Supply, Demand

Last week, a counterfeit document purporting to be Obama’s Kenyan birth certificate made the rounds of the Internet, but was quickly determined to be fraudulent. The new document released by Taitz bears none of the obvious traits of a hoax.

Per the notary stamp that appears directly next to that line of text in the WND article, obviously.

The funny thing is, this was actually presented to a Court. A real one. With judges and rules and stuff.

Specifically: this was attached to a motion in a lawsuit filed by Taitz entitled (oh dear) Ambassador Alan Keyes PhD et al v. Barack Hussein Obama, et al, in U.S. District Court for the Central District of California.

The news here is that (a) apparently Alan Keyes has changed his first name to “Ambassador,” (b) according to the docket sheet, it appears that Ms. Taitz learned civil procedure from a textbook that was not so much as a textbook, as it was a cocktail napkin, and (c) she has brought this action in federal court — which, it seems, has bent over backwards not to (i) hurt itself laughing and (ii) dismiss the case for want of… anything, really.

Beyond the fact that she can’t seem to get a handle on serving the government with a summons, she filed this — at 10pm on a Saturday night, it must be said. (Warning: linque leads to website of people who have a Level C-3 case of crazy.)

This part is hilarious:

FIRST, Plaintiffs pray that this court authorize Plaintiffs to issue a special subpoena for deposition duces tecum to Secretary HILLARY RODHAM CLINTON be cited to appear within 21 days pursuant to (or in the letter and spirit of) Rule 27 of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure (even though this action has been filed and served, many months will pass before the Rule 26(f) Conference can be held to plan for discovery among the parties). The purpose of Rule 27, even though designed for pre-filing discovery, is fulfilled and relevant here, in that some (above-noted) hearsay evidence exists that an individual involved in the examination of passport files at the United States Department of State relating to and involving certain 2008 Presidential candidates may have been killed in relation to such inquiry. Last year it was announced by former secretary of State Candoleeza Rice that there was tampering with the passport records of three major presidential candidates and it was investigated by the inspector general. Lt. Querl Harris was one of the suspects in passport tampering scandal. Washington post has announced that he was cooperating with the FBI and shortly thereafter he was found dead, shot in the head, sitting in his parked car. This case remains open and unresolved. Under such circumstances, “perpetuation of evidence” becomes a more and more significant and time-sensitive issue.

Oh, honey. No.

In the parlance of our times: this is not Nam. This is a lawsuit. There are rules. Whenever somebody says “letter and spirit of the rules,” you can best believe that the letter of the rules is telling that person, “oh hell no.”

And that is true here — Rule 27 is designed to allow discovery (a) prior to the filing of a lawsuit, or (b) pending appeal. This is extraordinary relief, which a Court must approve. Rule 27 exists to provide relief when a lawsuit is not pending.

When a lawsuit is pending, you do not need the Court to order discovery. All you have to do is (crayons ready, Ms. Taitz? Good!) meet and confer with the other side. That would be Rule 26(f). This involves (a) an attorney purchasing, and learning to use, a telephone, and (b) calling the opposing attorney to discuss settlement and discovery planning. Which obviously she has not done yet, because she apparently just got a handle on serving summonses.

(To be fair: I would suppose that she has called the AUSA who, on a dare, took this case, and that he or she has not returned the call. I can only imagine why.)

There is more crazy here, of course. As in, “secretary of State Candoleeza Rice,” for example. And “Lt. Querl Harris.” I may have missed something here, but I think I would have remembered a name like Querl. And openly admitting that your motion is based on an attempt to prove up hearsay evidence. But it would take me all night to unpack it all.

Anyway — the government should just go ahead and give her notice under Rule 11 (sanctions for horrible lawyering) on her sorry ass. And it should do so right freaking now. Why? Well, before seeking sanctions, you have to give the other side 21 days notice by (this gets hard) serving the other side with papers, by mailing them to the other side’s attorney. Which presents a problem for our friend Orly:

Although the urgency of this request cannot be overstated, 21 days is the normal time for service of such a request as this under Rule 27 of the Federal Rules, and the undersigned counsel reminds the Court that she will be out of the United States from August 2, 2009, to August 24, 2009.

Go ahead, pranked AUSA who was stuck with this moron by some higher-up who hates you. Loosen up your sneaky muscles and serve this twit with a Rule 11 motion. THIS MUST HAPPEN.

@chicago bureau: Gad, I hope she didn’t learn dentistry from the same self-help book.

But since we must (or just because it’s fun), here’s a practical refutation from Below The Beltway, via Sully.

Key point: the paper they’re using says “Republic of Kenya”. But when this “certified copy” was issued — supposedly in 1964 — it was the Dominion of Kenya.

