In Honor of July 4th: Our Fabulous Gay Presidents.

As is widely known, on average between four to five percent of men are likely to be homosexual. So far we have elected 42 Americans and one Kenyan. By my reckoning, since many were Republicans, that means we’ve had at least sixteen of my people in the White House. Some of our more distinguished men who love men include:

George Washington.

Well, I mean, look at him.

Had way too much fun up at Lake Ticonderoga as a twenty-something soldier. Fun which was repeated when, as leader of the continental army, he sat outside Boston for the better part of a year so he could hit the bars. War won (thank you, France), like any self-respecting gay pol he found an heiress to finance his public life and settled down.

Biggest achievement: White breeches.

Biggest disappointment: Failure to convince Congress that what the newly minted country most needed, apart from a strong centralized government, was hereditary knighthoods.

Best line: “Some things are better without teeth.”

John Adams.

Known around Faneuil Hall as ‘Edie’.

Had a life-long fascination with the navy. When not throwing hissy-fits was often to be found wandering the docks. Fond of seamen and all things nautical: knots; rum; bell-bottoms; long voyages without Abigail; candlelight suppers. Disliked the French; the English; the Americans; Benjamin Franklin; Thomas Jefferson (with whom he was secretly in love); voting; voters; dogs; children; people. Screamed into his pillow for three days straight after Jefferson won the election of 1800: hence the expression ‘pillow-biter’.

Biggest achievement: Dumping our allies, the French, who had just bankrupted themselves fighting les Anglais when the colonists couldn’t or wouldn’t. And the Sedition Act, under the guise of which he was able to throw Ben Franklin’s grandson in jail for printing unflattering stories about him.

Biggest disappointment: Not being able to persuade congress to address him as ‘Your Majesty’.

Best line: “The wife’s out of town.”

James Buchannan.

Perennial bachelor and fashion plate. Widely thought to be one of the worst, if not the worst, of our presents till Dubya broke the mold.

In reality he would seem to have been a decent man who tried too hard to reconcile hostile elements at war in the country, plus the Dred Scott decision made by a supreme court even worse than today’s, banks out of control, rampant land speculation in the West producing an unsustainable bubble, yadda yadda yadda.

More to the point was his attempt, after a trip to Cuba, to welcome that island nation into our proud confederation of states, whether it wanted to or not.

Biggest achievement: Founding Dupont Circle.

Biggest disappointment: Everything.

Best Line: “Let me get that for you.”

Abraham Lincoln.

At the age of 23 he bought a general store with his partner, Billy Berry. The two spent the next four years sleeping together in a bed less than three feet wide.

As Berry would later say, “I never knew if it was Abe or the bedpost”.

While living in the white house, when his wife was away, Lincoln liked to share his bed with a marine—As indeed who doesn’t?

Biggest achievement: Saving the Union.

Biggest disappointment: Saving the Union.

Best line: “While you’re down there…”

Richard Nixon.

When not subverting American democracy to usher in an endless Republican hegemony, Dick liked dick. Particularly Bebe Rebozzo’s. Here they can be seen returning from a weekend of sun and surf at Key West.

When asked by David Frost in the famous interview what he, Dick, most regretted, he replied that he most regretted he hadn’t thrown it all over to open the little bar and dive shop he always dreamed about and instead had chosen to let his soul wither, his feelings die, his life become so cramped and sterile he hardly knew who he was any more. And that he felt sorry for Pat but reckoned she had it coming.

Biggest achievement: Destroying the country.

Biggest disappointment: Not getting into David Shine’s pants.

Best line: “Even monsters need someone to love.”

And the future?

If George W. Bush was our first ex-gay president are our glory days behind us? I don’t think so. So long as we have a Republican party we’ll have plenty of candidates for the Biggest Dick in the Land. For example: