The Annoyance Scale
There was a segment on MSNBC yesterday morning about Bethenny Frankel. She is a self-help guru. She is a “celebrity natural food chef.” She is a Real Housewife of New York. And she is really fucking annoying.
But how annoying is she, really? Incredibly annoying? She’s certainly no Paris Hilton. Moderately annoying? Heidi Montag and Justin Bieber fill that role every day. What we need people, is a scale. We need a shorthand. We should be able to say: “He’s Larry King annoying” and have others understand what we mean. So here are a few modest suggestions, starting with the least-annoying annoying person:
10. Bethenny Frankel – for the reasons set forth above: she’s really annoying, but she is a mere fly on the turd that is the seriously annoying celebrity. One more thing – she named her daughter Bryn Casey Hoppy. Seriously.
9. Pope Benedict XVI – the mere sight of this little fucker on TV is annoying. He could sell off half the Vatican’s assets and solve world hunger, but fuck that, he needs another pair of custom shoes. From Dickipedia: “Although his main job responsibilities [as cardinal] were defending and reaffirming Catholic doctrine on topics such as birth control (no), homosexuality (no way), and inter-religious dialogue (sorry, pal), he also found the time to ruin thousands of young lives by applying “confidentiality of internal Church investigations” to accusations made against alter boy-raping priests across the globe. In other words, one dick was covering up for other dicks who couldn’t keep their dicks in their pants.”
8. Carlos Mencia – he is a comedian who is not funny. He had his own Comedy Central show for four seasons. He is known among his comic brethren for stealing entire routines and performing them without attribution – Joe Rogan and other comedians famously took him to task onstage. He is a dick, but given that you don’t see him that much anymore he rates only an 8 on this scale.
7. Ben Stein – Nixon apologist, evolution denier, shameless shill, conservative pundit, former White House speechwriter, former professor at wingnut factory Pepperdine Law, writer, lawyer – what’s not to like? Who in Hollywood made the decision to put him on TV? What sentient being thought that people would buy anything, anything based on his endorsement? He is an annoyance and an embarrassment to not only our nation, but to our species.
6. Elisabeth Hasselbeck – it’s one thing to be ignorant, like the Tea Party, and another to be willfully ignorant, like … the Tea Party. But it’s another thing entirely to bring the stupid every time you’re on TV. Yet Elisabeth does it – from Jezebel: “Indeed, Hasselbeck has argued on-air that adulterers can’t be good parents, that the morning-after pill is tantamount to abortion, and that, ‘especially in a time of war’ (one of her favorite phrases), torture is necessary. She has brushed off U.S. casualties of the Iraq war as “unfortunate,” while noting the U.S. has an all-volunteer Army …. She has used the nonexistent word ‘desperacy’ more than once.”
5. Spencer Pratt/Heidi Montag – even individually they deserve places on this list. Bigger, more annoying famewhores might not exist on this planet, and, of course, we can blame reality television (fucking MTV) for giving these two douches a platform. They are married, but split up early on as a publicity stunt. He changed his name to “King Spencer Pratt.” She claims to be addicted to plastic surgery and wants to reverse some of the stupid shit she’s done to herself. He drives a monster truck and is too stupid to put mudflaps on it. She tried a recording career, with horrible results. Admit it – you hate yourself for even knowing who they are.
4. Silvio Berlusconi – he fucks underage women, allegedly. He appoints hot women to government positions because they’re … hot and will follow his instructions. He owns practically every Italian media outlet and uses them to maintain his hold on power. He maintains membership in a “renegade neo-fascist Masonic lodge.” He described President Obama as “tanned.” The “bunga bunga” trial that starts this week is for fucking then-underage Moroccan stripper Ruby the Heart Stealer and getting her sprung from jail after an arrest. But even without this latest scandal this guy is seriously embarrassing – from The Guardian: “Prosecutors lifted the lid on a harem of women who were handed flats, cars and envelopes of cash in return for showing up at Berlusconi’s parties dressed as police officers, nurses, football players and Father Christmas. It is alleged that the women would strip off to win a chance of spending a night alone with Berlusconi.” And you’ll admit: Silvio is no slouch – he manages to annoy people on other continents.
3. Tom Friedman – is possibly the worst pundit masquerading as a liberal out there. He famously supported the Iraq War, sounding like a schoolyard bully when he said we needed to tell some Middle Eastern country to “suck on this” – didn’t matter which country. Most of his ideas about the world are simple and simply wrong. Somehow, he managed to win 3 Pulitzer Prizes, and that pretty much tells you about the utility of that award. His New York Times column is at once facile and ridiculous. For instance: he confessed that he supported the Central American Free Trade Agreement merely because it had the words ‘free trade’ in the title. Serious scholarship indeed.
2. Rudolph Giuliani – a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, he was running around New York City trying to shut down art exhibits he didn’t like. But now he’s a national problem – making millions off the fact that he happened to be mayor of NYC when the planes hit the towers, running for national office, saying incredibly stupid (and demonstrably false) shit on TV, consorting with criminals. Even his voice is annoying. His wife is annoying. His kids hate him. The overall package would propel him to the top spot if our next entrant didn’t exist. But, sadly for Rudy, she does.
1. Gwyneth Paltrow – sure, like you didn’t see that coming. She can’t act. She can’t sing. Yet, somehow, this daughter of a C-list actress is famous, this despite starring in what is mostly a string of barely watchable movies. Inexplicably, she won an Oscar for ruining Shakespeare in Love. In 2001 she posed nude, then claimed Bazaar magazine tricked her. She is married to a member of the band Coldplay (who have committed their own crimes against humanity). In fact, not only is she famous, she thinks she’s important enough to tell you how to live your life. Her blog, GOOP, is an exercise in self love. From amiannoying.com:
- Although an American, many think she is British. Even, reporters wrongly identified her as the English actress that was engaged to Brad Pitt.
She was voted Movieline’s ‘Most Stuck-up’ actress (1998).
She has a shoulder tattoo.
She gave her boyfriend, Ben Affleck, a $21,000 watch for his birthday.
She claimed she was ‘tricked’ into posing nude for Bazaar Magazine (2001).
She follows a strict macrobiotic diet, which prohibits alcohol, yet she appeared in Martini & Rossi liquor ads outside the United States (2002).
She gave her daughter a fruity name, Apple (May 14, 2004).
Named her son Moses (April 9, 2006).
So Gwyneth Paltrow is the most annoying person on the planet. Have any nominations of your own? Put ‘em in the comments.