A Frog Sitting on a Bench Like a Human

This is a frog sitting on a bench like a human. We are presenting a frog sitting on a bench like a human because the Bible has some definitive things to say about frogs, whether or not they are sitting on benches like humans.

What does the Bible have to say about sitting-on-a-bench-like-a-human-optional frogs? Things like “I will smite all thy borders with frogs” (Exodus 8:2). And “He sent divers sorts of flies among them, which devoured them; and frogs, which destroyed them” (Psalms 78:45). And “Their land brought forth frogs in abundance, in the chambers of their kings” (Psalms 105:30). And “I saw three unclean spirits like frogs come out of the mouth of the dragon, and out of the mouth of the beast, and out of the mouth of the false prophet” (Revelation 16:13).

You could say that the Bible offers very specific details about frogs, whether or not they choose to sit on benches like humans. And you would be correct.

Ross Douthat is not a frog, although we imagine that Ross Douthat has sat on a bench like a human at one time or another during his life. And while we do not know what Ross Douthat thinks of frogs, or frogs sitting on benches like humans, we do know what Ross Douthat thinks the Bible says about gay people:

Gay relationships may be unitive in some sense, but they are not unitive in the male-female, difference-reunited sense that the Biblical narrative strongly suggests that God intended sex to be.

We also know something else Ross Douthat thinks the Bible says about gay people:

Gay people can bear and rear children, but they cannot bear and rear them in accordance with what the Biblical narrative suggests is God’s original intention for the reproduction of the human race.

And we also know this: We can say definitively what the Bible says about frogs. Ross Douthat can only say what he thinks the Bible strongly suggests about gay people.

We have a strong suggestion for Ross Douthat: Go sit on a fucking bench like a fucking human until you can get your fucking story straight. Because people who make up stories about the Bible are heretics.

Bad Religion [Slate, via Sully]

11 comments:

9:28 am • Wednesday • April 25, 2012

Ross Douchehat looks and writes like the guy who is stuck with the dancing/singing frog “Hello my baby, hello mah darling, hello my ragtime gaaaaal!”

10:54 am • Wednesday • April 25, 2012

Gay relationships may be unitive in some sense, but they are not unitive in the male-female, difference-reunited sense…

Is this guy a member of MENSA? Because if he’s not, he ought to apply. Because that’s probably the smartest, most surprisingly non-obvious thing I think I’ve ever seen anyone write. “Gay realtionships are not unitive in the male-female sense.” Wow. Just… wow.

10:57 am • Wednesday • April 25, 2012

“Christian orthodoxy does not require a blind Biblical literalism, but it requires a respect for the authority of that revelation, and the intellectual honesty to recognize when it isn’t saying what we might like it to say.”

This mindset baffles me. If you don’t like a religious dictate, don’t follow it! How is it “intellectually honest” to do otherwise?

11:20 am • Wednesday • April 25, 2012

@mellbell:
In this case “intellectual honesty” means that if we disagree with his interpretation of the Bible, then we have to admit to ourselves that we’re probably going to hell.

11:56 am • Wednesday • April 25, 2012

Sitting in the morning sun
I’ll be sitting when the evening comes
Watching the flies fly in
And I watch ‘em fly away again

Sitting on the dock of the bay
Watching the tide roll away
I’m just sitting on the dock of the bay
Wasting time

I left my home in the swamp
Headed for the ‘Frisco bay
‘Cause I had nothin to live for
And look like nothing’s gonna come my way

12:01 pm • Wednesday • April 25, 2012

@mellbell: It’s “roll your own” religion. Christian fundies say that gayhood is bad because Leviticus says so, but do they keep kosher like Leviticus says to? Huh? And how about that garment of mixed fibers thing (Lev 19:19)? What’s up with that?

12:15 pm • Wednesday • April 25, 2012

@Dodgerblue: Or Leverite marriage. Because according to Leviticus you straight guys have to marry and impregnate your sister-in-law.

Which leads me to the important point: like the passages about slavery and women, the bible isn’t relevant on this point because our understanding of humanity, and human rights, has changed. We aren’t wandering the desert anymore, and human reproduction is not at the same premium it was when the Levites penned these rules.

12:25 pm • Wednesday • April 25, 2012

@Dodgerblue: What gets me is that Douthat’s message to gays is, essentially, “This hurts me more than it hurts you.” He “might like” that the Church were accepting of gays, but until that happens his hands are tied, because dogma trumps conscience. Again, where is the “intellectual honesty” in that?

12:34 pm • Wednesday • April 25, 2012

@Tommmcatt Wears A Hoodie Daily: I think that nails it. The Levites needed to spawn like bunnies to keep from being kicked around by every other tribe in the neighborhood.

12:51 pm • Wednesday • April 25, 2012

@Dodgerblue: Douthat’s entire pitch is that American Christians are making shit up. Turns out what he really means is that he just prefers his fantasy exegesis.

7:28 pm • Wednesday • April 25, 2012

He’s eying little girls with bad intent.

@nojo: You’re just reviving your amphibian obsession. I worry about you.

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