Coming to a Theater Near You

This is what we in the business call “DTV Product”. There is a poor soul in my office that has to do the creative for crap like this that the mouse buys up to package for quick sale. She looks miserable most of the time, mostly because to do creative you actually have to watch the films you’re trying to sell, and that area of business is too small for her to have an assistant that she can force to do that for her.

@Tommmcatt the Wet Sprocket: This is what I call a trainwreck. Craptastic! FAIL!

It’ll probably do well at the box office, because stuff I hate always does.

@blogenfreude:

That’ll never hit the Box Office, trust me. DTV stands for “Direct-to-Video”. The “Asylum Home Entertainment” logo at the beginning is the tip-off.

Best movie review EVAR by Joe Queenan.

@Tommmcatt the Wet Sprocket: I would be afraid to put it in my DVD player. It might explode.

@blogenfreude: Wait, that’s Debbie Gibson!! She’s quoted over on the emteevee site as being “shocked” at the “buzz” that this “independent film” is generating.

Yes, Debbie Gibson. I’d like to see that video recut so that a humongous shark leaps out of the water and devours her as she strolls along the riverbank.

I am so there.

Can’t be worse than “Carnosaur”.

That was 80’s pop star “Debbie” Gibson, I believe.

ADD: badmovies.org on Carnosaur. Best part: the epic “construction machine v. dinosaur” battle at the end.

http://www.badmovies.org/movies/carnosaur/

This is for real? Shit.

God damn America!

YouTube must be down.

@blogenfreude: Nope – it was the site – fixed itself.

Aren’t you glad I’m sharing this?

The Asylum entertainment has also provided us with Transmorphers, The Day the Earth Stopped, and other fine mockbusters!

@blogenfreude: Google’s been having some problems the past couple days. Looks like zombie ants invaded their server farms.

I believe we’re contractually obligated to add this:

I’m tired of these motherfucking sharks on this motherfucking plane!

@nojo: you beat me to it. Add some (more) gratuitous nudity and car chases, and I might go see this.

Personally I was more afraid of the trailer for Nine.

@Benedick: Oh did they finally make a sequel to “Seven”?

@Benedick: I don’t care how awful it is. Daniel Day-Lewis looks hot again, and that’s all that matters.

@Mistress Cynica: He always looks hot. Even in My Left Foot.