The Walking Death Montage
We’ve been questioning all weekend whether we really care this year — from a programming conflict with our favorite Zombie Soap Opera, to nominees we have no interest in, to Billy Fucking Crystal — but after taking our pulse and consulting our Deity, we decided that if we missed a Train Wreck Everybody’s Talking About, we could never forgive ourself. So the Oscar goes to our Academy Awards Open Thread for the Undead, if only because it’s being held in a theater named for a deceased photography company.
Oh, look! Thin Jonah Hill!
Okay, of you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit over here by me.
@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: Can I talk about my inexplicable hatred for Michelle Williams? Also, Who the hell is Busy Phillips? ANd why would one call oneself that?
Left Coast Programming Advisory: Tonight’s Walking Dead repeats at 8pm and 9:30pm. Which is the only way we can make this work.
Great Moments in Red Carpet History: “You’re a descendant of some great football players.”
That interviewer sounds like Gwyneth Paltrow faking a British accent.
True Confessions: I actually know that Bob Mackie designed that classic Cher dress. But only because I used to watch Carol Burnett.
Jessica Chastain looks fantastic!
Second Defamer Reference: Giant Grazer Head is producing tonight’s show.
Kim Jong Il hits the red carpet.
Is it cruel of Weight Watchers to sponsor Red Carpet shows?
@Mistress Cynica: Please. The Oscars are nothing without bile.
ADD: God I love Sasha Baron Cohen. He just did what we’ve all wanted to do for years.
So who will the audience boo tonight?
Oh, wait. Wrong show.
Population of Monaco: 35,986.
@nojo: Subway on E seems like a better fit.
@nojo: Maybe not. Depends on whether or not Mel Gibson shows up.
@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: My favorite so far, closely followed by Judy Greer (someone else I don’t know in a dress I want).
“My outfit was designed as a Lexus Christmas present.”
@nojo: Population of Monaco mostly F1 drivers …
@Mistress Cynica: Judy Greer is awesome as the voice of Carol/Cheryl on Archer.
Melanie and Antionio got their work fixed, thank god.
@Walking Still: I tried watching Archer — and I lurve Frisky Dingo — but it just didn’t click.
@Mistress Cynica: Tina Fey to rocks the little black dress…
@Walking Still: What is Archer? I haven’t seen any movies this year, and no tv except for Daily Show/Colbert and Downton Abbey. OK, Revenge on hulu is my guilty pleasure.
Miss Piggy is trending at #3 as #bestdressed on Twitter. I may have to vote.
@Mistress Cynica: Archer is an FX James Bondish cartoon from the folks who brought you Frisky Dingo and (I think) SeaLab 2021.
ADD: Starring the voice of Jon Benjamin. I really wanted to like it.
Poor Melanie Griffith–awful plastic surgery/injectibles. Also apparently medicated to the gills. Her husband’s still hot, though.
@Mistress Cynica: Archer is an animated TV show on FX. It is a sexed-up version of Get Smart with a lot of good women’s roles.
I like it a lot, even if it doesn’t work for Nojo.
If anyone asks, I’m wearing Levi’s and Russell Athletic. And thick socks with my Birks. But that goes without saying.
Seacrest is pissed.
@Walking Still: I should probably be more patient with it. Around these parts, I think Manchu is also a fan.
Christopher Plummer looks handsome in his Captain Kangaroo ensemble.
@nojo: I’m wearing my favorite Seva Foundation tee shirt.
@nojo: We need to start punishing you for that somehow.
I hope Gary Oldman wins, just so I can unearth some Sid & Nancy reference.
Greetings from Washington State: “This is the best potato-growing area in the whole world.”
@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: We could banish him to Phoenix. After that, hell is superfluous.
Kristen Wiig should have come as the Lawrence Welk singer. She would have blown Sacha out of the water.
SNL comedian count: Three.
Tim Gunn to Tina Fey: “Billy Crystal’s opening tonight. What are you eager to see him do?”
Bomb.
@nojo: Only if she reprised the Singers’ memorably clueless rendition of One Toke Over the Line.
OMG!!!! COLIN FIRTH!!!!1!!
Am I getting that right?
Bon jour! I am French. I am totalement getting laid tonight.
Enough with the complaining about the dust, Ryan.
@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: I thought Tina’s dress was black when I was watching E!, but when I switched to ABC, it is a gorgeous deep purple. I love the cut, except for the weird mushroom top around her waist.