Lesson: When you pick up that blank form pad in the dumpster, careful what you do with it.

Yeah, let’s go ahead and remove Barack Obama based on a wholly uncorroborated, easily forged, un-traceable document. Last time we acted on similar information it all went so well for us.

@chicago bureau: This is great. Do a ‘Judge Must Rule 11 Birther Bimbo Taitz – Now!’ Post and we’ll get a note over to Mike Finn’s replacement and it will go viral. Nice stuff. Takes a shit on their face from an angle they didn’t know existed.

@chicago bureau: This box was on Colbert the other night. I was frantically trying to look her up on the California State Bar directory of attorneys.

And I found her. Am I an elitist bitch (I don’t care if the answer is yes) for pointing out that this IMMIGRANT BOX is the bane of all California State Bar members – one of those morons who studied at a non ABA-accredited law school (in this case, the illustrious William Howard Taft University Law School of Santa Ana). What? You haven’t heard of this institution of higher learning in the O.C.?

Can I use the c-word yet instead of “box,” which admittedly, box is the favorite derogatory term of my gheyz here in EssEff?

This makes me smile and be less afraid. This is the legal equivalent of 3 dozen South Carolina Klansmen trying to take over the local federal courthouse in Beaufort and issue a declaration of Secession, and calling on patriots everywhere to rise up and depose the negro (I mention the federal courthouse in Beaufort because I have seen it, and it is so cute, and its smaller than my house, so a few dozen Klansmen could probably take it over, and there are probably more than a few dozen klansmen nearby, who could easily be incited to try).

But this is all good, because thats the best thing that could happen. You see, this festering, insane hate amongst the racists and paultards, united in their blind, bull sees red flag, hate of, respectively, blacks, and “socialism,” as they call it, this growing subculture of idiocy, it can go 2 ways.

It can continue to gain legitimacy, with the media willing to air and give credence to continually elevated rhetoric about muslim un-american Kenya-churian candidate black Obama, and the terrors of evil commie socialism, and it could grow, to enthuse more than just Limbaugh’s listeners, as it is seen as more and more legitimate. And in that event, we would see, well, a replay of Hitler and the mid 1930s.

Or, the second alternative, various groups affiliated with this craziness can do random, batshit crazy things, and discredit the whole belief system, make it a laughingstock, and you know, that truly is when a meme loses its power, when people start laughing at it.

Well, a stupid idiotic retarded attempt at armed insurrection, that would be hilarious, I actually thought it would happen, soon after the inaugeration, but it seems these things take longer to simmer to fruition.

But this is, truly, the legal equivalent, and its a good thing, for being so stupid.

@SanFranLefty: Okay, now I’m curious — there’s a “Thomas Jefferson School of Law” just down the street from me. Righteous or Ridiculous?

@Serolf Divad:
But but but but but it WAS real!!!!!!!!

Ed Wood could never top the birthers. Plan 9 made more sense. Alien vampires controlling zombies to take over the world sounds less stupid than a bunch of inbreds taking some poster board and crayons and forging a Kenyan Birth Certificate.

Note to WND. Kenya WASN’T AN INDEPENDENT NATION TILL Dec 1963!!!!!! Almost two years AFTER Barry’s birth!

@Promnight: Whatever patina of legitimacy it had, it lost a week ago after it first went national, and was disposed of promptly. Hell, even Cantor’s blaming libtards for even bringing it up.

None of this stops the birthers, of course. Just makes the show that much more entertaining.

@ManchuCandidate: You’re right, and I missed the implication of my own graphic: the 2009 GOP isn’t led by Rush Limbaugh, but Ed Wood.

Now it all makes sense.

nojo: “Thomas Jefferson School of Law” just down the street from me. Righteous or Ridiculous?

Less ridiculous than it used to be. But still rather ridiculous.

Back in 1999, when I was applying to law schools, these clowns sent me about five or six direct mail pieces a month. As they were not ABA certified at the time, the school was, verifiably, a total joke. Now? They’ve got the seal of approval, and are getting a new building downtown. But definitely not first division by any stretch.

@nojo: @chicago bureau: If there were a Fifth Tier of law schools (if you spend more than 5 minutes on David Lat’s Above the Law blog you will understand this), Thomas Jefferson School of Law (San Diego County) would be fighting with William Howard Taft School of Law (Orange County) and John F. Kennedy School of Law (Contra Costa County) for biggest waste of $45,000/year in federally-guaranteed loans. When the law school lists the 5 graduates who passed the California State Bar in July of a given year, that’s a sign that it sucks.

