Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex (But Were Afraid to Ask Spike)

Oh dear fucking god no.

Bwahahaha!

“Firsht of all, I shay SHTOP anonomuyth!”

Poor dear Spike. Won’t he be tempted by all his You-Tube groupies to do something inappropriate? What will his pastor think?

I’m too scared to clique “play.” Can we send a rescue chopper in for Cheryl?

Several things:

– he’s doing the Fat Girl Angle Shot wrong

– I’d assume that whatever that crap on his face is that he’s trying to pass off as a beard will be all the contraception HE’LL ever need

– if /b/ finds this guy, it will be EPIC.

@al2o3cr: I don’t troll /b/, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re already on to him. Spike has become a phenomenon, and we’re only scratching the surface here.

And how soon before Tosh catches up?

@nojo: Ahem. Tosh is high class. Ahem. There will be no Spike on Tosh. Mebbe Sherryl (sp? fuck it.)

OH! This is really awesome! Who has a link to his FB so I can ask him some questions?

ADD: And it totally froze at 1:00, and I’m upset. Figure the odds. Bow-tie Spike dancing in his drawers has done more for sexual purity than anyone on Earth.

@JNOV: Oh, you know they’re already arranging tix from Minnesota for a web redemption.

@nojo: Derp. I submitted the first video to Tosh before you went on your Spike bender. Damn.

@nojo: You know it! It’ll be worth it just to see Tosh in his blue tidies. He likes to get naked more often than Pontius. Well, I guess Pontius would rather wear a leopard print thong…

Oh my stars! People are asking this kid for advice? About sex?!

They’d probably be better off asking Cheryl.

@JNOV: Can I help with the questions. Here’s one. I am a married woman having an affair with a priest who can only orgasm while fucking on the altar of a burning church. Yes, we’re church arsonists and adulterers but evil makes us cumm so fucking hard, Spike, what the fuck can we do?

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ:

Maybe the 4Chan people can bust Cheryl outta Oz.

@FlyingChainSaw: You always cumm through, FCS.

WAIT! On YouTube, he has his occupation listed as: “Professional Choreographer.” I shit you not.

ADD: And there’s this gem: “Books: I don’t like to read”

ADDD: And he’s totally interested in science. Oh, man. I’m going to ask him about Stephen Hawking.

@JNOV:

So much for getting him Bob Fosse’s biography as a birthday gift.

@¡Andrew!: YES! Dude, I am SO going to put up a video response on his page. Remember this guy? I LOVE HIM!

Okay. I’m fucking SOLD! Karen Marie, Nojo, everyone I’ve bitched out about this guy: I AM SO SORRY!

He just told me that I do NOT have to do The Macarena to the song, The Macarena! I had no idea! I am now about to watch him do The Macarena. I’m hoping to see him do The Chicken Dance, and maybe I’ll meringue for him…

Okay — we need a list of questions.

We’ve got FCS’s.

We’ll ask him what he thinks of Fosse and link him to that awesome guy.

I’m going to ask him what he thinks about anal beads — can you share?

More, please…

BWAHAHAHAHA! The Lion Sleeps Tonight, or whatever the fuck it’s called, is a “traditional African song”? Really?

ADD: AND IT’S BY THE TOKENS! Oh!

OMG! I am ROLLING! And crying and stuff. I can’t believe this!

He’s totally from Lake Woebegone.

@JNOV: I will give you a dollar if you ask him about the burning church fetish.

@FlyingChainSaw: Oh, I will. I already sent him a friend request on FB.

@FlyingChainSaw: Can you email me that horrific demon skull fucks Jesus on the cross graphic you used?

@JNOV: You are my hero!

Oh this poor sad ignorant boy. Now I feel bad. I could laugh when he was dancing but this is just too sad. All I can think of is the lifetime of fatness and inappropriate touching that lies before him. Not even Sherryl can save him.

@Benedick: When I watched the Macarena Instructional Video Set to Authentic African Music, I started to think this guy’s a little off. I mean, like maybe a little developmentally delayed. It made me question whether I should poke him with a stick. For a nanosecond. I’m over it.

There’s no noise in Illinois…

OH! People in love DON’T HAVE SEX! Well, that’s my problem. I’m in love.

@JNOV: OK, sent the satan portrait. You going to use it when you ask him about the burning church fetish?

@FlyingChainSaw: Might put it on his wall…

Spike and I are officially friends. Any surprise that he was home schooled or that he lives in his parents’ attic?

@JNOV: I know, right?! Apparently, the whole world is in love with me.

@JNOV: My love, I gotta tell you something, “Lion Sleeps Tonight” was written and first recorded by a South African Zulu resident of Soweto, and that melody, the “weee dee de weeee de de wee wow wom doo ayy,” that is a traditional african melody. The family of the original writer only recently won a lawsuit giving them the rights to the royalties from the Tokens and all the many many recorded versions. True story, its fucking amazing.

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Why do you get all the love in the world?

@JNOV: I am going to be so sad when Spike stops dancing for us on Youtube.

As long as questions are being asked, will someone please please please ask him about his beard?

I wasn’t sure whether he had some kind of unfortunate condition or it was purposeful until he mentioned his boss made him shave it. It was surprisingly avant-garde — looked like just random square patches.

Do I smell a fashion trend?

I tried to check in with some aficionados but, inconveniently, the facial hair types forum has been disabled “due to an overwhelming amount of SPAM!”

@Promnight: that is an amazing story. i’m glad they won their suit and are not getting their rightful royalties.

