Are We Selling Out Yet?

There’s been some rumbling among the cadres that our Unicorn is turning into a Pinhead, and while we tend to be lenient about electoral politics, we’re not immune to deal-breakers. We don’t mind the “flip-flops” we’ve seen in the major media — campaign funding? really? — but the Stinque proles insist that we pay attention to substantive issues. Freaks.

So, let’s have a look.

OMG! Fundies!

You would think the Stupid Fucking Office of Fucking Jesus would be one of the first atrocities to be dispatched under a Unicorn Administration. And you would be wrong. No, he wants to expand it, going all Liberation Theology with social programs and stuff. Of course, any programs would be Closely Monitored for proselytizing. And of course, any money received for Good Works frees up money for Black Ops. Look for some fun scandals starting in 2011.

The iLives of Others

This one has become such an internecine pissing match, we prefer to stand back until the hazmat team mops up the room. The crux of the matter is whether AT&T can be sued for channeling all its Internet traffic through the NSA’s Big Brother machine — oh, and whether the Fourth Amendment has been rendered quaint by current events. Unicorn is promising a “thorough review by the Inspectors General” — strongly worded letters! — but our favorite passages in the Federalist Papers discuss the wisdom of not taking the benevolence of authority for granted.

Grab Your Flintlocks

The Second Amendment is the Third Rail of Stinque Re-education Sessions, and the hazmat team can handle only one mess at a time. Unicorn advises us to “act responsibly”, and we’ll be sure to have a Designated Shooter at our next bar brawl. But let’s be honest:

The Amendment’s prefatory clause announces a purpose, but does not limit or expand the scope of the second part, the operative clause… Like most rights, the Second Amendment right is not unlimited. It is not a right to keep and carry any weapon whatsoever in any manner whatsoever and for whatever purpose.

And now that we’re forced to agree with Scalia, J., we expect shortly our first sighting of flying pigs.

Yet Another Shill for Corporate America

STFU, Ralph. The Corvair was forty years ago.

Our conclusion? Look at the alternative. We’ve been expecting Unicorn to trim a few sails sooner or later, and while we may yet be obligated to include a signing statement with our November ballot, we’ve had far worse arguments with our in-laws.