Busy, Busy Beevers

Look, Google News, all I want to do is troll the headlines for some quick hits, and all I get is fucking National Spelling Bee links all over the fucking place.

Stop it. Stop it now. Or I’ll, um, riant your thermolysis.

Yes, it would be easy to joke about the contest being nothing more than an advertisement for Scrabble dictionaries. Or how the real spelling issue isn’t eidetic miscible brininess, but there, their and they’re.

But here’s what gets my sufflaminate in a galimatias: those poor abused children have to spell these words out loud, making the exercise completely irrelevant. I’m a champion fifth-grade speller, but my ability is entirely visual. I know how words look. On the page. Where we read them.

All you’re doing is teaching kids meaningless skills that will only prepare them for pointless, frustrating lives. Better to just drop the ruse now and hand them a spatula.

Scripps National Spelling Bee
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