Pope Jokes Open Thread

I read today that LA’s own Cardinal Mahoney, who covered up priest child sexual abuse for decades and then raided the cemetery fund to pay off settlements of abuse cases, is going to Rome to vote for the new Pope.

The Vatican should scour their forbidden library for books that might include a rite to raise the dead. I’m thinking that the zombie corpse of Cesar Borgia might prove to be a less ethically challenged pope than the last few we’ve had.

Would it be possible to stack the vote by substituting some St. Louis Cardinals for the real ones?

@matador1015: Chicago Cubs fans might have a problem with that.

All those years of destroying clergy who disagreed with him and shuffling priests around to avoid paying just compensation for child abuse can take a toll on a man.

@Serolf Divad: He makes for better TV, that’s for sure.

@Tommmcatt Can’t Believe He Ate The Whole Thing: “Italian Idolator”.

Comedian Doug Stanhope once said, “Did you hear about that new Nazi? He used to be a Pope!”

It was a slow night in the Confessional when Fr Murphy needed to take a leak so bad he could taste it. Taking a peak outside he spots the janitor pushing a dust mop down the aisle. Father calls the janitor over and asks him to sit in for him. “It won’t be a problem just a few Hail Marys for lying and some Our Fathers for kids that steal, you know the routine.”

No sooner than the Padre leaves then some teenaged girl slides in and confesses to giving her beau a BJ. The janitor is now thinking “what do I do now, Father didn’t say anything about BJs. So he is peeking out of the confessional and spots an altar boy lighting candles and calls him over thinking maybe he will know. He whispers to the kid “Hey, what does Father give for blow jobs?” and the kid responds, “Usually just milk and cookies.”

Vatican officials are now regretting giving those two polite, nicely dressed young men from Ogden, UT a private meeting with the Pope.

@DElurker: When I was a kid, many of my friends went to the local Catholic school. One of them told me this now-antiquated joke:

What kind of meat do priests eat on Friday?

Nun.

@Jesuswalksinidaho: +1

I was doing late night college radio when JP was shot. I know that Nojo remembers how the news wire bells sounded when there was breaking news. I immediately made a Pope joke and the switchboard at my little 10 watt station lit up.

I probably put side 2 of Eat A Peach on and went out for a smoke.

I’m so proud of you all for rising to the occasion. As the actress said…

It’s said that a wartime BBC announcer, overcome by the majesty of his task, went live on air to announce “… Ladies and gentlemen, Peep Pious the Poop.” His overcoat still hangs at Broadcasting House. So I’m told.

If you take a job you need to honor it. If the staff embalmed those bits of colon snipped out a few years back so the giblets can get buried with you so on that great come and get it day you can rise from your grave complete with pretty dress then deal with it. You get the palace you work the contract. If you don’t like it it’s tough. Resignation? Really? You’re supposed to die in place. That’s part of the motherfucking magisterium, asshole.

Oh no. We can’t redefine marriage. Or wimmin priests. Or married priests (like it could amount to as many as five who aren’t porking their altar boys who might conceivably be interested in wimmin). However we can redefine the fundamental structure of the church so girlfriend can catch some rays.

OK, what’s the difference between the Nazi Pope and acne?

Acne doesn’t come on the face of a 10 year old boy.

@TimN: Stylish.

@Benedick: It’s elegant because it is simple.

@Benedick: It always takes our resident Limey North Sea Islander to put things properly in perspective. Grazie!

@Beggars Biscuit: I don’t think we had an AP feed at the college rag in the late Seventies — and the newsroom went electronic my first year there, so no bells.

(Dedicated system connected to a Lino in the back — we were livin’ large.)

No AP in McMinnville, either — community newspaper, three editions a week.

We did have AP at the campus classical station in the mid-80s — I vaguely remember doing local rip & reads during Morning Edition — but if the printer had bells, I don’t remember them. Or maybe nothing ever happened.

@nojo: I mostly used it for the local weather and sports to anchor the top of the hour call sign. I did only late night shows, 10-2 was my favorite time slot, and if I had read the news in Esperanto few would have cared. My “target audience” consisted of my friends and a handful of inmates at the federal pen that once housed Al Calpone, John Gotti, Alger Hiss and the original “Nucky” Thompson.

Team name at trivia last night: Papacy Turns Eight, Pope Loses Interest.

@mellbell: He’s resigning to spend more time with other people’s children.

OK, now it’s Silkwood-shower time (shudder).

@¡Andrew!:
That earned a rimshot, but not the kind a pedo priest likes.

@ManchuCandidate: When we find out the real reason for Pope Pious the XXX’s resignation, it’ll make my Sarah Palin-horse-fucking theory sound like a plot for the Backyardigans.

@¡Andrew!: Pretty sure it’s Pope Resigns to Spend More Time with Personal Secretary. And who can blame him?

@mellbell: I’m def seeing the Richard Chamberlain/Thorn Birds resemblance.