Play Liszt Again, Sam

Call it Fate, call it Karma, call it Phil Knight Crapping Millions Upon the Innocent Citizens of Eugene, but somehow the University of Oregon Webfoots have finagled their way into a national football championship, which leaves us bewildered to host this Incredibly Awkward BCS Open Thread/Duck Season-Rabbit Season Recital. If you see any Tiny Green Fingers in crowd shots, we take no personal responsibility — they must be recycled from last year.


When did Musberger grow old? I haven’t been paying attention.

@nojo: I have it on ESPN radio for an hour, then am taking my lovely wife out for our anniversary.

@Dodgerblue: I’m only here out of some misguided sense of duty.

Blimp shots over a domed stadium don’t quite work.

I have no idea what these announcers are chattering about. Where’s Benedick to translate for us?

@nojo: Brent Musberger has been old since the day he was born.

Not complete grasp of moment on some fans during moment of silence there. Poor.

When you run it with audio of Charlie Brown’s teacher, it all makes sense.

“Nissan Pregame Shit”. Wait, what?

First Oragones of the night. I can hear the rage a thousand miles south.

@nojo: Right and even if you have good aim and you get to piss out the window of the dirigible it will only hit the roof. Basically completely defeats the purpose of a dirigible ride over a stadium.

@nojo: Somebody forgot to tell the ref it’s two syllables, not three.

Department of Fashion: What the HAYELL are those unfortunate fluorescent glow-in-the-dark socks and cleats on the Ducks? What was Phil Knight and Nike smoking?

Oh yeah, Auburn’s already faking an injury to slow down the U of O offense.

@nojo: Even newby Oregonians Mr Cyn and I were screaming at the teevee laptop streaming game. How long till we get a WillaMETTE?

@SanFranLefty: They got where they are today by blinding their opponents with their hideous, eye-searing uniforms.

@Mistress Cynica: It really does sound like fingernails on a chalkboard to a native.

Wow, these are like the Ducks of my youth! Go Chokes!

@FlyingChainSaw: TJ/ Hey — I loaded a picture that I think should be our group pic. We won’t be big time until we have a pic for our group.

@nojo: It’s “Ore-gun,” right?

Beautiful parking lot, Phoenix.

Current temperature in Eugene: 34. Subtract 10 degrees for the game-chill factor.

What are you people up to, anyway? Yeesh.

I’m gonna be over here smelling the flowers.

@Mistress Cynica: @SanFranLefty: Goofy colors like international safety yellow can work for field uniforms – but often they’re designed specifically to look nice for night time exhibition:

Seneca looked strange during daylight prelims but if they made finals and performed under stadium lights, it kinda worked.

With all due respect, Oregonians should never wear bikinis.

@JNOV: I saw. A truly demonic image! Thankest!

@JNOV: The correct spelling is actually Orygun. But, you gotta admit that Lt. Col. Slade’s mispronounciation of OreGON in Scent of a Woman is OK because his soul is intact. It’s non-negotiable!

[ADD: Oh hey, look, somebody decided to score. Grudgingly.]

Settling for field goals builds character in young Eugene fans.

BTW: That first quarter was so drab, I decided to cook up a Glenn Beck post for halftime. Better than Up With People (who, notably, canceled on Beck’s Restoring Honor rally when they heard that they were being passed over for an award, in favor of Albert Pujols).

Our mascot is a Disney-licensed character. Is your mascot a Disney-licensed character? No. No, it is not.


Best wishes to Mr and Mrs Dodgerblue on their anniversary.

Hey: did somebody put axle grease on the turf? That only works, as a concept, in Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Incidentally, when I die, I want to be reincarnated as Mayhem.

@chicago bureau: The commercial dude? ETA: With the bandaids and such? “I am a deer…” If so, I’m with you.

@FlyingChainSaw: RIGHT?!

Okay, I’m going back to finishing school with Buk.

AUB 7:3 ORE. (Oh, and does anyone else get the irony of the BCS Championship being played in a stadium sponsored by a learn-at-home college?)

@JNOV: Messing up shit for cheap suburbanites? Screw heaven — that’s what I want.

Well, there goes that chance to snark about Duck kickoff returns.

Is there extra wax on the carpet tonight? Seems like everyone’s slipping.

ESPN announcers were chiding Chip Kelly for getting too cute with play selection. Then the Ducks make a 90-yard play. Then they make a 2-point conversion. ESPN announcers find something else to talk about.

Real Men Don’t Blow Fourth & Goal.

Whad I say? Dux go hard chargin. Woo hoo. Yay Dux. Boo yah.

@nojo: Or allow a safety — unless you pass it backward to an interior offensive lineman, in which case it is AWESOME.

Fuck. I should go read and write some briefs, draft a complaint for declaratory and injunctive relief, and try to do a little contract drafting.

Defense calls a time-out. This game is weird.

Hurbstreet & Musburger sounds like a law firm or a Catskills act.

@redmanlaw: I’m being reminded why I generally don’t care for this shit. That, plus pointless four-second coach soundbites.

