The Empire Strikes Back

But it’s YOUR PLAN, MITTENS!

government will reach fully half of the economy

And the other half doesn’t use freeways.

Time and NPR got it wrong as well.

Mittens is bad medicine.

Dude. Barack only wants $3. Or two-fiddy. (South Park should have done a little more research on that one.)

@I’m passing for white: Both Mitt and Barry use software with dollar-amount algorithms to test responses. If you get the three-buck email, that’s almost like checking whether the light is on.

Note he no longer says he will repeal Obamacare, only that he will WORK to repeal it. Meanwhile he will lie like a rug and make shit up. Whatevs.

@nojo: I eventually unsubscribed.

@Benedick: Jr. has been asking for you, Dude. Bugging the hell out of me.

@I’m passing for white: I only keep my PrezList subscriptions for amusement value. I like to know what they’re pitching.

@nojo: I figured. I hit the annoyance tipping point when I didn’t win the dinnrrr w/da prez contest. No donation required for entry…uh huh. A contest? That’s a page out of Marlboro’s playbook.

@I’m passing for white: No donation required for entry…uh huh.

Legal requirement. Applies to any sweepstakes-type promotion, not just political campaigns.

@nojo: I know. But…I’m cynical

Money buys access. I don’t have that kind of money, but it just seemed so fucked up. So commercial.

@I’m passing for white: “…it just seemed so fucked up. So commercial.”

As opposed to paying $50 K to eat a rubbery piece of salmon at some dot-com asshat douchebag’s house in Los Altos Hills and get a 3 second grip-n-grin photo w/ Black Eagle?

Obama’s campaign obviously understands the psychology behind state lotteries being cash cows with their “Donate a dollar and enter to win the drawing to hang with Barry and Shelley” push. They wouldn’t be doing it if it didn’t mean everyone between here and there is throwing in a few bucks just for shits and giggles.

I find the “two-fiddy” donation more honest than the $50K Silicon Valley events.

Boondocks TJ/ How’s your evening going? Mine? Thanks for asking. I just had one of these. (NSFW or for anyone who doesn’t care to hear the N word.)

I’m Granddad. Drunk Wayne [DW] is Colonel H. Stinkmeaner, except he’s not blind and can’t kick my ass.

Dramatis Personae:

I’m passing for white [IPfW], Cousin, housemate, caretaker and POA of Cousin with the Bump on the Head [CwtBotH]

Drunk Wayne [DW]: Notorious neighborhood drunk who lives directly across the street from IPfW and CwtBotH. Typically harmless; perpetually drunk.

CwtBotH: Suffered TBI almost two decades ago. Suffers from some cognitive and mood issues. Very nice guy. Recently released from hospital and currently in an outpatient day program.

Act I

Scene: The middle of the street at 9 PM. DW on his bike talking to some guy in a car.

IPfW: WANYE! Is that you?! I’ve got something to say to you! You better stop trying to ride away, because I can run faster than your drunk ass can ride.

[DW tries to take off. He’s not successful.]

IPfW, LOUD, neighborhood goes still for the duration: Why the fuck did you give CwtBotH beer? I talked nicely to you about that this morning, I’ve done it in the past, and you said you’d stop…

DW: I told CwtBotH that you’d cuss me out.

IPfW: Uh huh. And your dumbass did it anyway. What did I tell you about enabling him? Don’t make it easy for him. He’s depressed, and alcohol will just make him worse.

If he’s going to drink, force him to seek it out himself. He can’t, because he’s on TEN medications. Do you know how they’ll interact with alcohol? I ALREADY TOLD YOU: ALCOHOL COULD KILL HIM, YOU STUPID FUCK!

DW: He’s my buddy.

IPfW: Then start FUCKING ACTING LIKE IT, YOU ASSHOLE!

DW: Hey. Hey. I’m a grown man. You can’t talk to me like…

IPfW: I CAN TALK TO YOU HOWEVER THE FUCK I WANT! GROWN MAN!? THEN START FUCKING ACTING LIKE IT! I WOULDN’T BE CUSSING YOU OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING STREET IF YOU GAVE A FUCK OR UNDERSTOOD WHAT I’M TELLING YOU! YOU GOT ANY BRAINS CELLS LEFT TO UNDERSTAND ME? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME, WAYNE? DO YOU? DO YOU?!!!