@JNOV: Please! Lemme know when you do. I’ve signed up for FB and am using it for my profile image.

@Promnight: Well, there you have it! Ten points for Gryffindor Spike! Ten deducted from Slytherin me!

I was thinking I shouldn’t give him a hard time, suspecting he has learning and comprehension issues and all (Nojo — Tosh only seems to pick on the averagely-intelligent bigots and idiots, so Spike might not make the cut. I’m telling you, Tosh has classssss). But, Prommie, now that we’ve determined that he might be of ave. intelligence, I might have to troll him. ALTHOUGH HE TYPES EVERY FB STATUS UPDATE IN ALL CAPS. I might demand his best shoes…

@TJ/ Jamie Sommers /TJ: Feel the love. Or not. Boo!

@karen marie: Yes, the beard question will be asked fer sher. And, no worries, I think Spike has a long dancing career ahead of him until his parents turn off his intertubez or kick him out of the attic or whatnot. I’ll ask him if he has facial alopecia.

@FlyingChainSaw: So I’ve seen! I got the pic; it’s most excellent, and I’ll work it in in such a way as to not get myself unfriended/blocked/banned/sued. I have to think on it some, but I’ll be sure to post the link once I do it. You need to talk to Nojo, Flippin’, Lefty about getting an invite to the sandbox now that you’ve joined FB hell.

ADD: Karen Marie–do you remember when he mentioned the beard thing? I’ve only seen two of his videos in full.

@JNOV: Spike mentions his boss and the beard @ one minute 56 seconds in his Puala Abdul video.

What do you suppose he does for work?

@karen marie: OMG! Okay. I’ve only seen the first 18 seconds of Puala, and I want to ask him if that’s a hickie on his left shoulder and whether he equates Puala and Pudendum. Henceforth, any and all behavior I engage in fall squarely on your heads, KM, Nojo, FCS, etc. I have preemptively absolved myself of any wrongdoing. Dr. Frankensteins, the lot of youse!

ADD: DUDE! He’s a Professional Choreographer! But I’ll ask him that, too.

New pic of Spike in the sandbox.

TJ/ I’m having issues linking posts from here to FB. Like, all day. Don’t know what’s borked, but I just wanted to let the Head Hamster know.

@JNOV: Head Hamster has no control over the Facebook Link Contraption, which borks more often than he prefers to contemplate. Head Hamster hopes an extended scene is devoted to the issue in the movie.

@nojo: May I have top billing?

ADD: I’ll just stop using the button, and I’ll cut and paste the URL.

@JNOV: Same issue: Using the button is the same as pasting the URL into a Facebook link form. What follows is entirely up to Facebook, and some days their system just isn’t in the mood.

@nojo: When I push the button, I get a blank FB page that gets stuck and doesn’t open the link. When the button works, the page closes on its own once the link is posted to my page. ADD: I don’t have to have a tab open on FB, and it gives me the option to go to my profile.

BUT if I’m already on my wall or news feed and I plug in the URL to the page here, or if I share it from Stinque’s FB page or from Stinque’s links in the news feed, the link to here uploads immediately.

There’s an extra FB step/page when I use the button, if that makes sense. It’s just easier to C&P the URL on FB itself.

The Stinque Fishing report: I used to be pretty good at fly fishing New Mexico’s San Juan River since I first went there about 20 years ago, but yesterday just sucked. After a couple of Orvis guides checked out my gear in the parking lot (they were intrigued by the premium lo-viz brown line I picked up in at my local fly shop), I headed confidently to my favorite side channel. It wasn’t there. The dam outflow had been cranked down so low that only the main channel of the river was full.

I got there and saw some poor souls flogging away with tiny flies about the size of a capital “J” on the page. Tried to do the same with the hot flies I picked up at a couple of shops in exchange for information. Nothing worked. Went upstream to fish rougher water (to mask my ineptitude, and because riffles are food factories). Skunked again. Fell in the water. The swift current, 50 degree water and slimy rocks made me feel old, cold and slow.

I think I have that place out of my system for a while, which is a good thing because I think about it a lot. The 1/2 trip day was tacked on to business travel to see a potential new client, so I was out only the motel, a few flies and one extra night away from home.

Saw a few heron, nutria (like beavers except with a skinny tail). Two parking lots now have oil or gas wells. The energy industry in on the move there. Lots of trucks moving around. Good for NM since we get a lot of state government income from severance taxes when oil and gas are taken out of the ground.

@JNOV: It’s working from here in Safari and Firefox, so I can’t say what the issue is.

@nojo: No worries. I’m Firefox. Didn’t try Safari. I think sometimes FB’s overloaded with button clicking people. Meh. There are always work arounds.

@redmanlaw: Nutria? Get the fuck outta here! I hear they taste pretty good. ADD: I dig their orange teef.

I posted a pic on your FB wall just. for. you.

::sigh:: This is why I’m conflicted about Spike:

Spike Kinsey WOW MY DAD IS TAKING ME CAMPING TONIGHT AND TOMORROW NIGHT! GOTTA GO! TALK TO YOU ON MONDAY!

@karen marie: the fb page says “night crew at Target” but I don’t know if that means he dances there or stocks shelves.

Or maybe he dances while stocking shelves.

@al2o3cr: That’s not the wrong angle, it’s his erect-dick cam.

@JNOV: Ask him about the burning church fetish. Think of it this way. There is someone out there with exactly that fetish and they could use Spike’s wisdom on the subject and could possibly happen his response and be cured of this madness.