Psychogeezer: Pestorking in Rio Makes Me a Modern Day Benjamin Franklin

I can see Wall Street from my State, and I once fucked a banker; make me Secretary of the Treasury!

@Promnight: I used to own a half-Arabian horse, which apparently qualifies me to run FEMA. And I’ve fucked a couple lobbyists, so Ambassador to Italy isn’t out of the question.

I spent 8 years putting up with academic BS at a large state university, so I can be Secretary of Education! Alternatively, I’m definitely qualified to be ambassador to France, because I really, really like Paris and want to be the next Pamela Harriman. And Mr Cyn worked in a French restaurant (run by real Frenchmen) for 7 years. We’d be perfect!

I’ve covered the military as a newspaper reporter, so that totally qualifies me as Secretary of Defense, and I also covered the police, which makes me eligible to be the head of the FBI.

Well, I don’t own a gun (but I’ve shot one when I was in boy scouts), but I’m otherwise overqualified to be the head of the BATF.

@rptrcub: I will fight you for the FBI. You don’t watch as much X-Files as I have without learning a thing or two about the Bureau. (Although I mostly just want to be able to refer to it as “the Bureau.”)

I now have ten days of management experience. The Executive Branch is my bitch.

I interviewed for a job with the ATF one time, so I volunteer to take over both the war on Hispanic immigrants and the war on drugs. There should be some major opportunities to improve the old retirement fund with those jobs.

Wait, I also lost my defense job of twenty years when the agency decided to contract out more work, so I’m probably overqualified to run the contracting for the DoD. I imagine there’s even more money to be made in that line.

I live in a house, so I am qualified to be Secretary of Housing and Urban Development.

I’m in debt, I can haz Treasury?

I was a medic in the Navy. Surgeon General, please. Free condoms for all!

Actually, I’d like to be Sec. of the Interior so I can oversee the BIA. I have no qualifications whatsoever, but I hope to lead an NDN insurrection. Like when AIM took over Alcatraz only bigger.

Hmm, I’m a bit late to the party, but let’s see…

I grew up in Washington D. C./NYC, & most of my immediate family are crazy spooks (i.e., work in private intelligence/executive security), so I can be Director of the C.I.A., plz?

If not that, how about Secretary of Homeland Security?

@Fifth_Avenoodle:
Must make dinner conversations tough.

“How was your day at work, dear?”
“If I told you then I’d have to kill you…”

@Fifth_Avenoodle: To head DHS you will need to show your total incompetence and obliviousness in the face of absolute disaster.

@Nabisco,

Not as bad as you’d think, lol. Although they loved busting out “shop talk” around any unsuspecting boys I’d bring home, just to keep them in line.

And until I was 10 or so, I thought my mom worked for the Dept. of Agriculture.

@Mistress Cynica

My former college professors/bosses could probably argue for my total incompetence, if not obliviousness, in the face of just about everything.

Hasn’t been tested in absolute disaster, but I’m sure I could manage.

Also, since I have absolutely no qualifications other than family members in the business, I’d be carrying on the proud Bush administration traditions of nepotism & cronyism.

Win-win, really.

@Fifth_Avenoodle: I’ll get around to writing up Stupid Commenter Tricks at some point, but click that arrow to the right of a comment and you’ll never have to type an @ sign again.

@nojo: Thanks. I should have remembered that. I can be a total spaz, so don’t mind me.

@Fifth_Avenoodle: The only spazzes when it comes to computers and websites are geeks. There are no bad users, only bad interfaces.

@JNOV: My dad was inside the BIA offices in D.C. when AIM took it over in 1972. He never considered himself to be a hostage until Mrs RML framed it that way for him.

@mellbell, rcubbie: As a Full Blooded Indian, I should have the FBI.

@drinkyclown: Why is there a BATF if alcohol and firearms don’t mix?

After the 2002 gubernatorial election here, I told the newly elected lt. gov that I wanted to be Minister of Trout Fishing. I’m still waiting for them to get back to me.

@redmanlaw: My kid has a variation of this shirt.

@nabisco wherever you are: How ’bout those Phillies? No good, eh? Then how ’bout those Steelers? Sweetheart, I don’t get the Phillies animus. We’re all from the same state and in different leagues, so it’s all good, right?

@JNOV: Tha’s Geronimo and his boys ’round the time they’s fightin the US for the homeland (partly in SW NM). Remember when that was my gravatar? JNOV Jr. can never run for office now that he has consorted with an enemy of the US. Bad mommy. (There’s also versions with Navajo guys and Pueblo guys). I bet the guy who came up with it wishes he had copyrighted it).

Steelars – down to the wire, demoralize the Jags so they face Denver with their heads hanging. And on Lyndon’s behalf, may I say, ‘ah, sport.”

So JNOV, it’s you v. Dodger now for hometown braggin’ rights.

@redmanlaw: My favorite part of the Alcatraz tour is the film about AIM living there. There is still AIM graffiti on the outer wall. I still can’t stand Russell Means, though.

I don’t remember that being your avatar, but excellent choice.

Has Dodger shown up? I’m happy to see Lyndon!

@redmanlaw: I know, right? I’d kick the firearm enforcement over to the FBI, merge with the DEA, and then start a full on decriminalization of most controlled substances starting with pot.

