The Porpoise-Driven Liveblog
What’s that, Flipper? You say the presidential candidates are debating at a church? Only it’s not really a debate, more like dueling interviews, and not really a church, more like a Mall of Christ?
Or are you bitching about the headline? Dolphins, porpoises, nobody gives a flying backflip about your evolutionary turf wars, and you all taste the same to my friend Shamu across the I-8.
So quit yer yap-yap-yap yap-yap-yap yap-yap-yap-yap-yappin’. We have some serious typing to do in about twenty minutes. Here, go fetch this can of tuna.
7:43: It’s actually 4:43 in Sandy Eggo, but we’ll try to transpose the hours, at least through the first couple of beers.
7:48: CNN’s chattering about some JeezusFest in D.C. — anti-abortion, anti-gay-marriage, yadda yadda. Note to self: Find the place in the Sermon on the Mount where Jesus says “Blessed Are the Cretins”.
7:54: CNN talking head: “A lot of people do get their information from the Internet, and they’re cynical.” Drink!
8:00: LET’S GET READY TO RUMMMMMMMBLE!!!
8:02: Pastor Rick bringz da rimshotz.
8:08: Barry drops Matthew on “America’s greatest moral failure”, successfully evades three days of headlines.
8:15: Commercial break? “Resting on the seventh day: Priceless.”
8:27: Barry does a soft-shoe around abortion, comes up with “civil unions” for gay marriage, yadda yadda about stem cells. Whatever happened to Liberation Theology?
8:32: Given the opportunity to knock off a Justice, Barry picks off Thomas first, then Scalia. Thomas may be “incompetent”, but isn’t that better than if he knew what he was doing?
8:41: So here’s the news: Pastor Rick is asking better questions than most network anchors. He actually drove through the hot buttons rather quickly, almost apologetically, and the lack of high-five gotchas is a nice change. We can almost forgive him for the goatee.
8:57: Barry’s done, no howlers. What a disappointment. Bring it on, Geezer, we need to drink.
9:02: And Geezer opens with a shout-out to Petraeus. Game ON!
9:04: Greatest moral failure? “The failure of my first marriage.” No details, but give him credit.
9:07: Shout-out to Reagan! Shout-out to Thatcher! Please, don’t everyone yell Bingo at once.
9:08: Offshore drilling! DJ Geez is picking ’em up and laying ’em down!
9:09: Nukes! Oh sweet Jesus, the crowd is about to spontaneously rapture! GEE-zer! GEE-zer!
9:11: POW! Dude, even Cher saves something for the encore.
9:16: Is it the POW Christmas story? Is it? Cross in the sand? Come on, come on…
9:17: YESSSS! Pandermonium breaks out!
9:19: Hey, PUMA! “I’ve got a 25-year pro-life record.”
9:22: Bin Laden, Gates of Hell, etc.
9:23: Iraq! Iraq! Iraq!
9:24: Is it just us, or did Geezer just put his stump speech on shuffle?
9:29: And we thought Reagan governed by index card. Geezer plans to govern by bumper sticker.
9:33: Typical example of wasteful spending: $3 million on bear DNA. Um, what about the trillion in Iraq?
9:37: McCain feels strongly about your Constitutional rights. But it seems he can’t count to Four.
9:39: In case it’s not yet apparent: Barry tried to engage the questions (within political limits, of course), while Geezer just twists them into a talking point. Why do we suspect McCain will get the credit for a “strong performance”?
9:41: Second or third Reagan reference, plus at least two Petraeuses. Full house!
9:44: Hey, fundies: “Georgia was one of the earliest Christian nations.” Well, that cuts through the complexities.
9:47: Another Reagan. That’s four Ronnies. Call.
9:51: “I put my country first during the S&L crisis.” Hold on, we think we got the audio wrong.
9:53: And… scene! Now on to CNN, so they can tell us how they watched a different event entirely.
FLYINGCHAINSAW • TRUMP: MACHINE GUNNING ORPHANAGES AND CONVENTS BY ME IS CONSTITUTIONAL AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME ERECT WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE! Sen. sENEMA has a career ahead of her in giving designer psychedelic enemas to trust-fund…
MANCHUCANDIDATE • TRUMP: MACHINE GUNNING ORPHANAGES AND CONVENTS BY ME IS CONSTITUTIONAL AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME ERECT WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE! @¡Andrew!: She thought three's company. Nope.
¡ANDREW! • TRUMP: MACHINE GUNNING ORPHANAGES AND CONVENTS BY ME IS CONSTITUTIONAL AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME ERECT WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE! Gawd hates SIN, specifically Kyrsten SINema.
¡ANDREW! • TRUMP: MACHINE GUNNING ORPHANAGES AND CONVENTS BY ME IS CONSTITUTIONAL AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME ERECT WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE! So long, Senatard Glitter-trash. I hope she knows how much everyone H8s her :0)
¡ANDREW! • TRUMP: MACHINE GUNNING ORPHANAGES AND CONVENTS BY ME IS CONSTITUTIONAL AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME ERECT WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE! The racist kleptocratic MSM is really gonna have to crank up the bread and circuses now that their…
FLYINGCHAINSAW • TRUMP: MACHINE GUNNING ORPHANAGES AND CONVENTS BY ME IS CONSTITUTIONAL AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME ERECT WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE! @¡Andrew!: Ted Kazinski Sec of Interior Only the DEAD are extreme enough to serve in DONNIE…
¡ANDREW! • TRUMP: MACHINE GUNNING ORPHANAGES AND CONVENTS BY ME IS CONSTITUTIONAL AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME ERECT WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE! @FlyingChainSaw: Department of Health & Human Services: Charles Manson Defense Secretary:…
FLYINGCHAINSAW • TRUMP: MACHINE GUNNING ORPHANAGES AND CONVENTS BY ME IS CONSTITUTIONAL AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME ERECT WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE! @¡Andrew!: Right, the administration's all star line up: Pres: Trump VP: Ted Kaczynski…
FLYINGCHAINSAW • TRUMP: MACHINE GUNNING ORPHANAGES AND CONVENTS BY ME IS CONSTITUTIONAL AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME ERECT WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE! @FlyingChainSaw: Actually, FDLE would be the first to admit it. The state banks on it with 'sue me…
¡ANDREW! • TRUMP: MACHINE GUNNING ORPHANAGES AND CONVENTS BY ME IS CONSTITUTIONAL AND SOMETIMES IT MAKES ME ERECT WITHOUT PHARMACEUTICAL ASSISTANCE! I cannot wait for the Republinazi MAGAt trash to DEMAND that $hitler be allowed to be president…