I thought Mara Rooney looked fierce. She was wearing white without looking washed out. And the large chick from Bridesmaids was adorable with her mom.
J.Lo’s nipple is about to escape. And I have to say again how much I just adore Tim Gunn.
I have not gone to the movies in 14 months. I don’t think I’ve seen anything nominated.
@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: Is he on LA TV? Local ABC station’s running a national feed.
WTF NICK NOLTE?!?!?!? OMFG!!! WHAT THE FUCK???
@nojo: He on E, and hasn’t stopped bitching since it happened.
Question for Nick Nolte: “Do you own a pet crow?”
How fucking high is Nick Nolte, and when did he gain 150 pounds? Fuck.
@SanFranLefty: Dude, even I want to see one of J-Lo’s nipples.
Note to men: CAN YOU FUCKING SHAVE BEFORE THE OSCARS??
@SanFranLefty: To be fair, Nolte looks better than his mugshot.
@SanFranLefty: I missed Nolte, dammit. I love it when celebrities are high, it makes me feel better about my life.
@nojo: He doesn’t look like he’s high on meth tonight, unlike his “Faces of Meth” mugshot. Judging from his girth, he stopped using the meth.
I have such a girl crush on Penelope Cruz. She is so hot and I love her dress.
@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: Which is a joke because it creates a slim chance that someone will notice/remember him.
@SanFranLefty: He and Melanie Griffith both need an intervention, stat.
Natalie, why the polka-dots? Big mistake.
The Jezzies are posting photos of people who I missed, since I turned on the TV 20 minutes ago.
Did Jerry Seinfeld miss the mortgage on one of his mansions?
@SanFranLefty: She almost made Vanilla Sky tolerable (an impossible task), and she rocks Almodovar.
@Walking Still: He is the definition of “Mr.Cellophane”, you’re right.
@SanFranLefty: LOVE. She and Javier get my vote for hottest couple in flim.
Emma Thompson comes dressed as the “White Queen” from the X-men.
SNL is leading Freaks & Geeks, 3-2 with a half-hour of play remaining.
That was Sacha Baron Cohen? I thought he was an extra from the Rhythm Nation video.
@Mistress Cynica: Now that is a sex tape I would watch.
Miilla Jovovich, zombie slayer, gets my vote for best dress. Very old Hollywood, the detail is fantastic.
@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: Did you just link Seacrest to John C. Reilly?
@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: Emma can do no wrong in my book. Goddess.
@nojo: Yes. Yes I did.
@nojo: And like magic, hot Paltrow-on-Paltrow action!
I’m so tuned out, I haven’t even heard of any of the movies that are nominated.
@¡Andrew!: There are movies? What do you mean?
Did I forget to mention Dangerous Liaisons on my favorite-movie list? Bad on me.
@nojo: I like Valmont better.
@¡Andrew!: I’ve heard of some of them, but out of ten movies, you’d think I’d know more.
@nojo: Dude, you’ve known me how long and you’re just realizing that now?
@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: Loved her total look–very glamorous.
Apparently Gwyneth in on her way to her coronation, cape and all.
So, I happened to watch the atrociously titled Ides of March last night. A lot of fun for political geeks; I’m not sure anyone else would give a shit.
Brad Pitt: How slovenly can I look and still be totally fuckable?
@Mistress Cynica: I’m not into capes unless you can fly.
Hey! Sandra Bullock wore one of my Grandmother’s old gowns!
Is Sandra Bullock high? “We’re doing sexy-times tonight!”
@nojo: He needs a banjo and a dip o’chaw.
OMG, they did a close up of Angelina’s skeletor knee. Get that chick a burrito stat!
Oh, and Cynica, I’m with you. Michelle Williams is just a little too twee for my tastes.
Miss Piggy has dropped off the best-dressed tweets. I blame myself.
Does Google+ now allow accounts from fictional characters?
@nojo: Google’s Muppets ad may help her trend up again.
I’m in East Bumfuck, Alabama without a TV. Have y’all seen Scarlet Johansson yet?
Did Tommmcatt cast John Carter?
@nojo: Buzz is it is terrible.
@Dodgerblue: To hell with Scarlet and her big lips, check out Penelope Cruz.
@Dodgerblue: Barbarism! Is there wi-fi?
@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: I’m actually thrown by the branding. Doesn’t seem like a “Disney” movie. But they’ve shuttered all the other labels, right? (Except Pixar, of course.)
@nojo: They still distribute Miramax, that’s about it.