@JNOV: Wow, you’ve been to Alcatraz? I’ve lived in the Bay Area for 32 years (15 of them with a nice view of The Rock) and have never been there. It’s one of those places I always thought would be depressing. Is it actually a fun thing to do?

@Ewalda: I’ve been there three times — day time, sunset and nighttime. The nighttime tour is creepy as can be. You have to go, but you usually have to get your tickets a week in advance. Tell me you have been to the Hearst Castle.

ADD: Where I really want to go is Angel Island and that little island with the B&B where they ship in fresh water. The Vallejo ferry passes the tiny island.

@JNOV: Hearst Castle is great, although some of the scripted misinformation and misidentification of some of the statues by the guides can be annoying. The place reeks of beautiful people pestorking clandestinely.
I’ve never been to the little BnB island, but Angel Island is a really great place to spend a day hiking and picknicking. Just watch out for company picnics. I had one there once that turned into a rowdy drunken blowout. Come to think of it, every company function that company had turned into drunken blowouts. We were 86’d from Hornblower Yachts Dinner Cruise, two casinos in Tahoe, that really nice club house in Stern Grove, Some big hotel in LA (I forget which one), etc.

@Ewalda: I’m banned from the local ACE Hardware.

@redmanlaw: That hammer thing again, huh?

@Ewalda: It’s certainly fun if you’re — um, lemme count —16 or so. Family trip to Frisco (nyaah!), did the tourist thing, not long after the Park Service took it over.

My dad liked the part about how you could point to any cell and say the Birdman lived there, since inmates were always shuffled around. I liked how they preserved the still-recent AIM aftermath, saying it was now part of Alcatraz history.

@Ewalda: Dispute over bar stools purchased by Mrs RML at a summer clearance sale. I miss the free popcorn.

@redmanlaw: Free popcorn? If they ever did that where I live, they stopped it long ago. All you have these days is geezers older than me shuffling around in their red vests. They never get to run the register, though. That’s reserved for young women under 25. It’s an odd setup.

@JNOV: The indoor pool give me the willies, and I don’t know enough about art to discern fact from fiction. I do love the mosaic at the main entrance. I’ve been there a few times, too. Again a sunset tour. I don’t like the tour where you have folks sitting around in period garb looking stupid.

I’ve been banned from a bar in Brigantine cuz I FIGHT THE DJ! Ya!

@nojo: Boourns to you, nojo! I was in my thirties when I went, and I loved it. We had a private tour of the medical wing and the Birdman’s room — more than a cell. And there was fake blood on the ceiling from the filming of The Rock.

@JNOV: I’ve been banned from the Oregon Country Fair for keeping the hippies awake with chants of “Lick the Gods” and “Ride the Snake”. Best acid trip of my life, and well worth the consequences.

@nojo: Beautiful.

@nojo: HAHAHAHAHAHA! I have never messed with hallucinogenics. I figure my reality is weird enough as it is. I did see notes floating in the air when I was really really high one St Patrick’s Day in Margate, NJ. I was sitting in my car with some dude listening to Kashmir, and all these little quarter notes of various colors were floating around. My eyes were closed, so it might have been more of a dream, but I’m pretty sure I was awake. And then the cop came. I had the engine running because it was cold out, and the cop said he’d driven past us a couple of times and it was time to move along.

Tip: If you’re a vet and you get stopped, keep your license and your military ID together and make sure the cop sees the military ID when you hand him or her your license. A lot of them are vets, too, and you might get a pass — professional courtesy and whatnot.

UTKnoxville used to have a summer theater in the Smokies (don’t know if they still do). My brother and I were asked to leave during some performance of a drama. Starry-eyed and laughing, as it were.
Tripping was just the best, even those times when it was bad.

@JNOV: I only dropped acid a handful of times, and I think that was the last one. After Total Self-Actualization (including our entire camp singing Gilligan’s Island as loud as possible — I earned that ban), my hallucinogenic work was finished.

Although I never hallucinated as such. Totally pissed me off.

These days, it’s the rare year I’m even within smoking distance of bud, and most weeks I’m not even drawn to alcohol. No latent false morality — life just evolves.

@nojo: Yes, yes it does. The last time I got high, I smoked with my baby brother. It was my 36th birthday, which means he was about to turn 20. We sat around and watched Sponge Bob and giggled our asses off. (Jr was away at summer camp.) Teletubbies are good to watch when you’re high, too.

@nojo: Jim Morrison? The West is the Best.

@JNOV: Mrs RML said that Michelle Unicorn’s biggest client while she was in private practice was Barney (yes, that Barney).

“Hi, Barry. How was your day?”
“Oh, you know, teaching the constitution, consorting with terrorists. And you?”
“I’m helping to put a purple dinosaur on TV. The kids will love it.”

A few months later in Wasilla, Alaska (“more crack than the Grand Canyon”), a fading prima donna wearing oilskins and smelling of dead salmon flops in a brown tweed chair, and flips on the TV. She sees a purple dinosaur singing and dancing with people. Her eyes widen. The cool lighting of basic cable connects with everything she has ever been taught, all that she has come to believe.

The Earth is 6,000 years old and man coexisted with the dinosaurs. It was on TV. It must be true.

@redmanlaw: Yes. We were doing a mashup of Morrison and Gilligan’s Island and Cargo Cults that night — a retro-polynesian brew we call “Retronesia”.

You had to be there, but you’re lucky you weren’t.