@nojo: My mascot is a TREE! And a bull! Fuck the Disney hegemony!

Mr. SFL (U of O, ’94) is about to have a stroke. I keep saying “They’re a second half team, baby.”

BTW – how did that Auburn player get away with kicking the Oregon player in the face and the ‘nads?

@SanFranLefty: Actually, the athletic department created “The Duck” to get around the Donald Problem.

@nojo: At the end of the day, your school’s mascot is a waterfowl running around in a shirt and no pants.

Imprimatur of The Mouse doesn’t help THAT.

@SanFranLefty: I’m tired and I have a tribal constitutional crisis to deal with. Hitting the road again tomorrow, Mrs RML’s BD. I’ll give her her present in a bit. Gonna make some coffee and move it on over out of the dad chair to the office, about five feet away.

@SanFranLefty: As are half the students.

By the way, where’s that Fun Orygun Offense I keep hearing about?

@SanFranLefty: Heh. Their new mascot should be The Swoosh.

Now wait a minute: they delayed the reunion of troops with families for a couple of minutes so that Tostitos could get a plug in? I appreciate the sentiment, but: FAIL.

@JNOV: That’s the UO Knight Library’s mascot.

@chicago bureau: Um, that whole thing was like watching a car wreck.

But maybe that weird little segment will mean Middle America will realize that 90% of our troops are black and brown, at least judging from the troops who were flown in to PHX from Iraq for that awkward photo op. How much time do they get in the US before they’re flown back to have brown people shoot at them?

Oh, and I hear you on the irony of the game being played at the University of Phoenix Stadium. W.T.F.

@SanFranLefty: I mean, yeah, the Defense Department you brought the troops home. Yea, you. But do you have to do a “hey, Tostitos is proud to support troops” blurb while the families are waiting right there? Unless they did a “hey, try to look totally surprised and emotional” pre-event get-together with the family members, that sort of thing is beyond cruel. (And even the alternative — dramatic re-staging — is horrible too.)

I’m getting bored. Is Cartoon Network counterprogramming a Road Runner-Coyote Bowl?

@nojo: Do not know to what you just referred. I switched over to Jon Stewart. Downbeat, no joking around (except for Jon Oliver in panda PJs called on for fake liveshot) monologue with some hopeful notes. Appropriate under circumstances.

@chicago bureau: Mr. SFL is switching to Star Trek on Syfy.

@chicago bureau: @SanFranLefty: MSNBC posts show video podcasts accessible with Apple TV, so I’m going there after this farce is over.

Hey! Who won the Sport thing? Dux!! Woo hoo!!

Or was there rain and damp sandwiches. And a sense of loss in the communal shower and the feeling of inching towards mortality. And loss. Though of what it’s hard to say. One’s thighs are still rock hard in the spandex pants. And the jock still fits real snug. I really need the jumbo.

Think! Remember the game! Crushing the Tigers. Looking past the fug of testosterone and sweat in the huddle to the crowd in the stands. Hey Orygun! So much hope and despair! Hey and lookit! That fan up there in a weird kind of Gilligan hat. What kind of life could he have? He’s most likely some poor loser living off Doritos in his mom’s basement. But that’s OK. I catch his eye and bring him with me as I slam through the defense and, blind with pain, run down the line. And for one brief shining moment Gilligan’s down here on the field with me as I score, he’s here with us all: the immortals, the Dux, the kings.

While we’re inexplicably seeing this through to the bitter end, let’s check in with TMZ…

TMZ has obtained photos of Charlie Sheen at The Palms hotel in Las Vegas taken less than an hour ago — moments after the actor pounded a shot of vodka — and there is “deep concern” for his well-being.

I love how gossip sites express concern.

@Benedick: I think that tonight’s winner is Eugene. Not that they know it.

@nojo: The color neon yellow is tonight’s winner.

IronyWatch: Delay of game penalty against Oregon.

That was a GREAT defensive play by the Ducks there. That unsportsmanlike call was beyond curious, but it’s GAME ON!

Boy — the clock management on this goal line stand has been horrendous. They try to hurry-up, no huddle, but then they audible which requires telling each lineman, individually, what the play is. Forced a timeout they sorely needed to hold on to. Poor by the Ducks there.

Well, it’s a touchdown for James and the Ducks — and the two point conversion is…. GOOD! TIE GAME — AUB 19:19 ORE

Glad I didn’t tune out yet…

ESPN announcer: They need to throw for a TD. Ducks run, score.

Oh you gotta be shitting me. Dyer for Auburn was stopped, but his knee didn’t touch the ground and he runs for another 30 yards. YOU GOTTA BE SHITTING ME.

@chicago bureau: I thought you didn’t stop playing until you hear whistles. No whistles on the faux tackle. No knee on the ground, either.

That’s how this game ends? On a busted tackle where Dyer was all-but down by contact at midfield and he runs into field goal range, and then a touchdown run? Ma Bureau (U of O alum) must be pitching a fit.