Giant Grazer Head! Drink!
Chris Rock, fresh from his brief hosting gig on Tosh.0.
Way to rock the Fro, Chris!
Like the movies themselves, the Oscars are being produced by the team that replaced the original team.
I’m Morgan Freeman. Narrate your own damn movies, white people!
I am mesmerized by Morgan Freeman’s earrings.
George Clooney, how I love you.
In case you were wondering, Billy Crystal is shorter than Tom Cruise.
Oh thank God, they used professionals this year.
@nojo: My first thought, too. Crystal must be 5’2″ in that case.
What, no standing ovation?
I think those old dudes in the room really did write the jokes.
These musical cues would have been ancient in 1980.
There’s a reason people order pizza on Oscar night. I just burned a pot of beans. Which, luckily, are cheap. Also, discovered that the light in the kitchen is burned out, making it more difficult to cook anything at all.
@nojo: This is just downright fucking painful to watch. Can we have the best supporting actress award already?
The stage set is terrible.
@SanFranLefty: It’s a thousand times better than last year.
We need an extra Oscar for the mane.
Sweep! Sweep!
Nice of them to install The Roots in the balcony.
Geek background: JCPenney is now run the by the dude who built the Apple Stores.
The Stinque Rimshot Button is threatening to go on strike.
And now, a montage of classics to remind you why you don’t care about this year’s nominees.
@nojo: Give him time, he’s warming up.
The FCC is closely monitoring J-Lo’s dress.
Oh, THERE’S the nipple!
Let my breasts free!
Excuse me while I create a desktop image.
At 14, my dad took me to see Magnum Force. Topless chick gets shot between the tits in the opening scene. I was hooked on movies forever.
In Crybaby, Jonny Depp crawled through a sewer in this tightly-whities. I’ve been going weekly ever since.
If Apple licensed Kate Hepburn’s voice for Siri, I’d totally upgrade.
German, the language of anything but love.
@nojo: For me it was Goldfinger. I experienced hormones previously unknown to me.
Is it just me, or did Giant Grazer Head license these backdrops from the evening news?
@Walking Still: At age 5, “Pussy Galore” would have been totally lost on me.
I take it Billy Crystal isn’t using any of the lines Chris Rock gave him.
Lovely speech, Octavia. No snark at all.
@nojo: I think I was eight. Can you say first stirrings?
@Walking Still: So this is when you chose to be heterosexual?
@nojo: That was the Chris Rock line.
The Spinal Tap/Mighty Wind crew get a moment of glory.
@Walking Still: I miss them.
@Walking Still: I was thinking throughout, this has to be Christopher Guest.
Oh for God’s sake, come with a speech.
@nojo: Who knows what would have happened if I’d seen Spartacus first.
How do you vote on film editing, when you have to see the outtakes to know what’s going on? For that matter, you have to see an editor completely reconstruct a movie to understand what she (Hi, Thelma!) does.
@Walking Still: The Rimshot Button just let me through the picket line.
“Cirque du Soleil, with music by Danny Elfman.” Potty break!
Wait, I thought Spider-Man was a stage show.
Speaking of flashbacks, do not be alarmed: This is not CBS, and this is not Ed Sullivan.
Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the Bear Country Jamboree!
It would have been better if Meryl Streep was doing the flips.
@nojo: On that high note, I will follow the advice of Jerry Seinfeld/George Costanza (as channelled by Mittens), and sign off.
I have Canadian folkies to hear at Freight and Salvage.
Not just playing off, but cutting the mic? It’s a new era!
Shut off the mic on the Best Documentary guys. Wow.
Wait — is that Kanye in the audience? Are they planning an MTV Moment?
@Walking Still: P.S. Marisa Tomei for first lady (after Michelle’s second term).
Oscar rating: TV-14.
Demographic rating: TV-74.
Even people who work with him pronounce it score-SAY-zee.
CAPTAIN VON TRAPP!!!!!!!!!
YES!
About fucking time!
Wait, Christopher Plummer is a Canuck? Really? Thank you Wikipedia.
@SanFranLefty: Great speech too.
That was really just a make-up award for Christopher Plummer’s performance in Star Trek VI.
@SanFranLefty: I learned that a few weeks ago when I watched Shatner’s documentary on Star Trek captains.
@nojo: Or for his awesome role as the explorer/villain/dog wrangler in Up, one of my most favorite movies.
/gotta go back off the tubez, I’m trying to do doc review while watching the Oscars.