Someday, I will run for the Board of Governors or whatever the fuck they call it for the State Bar of California, and the first thing I will do is ban these fly-by-night law schools that make ITT Tech and University of Phoenix look like Harvard in comparison because the State Bar has such lax laws on who can take the bar exam. And when you read the disbarment/suspension section of the monthly state bar journal, guess which schools’ graduates are getting disbarred. Hint: it’s not the alma mata (maters?) of Dodger, JNOV, Lefty, et al.

At this point, Mr. SFL could take the bar exam because he has studied under me (so to speak) for 9 years and it’s just a matter of mastering BarBri to get that State Bar number.

SanFranLefty: A review of the Taft website shows that they are a “distance learning” law school. There is a place for such things. Like, for example, Guam.

Elsewhere, someone has noted that the Kenyan serial number — 47,044 — translates to a very sly forger joke: 47 years old-Obama-44th Prez.

I will not grant that stand-alone night law schools are uniformly awful. There’s John Marshall Law School here in town, which has been around since 1889. (That predates Stanford by two years.) It appears that there is some honest-to-God education going on there. Two of the justices on the Illinois Supreme Court are alumni. Not bad.

So, insofar as T.J. School of Law in Sandy Eggo is concerned, you could check back in forty or fifty years or so and see if they’ve gotten any better. Maybe they will. Maybe not. On this evidence, though, it looks like Taft is beyond help.

nojo: Bravo Zulu, nameless debunker! Stinque Medal of Merit with Anal Pear Cluster to whoever that guy/gal is!

@chicago bureau: That was from a Scribd post of the document — I’m googling around — but this one’s even better:

The Signature of Registrar is “E.F. Lavender”. For those like me who don’t pay attention, that translates to the famous Earth Friendly Lavender line of household products.

This isn’t a forgery — it’s a joke. Literally.

It just gets fucking better…

An old Australian newspaper (The Argus) from July 13, 1915. Zoom in on “Law Clerks’ Offer.” It talks about a man named E.F. Lavender. I’m not saying it’s the same man — after all, 1915 to 1961 is a 46 year gap — though theoretically it COULD be the same man. But anyway, the point is that Australia also has ties to England as did Kenya. The British monarch is still the Australian chief of state even today. So if there was a man in Australia named E.F. Lavender, who says there couldn’t be one in Kenya?

I’m running out of Occam Disposable Razors.

nojo: Holy Perversion Of The Course Of Justice, Batman!

(But, wait. Where is Mr. Lavender’s birth certificate? WHAT PROOF DO YOU HAVE THAT HE ISN’T REAL?! WHY DO YOU WANT TO DESTROY AMERICA?!)

[EDITOR'S NOTE: I wrote that before nojo linqued to the thumper in South Dakota who has it all figured out. Sorry.]

The AUSA should ask to inspect the original of this document, as it is clearly in Taitz’s possession. (Which she will obviously flunk on. If the AUSA doesn’t manage to get Taitz into a rule to show cause situation, he or she is not trying hard enough.)

Seriously: if Orly isn’t disbarred over this, I would be stunned.

@chicago bureau: I’m waiting for WND to choke on it…

They’re from Oregon, so it’s 10:20 p.m. there. They posted the piece at 8:55 a.m. Sunday, and even the Freepers apparently gave up on it tonight after it knocked about the Web all day.

The spin, already developing: this is an attempt by Obama to undermine the credibility of his opponents.

August may be fun after all.

nojo: You aren’t kidding about freepers giving up. An acutal comment:

This document is useful in one way.

We now know that Orly Taitz is an idiot.

God. When you, as a wingnut, have been taken down by a freeper….

@chicago bureau: Maybe I should have tagged this “afterbirther” after all, since I’m using that for Birther Fallout…

The part I really love is the lengths they’re willing to go to deny the simple facts and circumstantial evidence on the record. Those contemporary Hawaii newspaper notices have to be a scam, but we’ll swallow an obvious Kenyan forgery whole.

@SanFranLefty: A few years ago, I got a phone call from the newest standalonebynight law school, asking if I wanted to teach a class in a motion practice seminar over there. I’d never heard of the teacher and the woman who called me couldn’t say how she’d gotten my name to ask me. I asked what they wanted me to teach and the lady said “anything you want.” Fabulous.

I declined because the whole thing sounded fishy. Now, however, I’m thinking it might be a pretty cush gig if I could get a paying spot over there. A few former judges and one young attorney I know and respect are teaching over there (and they got their ABA accreditation last year) so maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. I think this means I lack ambition now.

@chicago bureau: I’m not saying they are uniformly bad. For every JFK Law, there’s a John Marshall. NYC and Boston have good stand-alone night schools. But the for-profit unaccredited ones in CA are notoriously bad.

@Jamie Sommers: I aspire to mediocrity.