The British Are Coming — to Dinner!

We’ve been sitting out today’s Palin Feeding Frenzy because we’re unsure about the quality of the meal. But if you’d like to taste it yourself, here’s what she said yesterday about Our Nation’s Founding Cookware Manufacturer:

He who warned, uh, the British that they weren’t going to be taking away our arms uh by ringing those bells and making sure as he’s riding his horse through town to send those warning shots and bells that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free and we were going to be armed.

Of course, Paul Revere didn’t warn the British — he warned the colonists about the British. And so, to quote Current TV’s new spokesblowhard, “That woman is an idiot.”

Except we like our Idiots to be a clean kill, and Palin’s message is so garbled, she may very well have been trying to say the right thing, but it just came out wrong. In our exacting editorial judgment, this doesn’t meet the high standards of “In what respect, Charlie?” and “[I read] all of them.” But you’re welcome to differ, because this is a Free Country, and we’re pretty sure you’re armed.

Sarah Palin’s History Lesson: Paul Revere Warned The British [ThinkProgress]

It’s like she’s trying to remember Longfellow’s “Paul Revere’s Ride”–which every schoolchild had to memorize in my day–but can’t quite get there.

@Mistress Cynica: One if by Land Rover and two if I can see Russia from my house.

“And then he made those great pots which the Patriots and Minute Rice Men used to cook a feast that lulled the Red Coats to sleep and allowed them to steal their coats to start the Burlington Coat Factory.”

What the hell is a warning bell?

You remember the PUMAs? They of Hillaryis44 fame? Of fun turns of phrase like “inadequate black male” and other loopy pronouncements? If history doesn’t repeat itself, but rhymes instead, we may be in for some Rebecca-Black-style FUN FUN FUN FUN next spring. (Particularly if Shelly Bachmann is in the mix.)

@chicago bureau: PUMAS! OMG I’d forgotten the PUMAS! Chillin in da front seat. Chillin in da back seat.

I think the meat of the story here is that this was a scripted appearance; it’s now clear that not only can Caribou Barbie not handle questions, she can’t even keep her TALKING POINTS straight. FFS, couldn’t she have written it on her hand before the speech?

@Benedick — grab a pillow and put it on the floor, to catch your chin before it hits the ground, but: is still up and running, with active posts and everything.

I can’t believe it, and yet I can.

@al2o3cr: FAIL. Nobody would think to give Sarah Plain and Dumb talking points on Paul Revere. They think that — even for her — there is a bedrock of BASIC MOTHERFUCKING KNOWLEDGE. That presumption, as shown here, is totes rebuttable.

And they don’t much care. Honestly: hands up, everyone who thinks that somebody locked Sarah in a room tonight with a fourth-grade U.S. history textbook and demanded that she read the damned thing. (Not a textbook with the cover depicting a summit meeting between Thomas Jefferson, Jesus Christ and a dinosaur. A real one.)

. . . .

Didn’t think so.

Gotcha journalism = sticking a microphone in Sarah Palin’s face and recording whatever comes out.

Incidentally, the real hero of “Paul Revere’s Ride” was a 16-year-old girl. Revere himself just kinda rode around his neighborhood- Sybil Luddington rode twice as far (over 40 miles), warning of the advancing British troops while hiding from them.

Unfortunately, as a Vagina-American, she didn’t count back then. Also, her name does not conveniently rhyme with the word “hear”.

@ManchuCandidate: “And ya know, it wasn’t over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor because of God-given American exceptionalism.”

What’s killer is the Talibunny showing up someplace is considered ‘news.’ How? And why the fuck should it be covered as anything but a prank by media? Sure, local press should send someone, but the reporters should align their questions with the spirit of the event, like asking if the Talibunny would take off her shirt and lead the press corps in jumping jacks.

This post is generating ads for Ye Olde Colonial Slut costumes.

I’m afraid. Very afraid.

ADD 1: @chicago bureau: I plan to use the phrase “Grab a pillow and put it on the floor to catch your chin as it hits the floor” as much as possible. Love. It.

ADD 2: @Tommmcatt Be Fat, And That Be That: I did not know that piece of Vagina-American/Wymmin’s History. Groovy.

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