I will allow that even an ugly game that comes down to the last ten seconds is a good game.

@nojo: Precisely right. But still — what a horrendous end to the game, at least from Oregon’s perspective.

No touchdown, though. So the field goal unit is on.

(Incidentally — the Auburn band playing the Battle Hymn of the Republic? Aren’t they supposed to not do that, being Southern and all? Down the rabbit hole, this is.)

@chicago bureau: “We’re gonna hang Jeff Davis from a sour apple tree” = the original crosshairs map?

FINAL — AUB 22:19 ORE. On many levels, a totally unsatisfying result.

I’m happy. A loss, but not a national enbarrassment.

@nojo: Frankly, I forget. See, she spent a year at Eugene and then transferred to Portland, before it became OHSU, to get her RN.

Chizik: “God was with us.”

Nojo: “Fuck you, sir.”

“Cam was worth every cent we paid his dad.”

Clearly, God hates Eugene. Admittedly, the feeling is mutual.

And Cam Newton thanks Baby Jesus. See, I didn’t realize that He sits on the NCAA Infractions Committee. Now I know. You learn something every day.

It’s like the US losing to the USSR during the Cold War.

Well, besides, you can’t find All the Tostitos at the granola store.

Bonus: For yet another year, you get to listen to every SEC fan in the nation gloat about being the best and the toughest football conference.

Just checked the tape. That space between knee and turf? God was holding it up.

God bet +2 on Auburn, had to take drastic measures.

@Mistress Cynica: Yeah. That might be the worst part of this. One actual, honest-to-God school (Vandy) and eleven finishing schools for Southern wankers.

@chicago bureau: You mean Cam Newton, the date-rapist, laptop-stealing, girlfriend-beating, illiterate, corrupt, my-daddy-will-now-take-$400-grand, ass-fuck?

Yes, I’m still bitter about him beating Andrew Luck for the Heisman.

And yes, as I pointed out multiple times tonight to My Favorite Duck, the Tree played hella better in the Orange Bowl last week than either Ducks or Auburn did tonight.

and as Mistress Cynica pointed out, get ready for yet another season of insufferable SEC fans. Because they weren’t annoying enough last year after Alabama illegally speared UT’s Colt McCoy in the soft tissue of the shoulder.

Fucking redneck inbred crackers. Throwing toilet paper in the air because apparently it’s a recent arrival to Ala-fucking-bama.

Did I mention I’m bitter about Cam Newton getting the Heisman?

And Newton’s daddy counts the munnies from Crimson Tide.

Really? A fucking Disney character lost to a mascot that sounds like a heavy menstrual cycle?

/gah! off to watch South Park reruns…

Oh, shit. Now I have to deal with a lot of depressed clients tomorrow.

@FlyingChainSaw: Sorry babe, but I’m not cool with “snow-n—-r” which seems to be every other post there.

@FlyingChainSaw: I have to strongly object to the tone of that page during our national time of healing. Soon as I’m done giggling like a hyena at the graphic.

@SanFranLefty: Snow what? I am on the Palin is Great discussion boards and this dropped from the accident. Best political poster I have seen in a long while.

They got to make one for Rush and Hannity, too.

@nojo: The picture is what it’s all about. I have to dig out the URL of the picture.

@FlyingChainSaw: Here’s the large size. But no telling where they got it, or how long it’ll stay up until Facebook yanks it.

And I’m gonna have to get very hypocritical: I don’t want to see it here, unless the post that accompanies it lives up to the highest Swiftian standards.* If I have to deal with the fallout, I wanna make sure it’s something I can defend.

*Or National Lampoon standards, if you know what I mean.

@FlyingChainSaw: Oh, you can have fun. But it has to be serious fun. The more apocalyptic the vulgarity, the more solid the justification needed.

@FlyingChainSaw: A comprehensive list, with citations, of Palin’s violent rhetoric, for example. That’s something I’d run the graphic with, but without editorial embellishment — let her do all the talking.

But that’s me, and I’m very dry. How you might do it, in trademark fashion, is something beyond my ability.

To take the case at hand…

I hate it when I wake up and Sarah Palin is still alive

Sarah Palin: one of the most incompetent stupidest political idols of all time.

Not good enough to justify the image. I would have gone with one of the endless Stupid Sarah photos out there to illustrate. And even the description doesn’t justify the title — which should be wonderfully dark, played right. Instead, it’s just a circle-jerk of Palin Hate, and that’s not nearly as much fun as it could be.

There’s also an angle to be played comparing all the fretting over Violent Rhetoric in America with the actual violence America wreaks on the world. We’re all shrieking with our skirts up while our drones destroy innocent lives half a world away.

Oh, fuck, the culture is suffused with genocidal rage. Ike, hear our prayers!

@nojo: Lemme sleep on it. The picture is the real Sarah, the twisted, empty monster of Will to Power, eating itself from the self-hatred of losing the chance to lead America to Apocalypse, to Rapture. . .

@nojo: Her eyes are not unlike those of the Tucson shooter in their self-confident craziness.

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