad props to anyone who can correctly pronounce “Bexar” in Bexar County – that is, correctly pronounce it as it’s officially pronounced, not as it would be correctly pronounced in Ye Olde Spanish.

@Prommie: Can’t we allow Austin, New Orleans, and Chapel Hill to stay with the U.S.?

It’s great they managed to make Bucky Badger an icon of The Culture of Death. That fuzzy guy with the jaunty walk – he’s of satan! An acolyte of the evil one!

@SanFranLefty: New Orleans only; university towns are full of hippytards and hackysacks. They’re not as good as they seem, its just that you were there when you were young, drunk, and getting laid quasi-semi-regularly for the first time, so they glow in your memory.

@Prommie: What about the border states? Kentucky (birthplace of both Lincoln and Davis) never officially seceded.

@mellbell: They put Miss McConnell in the Senate. Fuck ’em.

@Prommie: Also, some of the towns are quite full of fratty douchesacks. They will not be exempt from the Grand Expulsion.

@mellbell: Hmm, interesting question, but I think the deciding factor has to be the Bourbon, we get Kentucky. Let them have that Tennessee sour mash shit.

Again, fuck ’em. We can import the booze and, if they give us any trouble, send in the cruise missiles.

Hey, you think this, “god didn’t like the way she was driving” story is good, here’s another one out of that state where the stars at night are big and bright:

Source: tyler paper

HENDERSON — They claim they were trying to drive the demons out of the 13-month-old, but law enforcement officers say the bottom line is a Rusk County couple bludgeoned the little girl to death with a hammer and other objects and bit her more than 20 times in the most grotesque murder the seasoned officers can remember.

Blaine Keith Milam, 19 and Jesseca Bain Carson, 18, both of Henderson, remain jailed on $2 million bonds each. They are charged with capital murder for the Tuesday morning death of Carson’s daughter Amora Bain Carson.

When the expulsion of Fucktardia comes, can I please stay at one of your houses or cardboard boxes?


I say give it all back to Mexico and let god sort it out.

I know the whole attitude in Texas/the South can seem baffling to outsiders, but like any good psychological delusion it does have its own internal self-reinforcing logic:

When something good happens (including everything from surviving cancer to the mail arriving on time) it was caused by Jeebus.

If something bad happens (hurricanes, husband goes down on the youth pastor, etc.) then it was Say-tan.

When bad things happen to “good people” (and I use that term loosely), then you can go wild by choosing either A) Gawd is testing us, or B) Say-tan is tricking us. Or both simultaneously since there’s no such thing as self-contradictory mutual exclusitivity in topsy-turvy Jeebus-world! See, anyone can play.

Being free from reality and sanity really is quite liberating; someone oughtta make a board game (or a sociology dissertation).


I’m against capital punishment for the usual moral, ethical, legal and economic reasons, but I hope those two get the super-duper death penalty.

Badger Strongly Condemned for Giving Cake to Stem Cell Researcher

Bucky’s in a pact with the Devil? I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU!

God is a crutch, but a useless one. Observe all of the people wearing “Jesus Loves Me” hats, or pins, or shirts at the casinos of our great land. Does the Savior help them out by ensuring that they do not lose their rent money? Noooooooo. Too busy being praised and whatnot to be concerned with how his flock are doing at the slots.

(Odd: for such a great Christian nation, wearing praise-gear to a casino is inches away from a perfect Zen moment, but it never does quite connect.)

Oh, don’t forget the ultimate in religious quackery Original Andrew — the death-bed conversion. Guy accepts Jesus as his Lord and Savior just as they are about to stick the needle in his arm for killing five people? WIN. Woman works eight decades of her life in selfless service to her family, and community — good works out the ying-yang — but is a Buddhist? FAIL.

Nobody will ever be able to explain that away to my satisfaction.

@chicago bureau: Some believe that eventual heathens, like me, who had the magic dunking ceremony or the sprinkling of water on the cranium will always be good with Jeebus, so I feel liberated to be a pagan homosexter.

@mellbell: Like Cyril (pronounced Surreal) Oklahoma!
@blogenfreude: @Prommie: @mellbell: Sorry, Lousiville only. The rest of them belong with the Jesus-tards.
@chicago bureau: And this always comes from people who claim to be all about “personal responsibility” when it’s someone else in trouble.

@chicago bureau:

The Southern Baptists can top that ‘cause they believe in “once saved, always saved,” so someone can be the most evil, deranged asshole all they want so long as they politely asked Jeebus to set up shop in their “heart” after age 9.

It’s like a get-outta-Hell-free card.