I LOVE HIM. I WON’T LET ANYONE HELP KILL HIM!

DW: I’m a man and…

IPfW (finger/whole palm in DW’s face, head and neck action, wishes he had a weave or earrings to snatch): SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN!

DW: Don’t tell me to…

IPfW: I SAY–ID SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN! YOU’RE A GROWN MAN? THEN STOP ACTING LIKE A CHILD! MY TWO-YEAR -OLD NEPHEW HAS MORE SENSE THAN YOU!

DW: I’m not a child. You can’t talk to me like that…

IPfW: THE HELL I CAN’T! YOU WANTED ME TO CUSS YOUR DUMBASS OUT? WELL HERE IT IS, YOU FUCKER. GROW THE FUCK UP! BE A REAL FRIEND!

DW: IPfW, IPfW, [reaches out to touch her] calm down, calm…

IPfW: CALM DOWN?! DON’T YOU FUCKING TELL ME TO CALM DOWN! PLEASE FUCKING TOUCH ME AND GIVE ME AN EXCUSE TO BEAT YOU DOWN LIKE THE DOG YOU ARE, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE YOU KNOW AS SURE AS THE DAY YOU WERE BORN, I’LL FUCK YOU UP!

SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN.

DW: (unintelligible) He’s my buddy, so I’m going to help him out.

IPfW: SHUT THE FUCK UP, WAYNE! HELP HIM OUT? FUCK YOU, WAYNE! FUCK YOU, WAYNE, YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH! YOU’RE HELPING HIM KILL HIMSELF! FUCK YOU, WAYNE! FUCK YOU!

DW: You don’t need to cuss me out…

IPfW: SHUT THE FUCK UP AND LISTEN, WAYNE! YOU WANTED ME TO CUSS YOU OUT, SO ENJOY IT. YOU BETTER NOT COME TO HIS FUNERAL, YOU STUPID FUCK, AND I’M TELLING THE WHOLE FAMILY ABOUT YOUR BULLSHIT, AND THEN WHAT?! YOU’RE HIS BUDDY? THEN STOP FUCKING GIVING HIM BEER! I GUESS YOU WANT TO HELP HIM DIE?

DW: We’re men. We’re older than you…

IPfW: SHUT THE FUCK UP, WAYNE. YOU DON’T GET TO TALK. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK HOW OLD YOU ARE. IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU GOT SENSE.

DW: (unintelligible)

IPfW: DIDN’T I TELL YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP? LOOK. DON’T DO THIS AGAIN! EVER! I’M FUCKING SERIOUS, WAYNE.

AND KEEP YOU DUMBASS OUTTA MY FUCKING YARD!

[Exeunt IPfW, turning her back on DW, and DW who is last seen wobbling off on his bike as IPfW marches into her yard to wait for the adrenaline to wear off.]

Act II

Scene: IPfW and CwtBotH’s back porch.

CwtBotH: IPfW, was that you?

IPfW: Yes.

CwtBotH: Who’d you cuss out like that?

IPfW: Wayne.

CwtBotH: Why?

IPfW: Go to bed and get some rest.

@I’m passing for white: I love you.

That said, when will Benedick’s happy villagers dance through a dramatic interlude of the musical? I feel like everybody needs to do a soft-shoe to “Keep You Dumbass Outta My Fucking Yard” – amirite?

@SanFranLefty: I love you, too, so much.

Grrr. Typo. But yeah, I’m not passing so good. ;-)

My mom tried to send me to finishing school. Trufax and too late. :-D

ADD: Bene is too refined.

@SanFranLefty: I hear you. My thing was, if I do win, do I get to speak my mind? That was the attraction. Maybe I would have been awe- and dumbstruck; it’s hard to say.

But access? That would be nice.

Small Town Problems:

IPfWMom (AKA The Original): That wasn’t very ladylike [among other things].

Neighbor 1: We turned down the TV so we could hear.

Neighbor 2: We heard you snappin’! Sometimes it has to be done.

I’ll talk to my shrink about it next week.