Choose Your Own Misadventure!

Second prize is a set of steak knives.

Of the many, many, many metaphors available to us — well, honestly, we can’t choose. There’s the Clown Car, of course, or Stealers Wheel (ask your parents!), or Wigstock, or Usual Suspects, or…

Really, folks: This is so ridiculous, nobody’s even bothering to find Incriminating Corndog Photos yet.

So we throw up our hands and welcome you to our GOP Debate Open Thread/Cleveland Steamer. Word to the wise: If you plan on making Hair Jokes, you’re gonna have a lot of competition.

Je Suis The Passport

Nothing is more offensive than what makes other people laugh.

And nothing has been more instructive about our vaunted free speech than the weaseling response of our hired intelligentsia. Of course it’s offensive. Of course it’s crude. That’s the motherfucking point, you motherfucking pope fucking gay boy fucking cunt licking pussy licking taint licking fucktards.

It’s supposed to make men go chungk in their beer. And hit each other over the head with their mugs. Like the time they all got together to fuck each other’s brothers. (See what I did there? I didn’t say sisters. I am so advanced.) What’s different about the Seth Rogan film that I haven’t seen and have no plans on seeing? Or the porn sites being shut down by our evangelical friends who’ve got nothing better to do with their right hands? What else was Borat? But then ask Salman Rushdie. His account of living under the siege of fundamentalists is instructive for as much as it tells us about the author’s unconscious shutting down as his police guard is shagging his secretary.

Infamy In Our Time

Never forget.

Too Little Too Late

I would have hoped for criminal charges of obstruction of justice and aiding and abetting child molestation, but I guess this is some sort of symbolic start. Maybe for their next gesture they can stop crawling all up in the wimminz’ lady-bits and pissing themselves over the gheyz and oh, I don’t know, reread Matthew 25:35-36 and start trying to act accordingly.

In a move unprecedented in the American Catholic Church, Los Angeles Archbishop Jose Gomez announced Thursday that he had relieved his predecessor, Cardinal Roger M. Mahony, of all public duties over his mishandling of clergy sex abuse of children decades ago.


Gomez’s decision capped a two-week period in which the publication of 25-year-old files fueled a new round of condemnation of the L.A. archdiocese. The files of 14 clerics accused of abuse became public in a court case last Monday. They laid out in Mahony and Curry’s own words how the church hierarchy had plotted to keep law enforcement from learning that children had been molested at the hands of priests.

To stave off investigations, Mahony and Curry gave priests they knew had abused children out-of-state assignments and kept them from seeing therapists who might alert authorities.

Mahony and Curry both issued apologies, with the cardinal saying he had not realized the extent of harm done to children until he met with victims during civil litigation. “I am sorry,” he said.

[LAT: Cardinal Mahony Relieved of Duties/HT: Dodger]

But How Was the Movie, Mrs. Lincoln?

[via @BuzzFeedAndrew]

Be Careful Out There

Silent Creative Partner draws so we don’t have to.

Zombies for Romney

Please have a glass of water handy, because when Joss Whedon drops “Zombie Apocalypse”, you’ll want to do a spit take.