@chicago bureau: What Jebus said about that, the deathbed conversion, was “mind your own fucking business, I will forgive who I want. Don’t worry about what he gets, worry about yourself.” Really. If you stick to the red letters in the Bible, there are some recognizable character traits that come through. Jealousy annoyed him. This was the parable of the workers hired at the 11th hour. his habit of speaking in parables was very snarky and in your face, as was his answering of questions with questions. He was kinda like Carradine in Kung Fu.

@SanFranLefty: Fear not! I’ll bet that guy’s an Oklahoma transplant. I don’t think they even let their wimmins drive up there in the frying pan, much less drive like a Xtian.

@Original Andrew:

It’s becoming increasingly clear why Fundies hate Psychiatry as it seems many of them would be sent to Funny Farms.

@Prommie: Exactly so. When I see these kids now, I’m thinking unwashed poseurs, or worse.

oh cubbie, please stay with me and rat in our very tasteful and spacious cardboard house! you may have to duck/mediate/medicate once in a while, but there’s never a dull moment. it would be like living in your own personal reality show!

@Original Andrew:
“being free from reality and sanity” is not only liberating, as you say, it’s my life’s mission at this point. it’s a survival mechanism. there’s too many of them. if we can’t beat ’em……..pass the bong.

This guy’s obviously a socialist. Wrecking other people’s cars, and thus forcing insurance to pay for new ones, is just a guerilla bailout for the auto industry.


The current strategy of having them run the gubmit hasn’t worked out so well (unless economic and social collapse was the goal–they did that just great!).


I caught excerpts of Harper Valley PTA’s speech to Canadia on CBC last night. Loved how he hissed the word sssseparatists when referring to the Bloc; that’s gonna win the Conservatives a ton of friends in Quebec, no doubt. Best part was when the CBC jumpcut to the evidence that he was lying, and that he’d planned an alliance with the Bloc years ago. Peter Mansbridge wit da smackdown. Lean back, lean back.

Must be weird living in a nation where the press immediately calls bullshit on national teevee instead of debating whether the Leader is the greatest or Greatest of All Time.

@Original Andrew:
I’m still scratching my head.

If Harper wasn’t such a prick and didn’t threaten to take away their monies then none of this would have happened.

Of course, it is the CBC. They smell blood in the water as they have no love of Fatty McGoo who wants to apply the Grover Solution (aka Shrink it and Drown it in a bathtub) to it.

getting back to this story, this is so disturbing to me on such a deep level.
it confirms my darkest fear that way too many people are way too fucking crazy to be roaming free and in charge of things, yet.
oh it’s a giggler all right, but doesn’t it scare you to death?
god, i hate people, except y’all and a few others.

oh, and rat’s girlfriend won’t stop calling and he won’t talk to her. i’m moving to jerusalem end of january and soon thereafter there will be a rabbit in a pot on the stove.

@Original Andrew: Peter Mansbridge wit da smackdown. Lean back, lean back.

What is it about that dude that I like so much? Besides being Mr. Calm Cool Collected, I can’t quite put my finger on it. (I’m sure that our friends up in Canada City have their problems with the man, but remember that we deal with Katie and In What Respect Charlie down here.)

Hell, I just get frustrated when I see people like this, Baked. I got this huge and apparently useless brain, and I think to myself, if I am so smart, and they are clearly so fucking dumb, then I should be able to figure out some way to get America’s endless hordes of idiots to give me their fucking money. Lots of people do this. Britney Spears. The inventor of TruckNutz, and Big Mouth Billy Bass, and these are the relatively benign ways people have found to get morons to throw money at them, from there you go to Enzyte, and Stocks and Bonds, right on up to the most corrupt method of all, religion. But I can’t do it, I have been unable to get my hands on these moron’s money, and it irks me, dammit.

@chicago bureau:
Peter is not so well liked because he’s a well known primadonna (don’t work well with others including Magnavox sized glass wearing Canadian “good” guy Knowlton Nash) and stick man.

He used to be married to coworker Wendy Mesley (who was the hottest newscaster in the land at one time and considered the Canadian Katie of her day except she is a good journo as well) that was till he hooked up with several ladies including the current wifey, a Canadian actress named Jennifer Dale.

Why do I know all this? That’s from reading the (once again) late Frank Magazine, our version of England’s Punch.

@baked: May I respectfully differ on passing the bong as a solution. I intend to keep fighting until they take me out of court, dead, on a gurney.

You and me both. But my flaw is that I’m not someone who takes the money and sleeps well. Damn Jimmeny Cricket style conscious.

@baked: Oh, this guy with the truck is the heart and soul of middle America, just like 9 out of 10 people living south of Baltimore.

Why are people like Bill Bennett and Newt Gingrich on TV being interviewed? Why does anyone anywhee talk to disgraced pond scum like this, much less the media run out and solicit their opinion on anything? Why aren’t they fighting with raccoons for the discarded french fries in the dumpster behind McDonald’s?