Please, people, don’t download movies, or I’ll sue the shit out of you.
ADD: Yes, I know, the Academy isn’t the MPAA.
Referencing Woody Allen for original score is something of an inside joke.
Flight of the Conchords wins best song. The evening is now worth it.
@Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: Was The Debt nominated for anything? Awesome movie.
Hello, I’m Angelina Jolie, and this is my gam.
A combination of the Rolling Stones Logo and the Showgirls poster just appeared on my tv.
Who was the crazy chick with Ben Stiller a while ago? That was a hot coked out mess.
@redmanlaw: You win the internets!
Why even bother nominating Woody Allen?
@redmanlaw: Oddly, nothing.
@nojo: /Raises hand.
@nojo: Hemmingway’s lines in that movie are so over the top.
@redmanlaw: I love movies about backroom power plays, although Philip Seymour Hoffman in that kind of role inevitably reminds me of Lebowski.
@SanFranLefty: I missed my girl. I do an hour of 30 Rock a day if I can. I gotta get my hands on Bossypants.
Doug Trumbull shout-out! Perhaps I’ll have an excuse to pass along a friend’s anecdote someday.
Oscar for Doug Trumball. Fuck yeah!
/full on geek
Maya Rudolph’s mom – Minnie Ripperton.
@nojo: My buddy says everything sounds sinister in German.
Short version of Doug Trumbull anecdote: Besides 2001, he also did the opening sequence for Monday Night Football. Friend of mine describes driving him to LAX because the film needed to reach NYC on time — but it hadn’t yet been developed. So they detoured to a gas station, so Trumbull could develop the film in a toilet.
No Death Montage yet. I’m getting worried.
Aren’t the fundies getting their undies in a bunch over GCB? Or does it seem too much like a documentary?
@nojo: They teased us about 30 minutes ago. Loved the Scorcese drinking game setup, though.
@nojo: What a badass. How ’bout Silent Running?
@matador1015: I’m still trying to guess what it stands for, besides “Yes, we know Desperate Housewives is ending soon.”
@redmanlaw: Silent Running made me cry. I should probably watch it again. It’s been a few years. Like, oh, forty.
Looks like I’m gonna have to wait for the 9:30 showing of Walking Dead.
Gotta roll for Walking Dead, then head for bed. Being full on daddy wiped me out today and we celebrated with ribeyes and a good cheap malbec.
Death Montage! Crank up the Applause Meter!
“Has anybody used Wonderful World for anything lately?”
Cliff Robertson honored for Spider-Man, not Charly.
Brian Williams sneaks into theater, tells everybody not to applaud individual cards, which takes the fun out of it.
Loved Esperanza Spalding’s version of the song, love her hair.
Well, it’s Harvey v. Martin for Best Picture, and I’m afraid to call it.
So nothing for Battle LA? What the fuck?
I think I just heard Jeff Bridges pay the rent.
Meryl Streep’s greatest performance is looking shocked when she wins an Oscar.
Harvey wins!
Eat my Python.
Catching up on Walking Dead – have I missed anything?
@blogenfreude: Perpetuation of standard gender roles.
@blogenfreude: Billy Crystal in the Wayback Machine.
Thank gawd I can wash it out with the late show of Walking Dead in a half-hour.
@nojo: Watching Talking Dead now.
@redmanlaw: Me too. SO much better than the Oscars.
@redmanlaw: @Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: Y’know I listen to Hardwick’s podcast every week, so it’s not like I don’t like him, but there’s also a Seacrest vibe to him that makes me squeamish. Which is why I don’t watch Talking Dead.
Then again, he’s old friends with Wil Wheaton and his dad’s a pro bowler. So there’s that.
What’s better than one knife to a zombie forehead? Two knives to zombie foreheads.
AMC presents “The Godfather 40th Anniversary Week”. In related news, I am fucking old.
@nojo: I watched my trilogy box set (every dude should own one) last spring, so I’m off the hook for this week.
@redmanlaw: i picked up the rockford files, season 4 with freddie beamer, lance white (aka tom selleck), and larry hagman this weekend. 22 episodes for $25.
@redmanlaw: Too much fucking dialog and not enough cutting down alien scum with awesome ordnance.
@FlyingChainSaw: Last weekend’s episode: women say a bunch of sensitive shit back at the farm house about their feelings; dudes get in a car, argue, fight each other, then team up against zombies.
