America Should Have Bought the Extended Warranty

Our guest columnist this morning is Mr. Gordon Warren Epperly of Juneau, Alaska. While unknown to the general public, Mr. Epperly is said to be prominent in the Birther Movement.

December 20, 2010

Director, Gail Fenumiai
State of Alaska
Department of Elections
P.O. Box 110017
Juneau, Alaska 99811-0017

In Reg: Objection to Certification of Elections

Dear Director of Elections, Gail Fenumiai

We just finished up a contentious election for the Office of Senator for the Congress of the United States. It appears that Lisa Murkowski has received the majority of votes cast, but there is a problem — Lisa Murkowski is not qualified for the Office of U.S. Senator as she is not a citizen of the United States under Article I of the Constitution for the United States.

Enclosed is a “Proclamation” declaring the political privileges of candidates to hold public offices of the United States. The “Proclamation” shows that U.S. Congress has never made provisions in the U.S. Constitution for women or non-white citizens to hold public offices.

Objection is made against the issuance of any “Certificate of Election” until the U.S. Senate has made an investigation into the office qualifications of candidate Lisa Murkowski. As the U.S. Constitution at Article I, Clause 5, Section 1 declares that each house of Congress shall have exclusive authority to determine the eligibility of its members, the Alaska State Department of Elections shall forward a copy of this “Letter of Objection” with a copy of the enclosed “Proclamation” to the U.S. Senate for purpose of making an investigation into the eligibility of office for Lisa Murkowski. The results of this investigation shall be issued and reviewed before the Alaska State Department of Elections issues forth a Certificate of Election. The years that Lisa Murkowski [usurped] the Office of U.S. Senator have no relevance on the qualifications of office nor the authority of the U.S. Senate to make investigations.

/s/ Gordon Warren Epperly

In the spirit of Mr. Epperly’s inquiry, Stinque conducted a Special Investigation that conclusively proved Alaska was not an American state prior to January 3, 1959, and in fact was Russian territory not only prior to August 1, 1868, but at the adoption of the Constitution. We are forced to conclude that Mr. Epperly is an Illegal Alien who has committed voter fraud against the United States of America. The FBI has been notified.

Objection to Certification of Elections [USA the Republic/PDF, via Gen. JC Christian]

24 comments:

7:10 am • Monday • April 11, 2011

Another day, another douchebag.

7:53 am • Monday • April 11, 2011

Stupid people stupid.

10:00 am • Monday • April 11, 2011

Would that include Michele Bachmann, Sarah Palin, that Angle nut and that other goof-ball?

Nojo: Alibris emailed me a list of recommendations that bear no relation to anything I have purchased in the past, including: The South Beach Diet and
Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, by Seth Grahame-Smith .

11:15 am • Monday • April 11, 2011

@texrednface: Do you know abebooks.com? I find everything there I used to buy from alibris for much less money. And the service is just as good.

11:38 am • Monday • April 11, 2011

@Benedick is not as stupid as he looks.: Never heard of it. Thanks for the tip.

11:57 am • Monday • April 11, 2011

TJ: to read his article of this date (4/11/11) on “Manning, Obama, and U.S. Moral Leadership,” click on Glenn Greenwald in Commentary list at left. And then there is Paul Krugman’s column in the NYT today, “The President Is Missing.”

I’m beginning to feel about these United States the way sane Berliners must have felt in, say, 1935. It just keeps getting worse. The unholy alliance of oligarchs, fundamentalists, racists, xenophobes, and ignoramuses is destroying us from within.

12:16 pm • Monday • April 11, 2011

@Benedick is not as stupid as he looks.:
Why yes, I learned about Abe years ago from a friend who worked at a used book store in Alpine, Tx., which may be burning as we speak. Over 40 homes destroyed in Ft.Davis.
Try bookfinder.com. It tracks all the used book sellers and sometimes you can find a gem through them you might miss on Abe.

2:04 pm • Monday • April 11, 2011

@texrednface: Very sorry to hear about the destruction in Fort Davis and Alpine. In the late sixties I used to be in frequent touch with people in Fort Davis who were the support staff for a radio astronomy station directed by Dr. Alan Maxwell of Harvard College Observatory, whose Cambridge secretary I was. I always hoped to visit Fort Davis one day, but it has never happened. Forty houses must be a substantial percentage of the total. (I will now scurry off to find out more.)

2:19 pm • Monday • April 11, 2011

@Dodgerblue: Abebooks has a lower mark-up than some of the other sites, like Alibria. Via Libri (http://www.vialibri.net) and Addall (http://www.addall.com) are good aggregate searches that will show you the price of the same book through several online sellers. If you can find out the dealer and go to their website to purchase, it will generally save you at least 10%.

3:10 pm • Monday • April 11, 2011

@Mistress Cynica: Thanks. This will add to the already life-threatening pile of book by my bed. I’ve been reading some very depressing stuff about the financial/housing meltdown, and thinking I’ll turn back to Trollope for a month or so. I need to finish the Chronicles.

3:45 pm • Monday • April 11, 2011

@lynnlightfoot:

Ditto on the 1935 Berliner bit, but note there’s one thing different: we KNOW exactly where this push to the far-right leads, so there isn’t even the faint hope that the people behind it are simply misguided rather than willfully evil.

3:52 pm • Monday • April 11, 2011

@Dodgerblue: I got John Irving’s latest novel at a used book store back East and devoured it in a couple of days, it was nice to read a novel for a change instead of my usual bummer nonfiction/Economist/New Yorker fare. If you like his books, you’ll enjoy it — I prefer it over the last couple of novels, though I wouldn’t put it as high as Owen Meaney or Cider House Rules. I’ve been meaning to go to the library and check out some Dickens. Plus I have a stack of books that Benedick has recommended that I got from used bookstores.