Because their corporate masters still believe. I suspect if it were up to the producers and “journos” then we would never seen them on the tube again.

@baked: I want to make something clear – this story is certainly snarkworthy, but it really pisses me off too. Europeans and others laugh when they see the religion in our politics. It’s ridiculous that an atheist can’t run for public office. This mindless devotion to an imaginary sky god trickles down to fuckwits like this clown who make others lives miserable. Men beat their wives, people shoot up schools and churches, all in the name of the invisible man in the sky. Sometimes our Dear Leader starts a war in the name of god. Sure – I understand that all the fervor doesn’t trickle down, it comes from other places too. But a society this delusional enables these whackjobs in deeply disturbing ways.

@chicago bureau:

It’s because on some fundamental psychological level, you get the sense that Mansbridge is truthful and telling it like it is, whereas here in US America we know that Matt “Closet-case” Drudge and Roger “Jabba” Ailes are up to their elbows in the teevee talking heads’ bums, so anything that comes outta their mouths is gonna be senseless, Orwellian, propagandist horseshit.

I much prefer CBC’s Mansbridge, Ian “It’s-a-Man Thang,”etc. They’re just all so sincere. One even gets the impression that Claire Martin actually gives a damn whether it’s raining in Kelowna or not.

@ baked,

Anyone who’s worked in retail or customer service can absolutely confirm that half the public is completely fucking ka-ray-zeee. The best we can hope for is that they don’t get the rest of us nuked.

@Prommie: re: the people killing the little girl – Fucking horror show and unfortunately in my line of work I run across these assholes who fall down drunk, stand up pregnant, and squirt out babies with as much forethought as I put in to taking a shit, and they have the parenting skills to prove it. You have the results of these proud heterosexual unions (usually of less than the time needed to grow the baby in the womb) ending up in foster care, but oh no, we can’t (GASP!) have the gheyz adopting those children.

And, tying it into my other favorite ranting topic, you’ll undoubtedly note their ages and see that they are the proud teen parent products of the abstinence-only education taught in Texas public schools that says baby Jeebus cries if you use a condom or take the “baby pesticide” oral contraceptives, such that it has led to Texas having the highest rate of teen pregnancy and STD infections among teens in the nation. Thank FSM that Democrats ran the Texas Education Agency when I was in school; then again, I was the annoying kid who knew the facts of life in second grade and corrected my homeroom teacher who told the class she was taking time off because of the baby in her tummy. There also was a 7th grader in my middle school who was pregnant. 12 years old.

@mellbell: That’s how you might think you’d pronounce Bexar. I’m surprised JamieSommers didn’t weigh in with the correct answer.

The correct answer, as one would naturally anticipate, is that Bexar is pronounced in one syllable as a homophone of “Bare” or “Bear” – preferably with a long, nasally a sound. The people from rural Texas who have the stronger accents sometimes stretch it into two syllables with a faint y sound – “Baaaaaayr”

@Original Andrew: Never seen Mansbridge, but there’s a guy on the BBC – Jeremy Paxman. I first saw him as he eviscerated John Bolton. If only we had a few of those in our MSM.

@SanFranLefty: Developer I knew, originally from CT and who worked down in San Antonio, doing retirement communities pronounced it almost like Bayer, the pharma pharma company.

oh i’m just packing and that sucks, and being maudlin.
baby jesus knows i like my libations, but don’t you know me yet?
i’m a kicker and a screamer…and armed.

fun fact: i’ve already been hauled out of court, in handcuffs, while representing The People. and ended up on a gurney later on one occasion. why am i proud of this? i think it has something to do with al pacino. the best coutroom scene ever filmed, end of ‘…and justice for all’
which we know are the 4 most important words in the pledge.

btw, dodgerblue-the-other-jew, i’m making aliyah and pledging my allegience to israel next month. duel citizen. lots of reasons other than religious, god knows, (hehe), but you know what? i’m verklempt from all the paperwork and everyone welcoming me “home”.
it’s touching me.
i read all the legal treaties today, from 5700 years ago til the 1950 “right of return” legalese actually made me cry.

@ManchuCandidate: Yes, but I think the ones that get hired and keep the gigs understand the unstated rules, foremost among them that there be no news in the paper.

It’s incredible. Now they’re quoting Michael Moore about the auto industry bail out. He’s fucking insane, babbling on about government control of these companies, as if the federal government can even manage an oligopsonal marketspace like defense. If these guys end up in bankruptcy they can loot their pension funds and the pension guaranty fund is already tens of billions in the hole.

Really, they need to chain this fuckwit to Rush and let them eat each others’ heads.