I was counting Rick’s shots out of his .357 magnum Colt Python revolver and noted that he ran out of ammo at six shots. See that little belt pouch opposite his holster? Holds two speed loaders with 12 additional rounds. Shane’s Glock 17 (just like my Glock 19 but in a full duty weapon version) takes 15 round magazines, so he can go a lot longer between reloads than Rick can. Hard to reload when you have two rotting bodies lying on top of you, though. Also noted: Rick wanting to save ammo by using knives on walkers.
@FlyingChainSaw: While double-header gunshots are nice, I was particularly pleased with the knife and vehicular zombie homicides this week.
@nojo: This thought occurred to me as I watched Our Heroes penetrate zombie skulls with their knives: the current crop of walkers aren’t necessarily the first wave infected in the early days of the plague. They’re ambulatory piles of rotting flesh, so eventually they’ll decompose. These may be people whose infections are at a state where they want human flesh, but are not yet to the point where they’ll plop to the ground like roadkill. This plague will run its course as the survivors avoid infection and kill what they can.
Also, putting a knife through a skull is not exactly like stabbing a cantaloupe as seen on Sunday night. It takes a bit of force to get through the skull (went outside to stab a horse skull I have hanging on my back fence to test my point). “But the skull is rotting,” one might say. If that’s true, then the rest of the walkers’ bones are also decomposing and should eventually collapse.
Here’s a question: don’t the walkers smell? They should. If so, why didn’t Rick and Shane smell them when they were outside the facility before the zombie waterfall through the broken window?
@redmanlaw: putting a knife through a skull is not exactly like stabbing a cantaloupe
Send that to Mythbusters.
Here’s a question: don’t the walkers smell?
I try to avoid that kind of thing, unless it’s completely unavoidable. I’m very forgiving of plot holes.
You people have got stamina. And not enough to drink.
FLYINGCHAINSAW • TRUMP: MACHINE GUNNING ORPHANAGES AND CONVENTS BY ME IS CONSTITUTIONAL AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME ERECT WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE! Sen. sENEMA has a career ahead of her in giving designer psychedelic enemas to trust-fund…
MANCHUCANDIDATE • TRUMP: MACHINE GUNNING ORPHANAGES AND CONVENTS BY ME IS CONSTITUTIONAL AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME ERECT WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE! @¡Andrew!: She thought three's company. Nope.
¡ANDREW! • TRUMP: MACHINE GUNNING ORPHANAGES AND CONVENTS BY ME IS CONSTITUTIONAL AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME ERECT WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE! Gawd hates SIN, specifically Kyrsten SINema.
¡ANDREW! • TRUMP: MACHINE GUNNING ORPHANAGES AND CONVENTS BY ME IS CONSTITUTIONAL AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME ERECT WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE! So long, Senatard Glitter-trash. I hope she knows how much everyone H8s her :0)
¡ANDREW! • TRUMP: MACHINE GUNNING ORPHANAGES AND CONVENTS BY ME IS CONSTITUTIONAL AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME ERECT WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE! The racist kleptocratic MSM is really gonna have to crank up the bread and circuses now that their…
FLYINGCHAINSAW • TRUMP: MACHINE GUNNING ORPHANAGES AND CONVENTS BY ME IS CONSTITUTIONAL AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME ERECT WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE! @¡Andrew!: Ted Kazinski Sec of Interior Only the DEAD are extreme enough to serve in DONNIE…
¡ANDREW! • TRUMP: MACHINE GUNNING ORPHANAGES AND CONVENTS BY ME IS CONSTITUTIONAL AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME ERECT WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE! @FlyingChainSaw: Department of Health & Human Services: Charles Manson Defense Secretary:…
FLYINGCHAINSAW • TRUMP: MACHINE GUNNING ORPHANAGES AND CONVENTS BY ME IS CONSTITUTIONAL AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME ERECT WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE! @¡Andrew!: Right, the administration's all star line up: Pres: Trump VP: Ted Kaczynski…
FLYINGCHAINSAW • TRUMP: MACHINE GUNNING ORPHANAGES AND CONVENTS BY ME IS CONSTITUTIONAL AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME ERECT WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE! @FlyingChainSaw: Actually, FDLE would be the first to admit it. The state banks on it with 'sue me…
¡ANDREW! • TRUMP: MACHINE GUNNING ORPHANAGES AND CONVENTS BY ME IS CONSTITUTIONAL AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME ERECT WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE! I cannot wait for the Republinazi MAGAt trash to DEMAND that $hitler be allowed to be president…