5:41 pm • Monday • April 11, 2011

@SanFranLefty: Do you often think of Benedick while in bed? Reading, that is.

6:03 pm • Monday • April 11, 2011

@lynnlightfoot: Where were the good Americans?

Answer: Hope(TM)lessly out-numbered and out-voted.

As the legendary philosopher-historians ABBA once said “the history book on the shelf… is always repeating itself.”

6:15 pm • Monday • April 11, 2011

Reminds me of my favorite suggestion for solving The Red State Problem from our friends at the sadly defunct eXile.

I’ve been tracking the Left’s reaction to Bush’s horrifying election romp, and what’s clear to me is that nothing has been learned. Nothing has been learned because no one on the Left is being honest. Their reactions range from bitching about the elections allegedly being stolen — well duh! what’d you idiots expect from the Republicans?! — to grotesque, clumsy soul-searching in the form of how Democrats need to get spiritual, get in touch with Middle American “values,” or how the Democratic party either needs to move to the center, or the flip-side to this idiocy, move farther to the Left…that coastalites need start going to church more often in order to learn the ways of the savages, to be less secular-humanist, to shop less, to connect with Middle America, to understand Middle America, to allow Middle America to be Middle America, to suck Middle America’s hemorrhoid-bejeweled ass and tickle Middle America’s balls… What they don’t have the guts to admit, once and for all, is that THE PROBLEM IS MIDDLE AMERICA. Stop blaming the victim, folks. The problem with the idiocy and lunacy are the idiots and lunatics, not their mugging victims.

Now that we’ve come out and said it, it’s time to act. We at the eXile are here to solve problems. Middle America is the problem, and the eXile has the solution. It’s a little extreme, and you folks will have to briefly suspend your little liberal-humanist consciences in order to get on board with us, but we think it’s the only solution that’ll work.

Gas them. Gas every red state that voted for Bush. Gas them all, and gas them now. And if that sounds a little too 1940s for you, then fine, nuke the fuckers.

6:19 pm • Monday • April 11, 2011

@¡Andrew!: “Mankind’s Only Alternative Since 1997″

Fuck, now I’m retroactively jealous.

6:23 pm • Monday • April 11, 2011

Bush II has done everything to destroy America in record time. Bush II is our Nikolai II and Wilhelm II rolled into one bumbling, violent dumbshit. Thanks to him, the mighty American empire is disintegrating before our eyes — no wonder Putin, the Iranian mullahs and bin Laden wanted to see Bush II re-anointed. No president in history has accomplished so much destruction so quickly — the destruction of the American armed forces, the destruction of the economy and the dollar, a record deficit ensuring our decline for decades, a huge redistribution of wealth from the middle-classes to the rich thereby ensuring social tension for decades, and encouraging the kind of cult superstition and ignorance that has made places like Iran and Saudi Arabia the beacons of cultural and technological innovation they are today. Disaster, you think? Wrong. It’s perfect, if you’re a Middle American who hates America with all of the passion — in fact, with the very identical passion as his Islamic fundamentalist counterparts. Just look at the evidence: bin Laden has said that his two-pronged strategy to destroy America is aimed at both drawing it into a quagmire in the Middle East and by bankrupting it. Middle America voted back the president who has done exactly that — drag America into a quagmire, and bankrupted its finances, causing its currency to plummet by 60% since Bush took office. They hate America, and they want it destroyed, and we need to stop them now. Not by seceding, not by hand-wringing, not by getting to understand them, but by gassing them. Or nuking them. Or both, just to be sure. Followed by salting.

6:32 pm • Monday • April 11, 2011

Trouble is, you see, these denunciations coming from some impregnable fortress of righteousness seem to all have the same solution: that we should behave more like Republicans. Well I don’t want to, so there.

To denounce the only party that has done anything for us is not the solution. I would suggest that a better idea is we all get behind the Democrats and push. To suggest that there is no difference between the two parties and that our current president, consumed as he has been by an opposition that is literally insane, is somehow worse than his opponents is to me the definition of irresponsibility.

7:15 pm • Monday • April 11, 2011

@Benedick is not as stupid as he looks.: You are a very smart man and I agree with you.

7:30 pm • Monday • April 11, 2011

@Tommmcatt is with Karin Marie on This One: You’re just hot for me. And I don’t blame you.

7:43 pm • Monday • April 11, 2011

@Benedick is not as stupid as he looks.: It’s that clubfoot and go-funny eye. So sexy.

7:56 pm • Monday • April 11, 2011

@Benedick is not as stupid as he looks.: Right you are. Behave like Republicans, and you become like Republicans. Underhanded, immoral means always subvert any imagined good end. Huge quantities of wisdom, courage, and patience are needed. I have slender supplies of them, but surely huge quantities can be marshalled from among those of us who elected Obama a short time ago. Maybe we need to call ourselves something like Democrats not Fascists, along with telling people over and over again just what Fascism was and now is, at work in the land.

If local newspapers would devote themselves, as many already do, to examining each politician/pontificator’s facts and schemes, calling balls, strikes, and lies impartially, the electorate would be excited, probably to excellent effect, since the truth is on our side.

Better stop now. But once again, right you are, Benedick.

8:03 pm • Monday • April 11, 2011

I’m just thinking that the biggest liability the Democratic party has right now are Democrats. We need some focus here.

@Tommmcatt is with Karin Marie on This One: And the teeth. Don’t forget the teeth.

8:05 pm • Monday • April 11, 2011

@Benedick is not as stupid as he looks.: I love the entire dentifrice too, you’re right.

Add a comment