@SanFranLefty: Sorry, I just assumed I wasn’t eligible to respond, what with inside knowledge and all. From my experience, native Anglos and Hispanics pronounce it as “bare”, transplant Anglos as “bear” (meaning slightly flater and shorter ‘a’ sound like a midwesterer), and newer Hispanics as “bay-(h)ar.” And then, rural folks turn it into a multisyllabic word like you said. Those would be the same old-timers who make oil (“all”) a three syllable word.

Reviewing at what I just wrote, it looks stupid. It doesn’t really come across when you write it out, but there is a difference.

aww. i loved that show! for days after our sitcom discussion, i kept thinking of ones we overlooked. the jefferson’s was right up there.
bentley was terrific.


Ooh, now picture it with them naked and oiled up with Crisco.

I’m trying to lose some weight, you see.

@baked: Good luck with the aliyah thing. The idea of a homeland is powerful, but I don’t speak a word of Hebrew, find many Israelis irritating, and would have a hard time living without baseball on TV. My younger daughter is doing the Birthright thing next summer. She’s been secular since Day 1, so it will be interesting to see what it does to her.

@Tommmcatt Yet Again: Yeah, yeah, and punching each other in face so hard they shit themselves. That’d get some pay per view sales on ESPN.

@SanFranLefty: “Bear”?

ADD: a Farm Bureau guy from Plano said to me that “everything south of the Pecos” deserved to go back to Mexico.

@Mistress Cynica: If you think Louisville is somehow different from the rest of Kentucky then you need to become acquainted with Southeast Christian Church or as it is known locally, Six Flags Over Jesus. Papa John Schnatter is the best known member of the 18,000 or so who attend.

Louisville is also home to the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. The president, Dr. Mohler, is considered one of the “brains” of the radical evangelical Christian movement.

So please don’t think of Louisville as some kind of oasis of rational enlightenment surrounded by a sea of Kentucky and Indiana religious nuts. Louisville has got itself plenty of that good old timey religion.

@nabisco: If we are able to afford a halfway decent census in 2010 we’ll find that Mexico has already moved a long way north of the Pecos. My brother thinks that Indianapolis has been completely taken over by Hispanics.

@SanFranLefty: I obviously didn’t read all the comments. Or at least promise as much. I used to know Texas counties better than my homestate.

@Dave H: I’ve long held the theory that US America is gradually reverting to occupation by previous inhabitants: Mexicans and Asians. The eurotrash will be eliminated.

Yeah, well, he was from fucking Plano, home to asshole smug white Republicans and their asshat jock/fratboy/date rapist sons in ticky-tacky developments as far as the eye can see. They’re one of those towns where they have the 8,000 student high school so that they can field a football team that wins 5-A state every other year (alternating with the mega-high schools in Midland and outside of San Antonio).
Lance Armstrong dropped out of Plano High. He has nothing but contempt for them – he was taunted, bullied, and mercilessly beat up for being the skinny kid on a skateboard (and later a bike). When he started doing well on the Tour d’ France, they invited him back and he told them to fuck off. I’d be that bitter too.

@SanFranLefty: And then there was the ever present football player rapist, they were all in love with dying, they were doing it in Texas.

Or this one: Here I am at a famous school, I’m acting sharp and I’m dressing cool, got a cheerleader here gonna help with my paper, let her do all the work maybe later I’ll rape her, god oh god I’m so fantastic.

What we need to do is return to our roots as humans and start deifying the Sun again. That way, we get a sky god that everybody can agree exists, and one that demonstrably provides sustenance to every living thing on this planet (well maybe not those deep-sea volcanic worms what the hell do they even eat).

@Original Andrew: The secret messiahship? The blatantly obvious excuse for why he never proclaimed himself messiah publicly? I love that, its the proof that much of Jesus’ quoted words are probably pretty accurate, if they felt free to make ALL of it up, they’d have had him shouting his divinity in every account of his speaking. Instead they make up this story for the public, his close followers, they come up with, “Oh, hey, you know, he told us to keep it secret, but actually, he was the messiah, no shit.”

Exegesis is great fun, you are all great textual critics, read the gospels, with a totally open mind, as hhistoric artifacts, and there are all kinds of things that jump out. The divisions between the good faith efforts to recall and relate what happened, and the later insertions of interpretation and myth-building, are glaringly obvious.

@Jamie Sommers: Hey now! Every time I saw someone driving like an absolute fool on Oklahoma roads, there were Texas plates on the car.

@baked: Congrats! The only place I’ve ever experienced the “return to my people” feeling was in the Harrod’s shoe department.

@Mistress Cynica: Do Okies even have cars?

Seriously, what’s the best thing to come out of Oklahoma?

I-35 South.

Seriously, try the veal.

@nabisco: And why doesn’t Texas fall in the Gulf of Mexico?

Because Oklahoma sucks.

Tip your waitresses.

(I have to admit, the one time I was HAPPY to be driving in to Oklahoma was after passing near Branson and other parts of southwestern Misery.)

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