We do a great impression of Mr. Ed in the throes of passion — Willllll-bur! — but of course that’s our wicked imagination at work. We’d never engage in that kind of activity in real life. At least not when there are carrots at hand.

But in Florida, a plague of Gene Wilder reenactors are ignoring the local t-shirt stricture “Baaaaa means No!” and creating a dilemma for state lawmakers.

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Another day, another compassionate conservative:

MARCH 16–A Florida man wearing an “I ♥ My Marriage” t-shirt was arrested last night for allegedly choking his wife during an argument in their Tampa-area home. Bradley Gellert, a 32-year-old financial consultant, was busted by Hillsborough County Sheriff’s Office deputies and booked into jail on a felony domestic battery by strangulation charge.

Would have been funny if Joe the Plumber had been wearing a McCain t-shirt when he beat up the missus.

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Drooling fuckwit turned GOP icon and spokesman, Joe the Wife Beater, finally found a way to repulse a crowd of Republicans, usually inured to the most vile, primitive expressions of hate, rage and wanton excess. Appearing at the fascist think tank Media Research Center’s annual DisHonors Awards, Joe the Womanless Schlong Beater, responded to applause by admitting the accolades were making his dick hard.

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• Conservatives looking for a distraction from AIG: 1 point
• Liberals seeking to prove they’re capable of criticizing the President: 1 point
• Outrage from people who used “retard” in conversation only hours earlier: 1 point
• Bowlers: 1 point

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“Today there’s another sucking sound going on in Washington, D.C. And that’s the tightening of sphincters on both ends of Pennsylvania Avenue.” (Rep. Steve LaTourette, R-Ohio, Thursday)

“From my standpoint, it’s irresponsible for corporations to give bonuses at this time when they’re sucking the tit of the taxpayer.” (Sen. Charles Grassley, R-Iowa, Tuesday)

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Damn she can bring the stupid:

We now have an illustrious addition to the ranks of Republican governors turning down stimulus money: Sarah Palin.

Palin has announced that she is rejecting $416 million, out of $930 million originally headed to her state. “We are not requesting funds intended to just grow government,” Palin said in a statement. “We are not requesting more money for normal day-to-day operations of government as part of this economic stimulus package. In essence we say no to operating funds for more positions in government.”

On the other hand, her fucking state gets too much money from us as it is.

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This guy used to live in Chicago and I totally did a staged script reading with him. We also sort of made out once, which was very fun. In addition to being really hot he is very smart and apparently fairly heroic.

That is all. Please return to your regularly scheduled lives already in progress.