Quick! Somebody sacrifice a virgin! If the radar photo above is any indication, Europeans have clearly pissed off Mother Earth with their excesses. After the jump, heartbreaking stories of “tragedy” from some of the world’s most privileged people.

Please note these are victims who, in the face of apparent TREMENDOUS adversity, somehow found the time to locate Internet access, log onto their favorite news site, and write their tale of woe. While we’re not ones to poo-poo the upper classes – after all, they are what keep this trickle-down economy on the rise! – someone needs to rig them up Clockwork Orange-style and show them examples of, you know, ACTUAL SUFFERING. (Quotes below edited for maximum snark without altering salient facts or circumstances.)

“The couple have been stranded at Gatwick and look set to miss their wedding in Antigua. Miss Williams said: ‘When they told me the plane had been cancelled I burst out crying. We are going on a three-week European cruise so I am ringing round all the places we stop [to arrange for a quickie wedding],’ she said.”

“The Barkers have been told they will be stuck in Spain for the next week following the closure of UK airports. They had been due to fly from Malaga to Manchester yesterday after a week-long break on the Costa del Sol.”

“We’re now trying to think of things to do in London to cheer ourselves up and pray we get on a flight over the weekend to make the wedding.”

“I planned to travel to Milan for the International Furniture Fair. The fair finishes on Monday and it’s very difficult to get a ticket.”

“I just hope I get home to see the [football] clash between Aberdeen and Falkirk.” (It should be noted that this guy is stuck on an off-shore oil rig, a marvelous location ripe for Shining levels of boredom.)

“Came to Barcelona to watch Barca play on Wednesday night as a treat for my son’s 10th birthday, and we’re still stuck!”

“There was a father and daughter behind me who also had their flight to Paris cancelled. The mood of the people was very angry.”

“Thankfully, my wife and I had no immediate plans in the UK so we have decided to stay in Osaka for another week.”

Prize for Worst. Vacation. Ever. goes to this poor soul: “We’re stuck in Delhi at the moment. We shouldn’t even be here except we had to finish our trek to Everest early as I got acute altitude sickness and had to be evacuated by helicopter to a hospital in Kathmandu.”

And this comment wins the Palme d’Or for obnoxious:

“My business of supplying fresh produce to the retailers in the UK and continental Europe is virtually at a halt. No flights northbound and I can’t send cargo out, so everything is going into the bin. Neville, Nairobi, Kenya”

THAT’S OK, WE’RE SURE KENYANS HAVE ALL THE FOOD THEY NEED. As time wears on, it’s become painfully obvious that even photojournalists are sick of these twats:

Looks like Austin Powers and Zoolander have a plan. And finally, in honor of gettin’ another sister above the time stamp, I present you with the PMILF who will save the world, one killer app at a time:

One million Britons stranded by ash and food shortages expected [Daily Mail]
Volcanic ash: Your stories of travel disruption [BBC News]
Volcanic ash cloud grounds 16,000 flights Saturday [CNN]

• The Netherlands: “The tomato soup is overcooked”
• Brazil: “I’m with Chico”
• China: “Little Sister has come”
• Many parts of Latin America: “Jenny has a red dress on”
• Australia: “I’ve got the flags out”
• Denmark: “There are Communists in the funhouse”
• Ireland: “I’m wearing a jam rag”
• England: “I’m flying the Japanese flag”
• Japan: “Little Miss Strawberry”
• France: “The English have arrived”
• Germany: “The cranberry woman is coming”
• Puerto Rico: “Did the rooster already sing?”
• South Africa: “Granny’s stuck in traffic”

What to Call Your Period in Other Countries [The Gloss]

Your favorite foreign correspondent has taken time out of her busy wine-drinking schedule to report on a bunch of fuckery happening presently:

Italy

Berlusconi, class clown, made fun of the lefty governor of the Piemonte region: “You know why Bresso is always in a bad mood? Because in the morning when she gets up, she looks at herself in the mirror to put her make-up on – and sees herself. And so her day is already ruined.”

Her reply? “I’m always in a good mood. And regarding make up, I don’t use much; I don’t need it as much as Berlusconi. I’m young, in good shape and haven’t had a facelift.”

Oh, snap! The emperor might not be completely naked yet, but he’s definitely showing some leg. It doesn’t help that Berlusca’s party failed to register its candidates on time because the designated official was at lunch.

Berlusca also recently appeared in public flanked by 12 administrators and declared his follwers to be missionaries. And the batshit-crazy right Lega Nord party handed out anti-immigrant soap, to wash one’s hands in case one came in contact with an immigrant. Stay classy, Italy!

Vatican City

Pope Ratzi apparently sanctioned kiddie-diddling on five continents. And in possibly related news, Chief exorcist Father Gabriele Amorth says the devil is loose in the Vatican and roaming the halls.

France

Sarkozy got spanked by the left in last Sunday’s elections, which left Socialists in control of 23 of France’s 26 regions. Protests, teargas, blah blah blah. There’s no pleasing these fucking people.

A dozen French winemakers and traders were found guilty of a massive scam to sell 18 million bottles of shite Pinot Noir to a leading US buyer. Their defense: “Not a single American consumer complained.”

Greece

Holy shit, are they broke. But they insist that if Germany and France throw them a safety net, they can row themselves ashore. Upside? This whole kerfuffle is making the dollar soar against the euro, which means my rent is cheaper. Oh, and more tourists or something.

UK

Political headline, or quote from a James Ellroy novel? You decide.

As the polls turn, Silvio comes out swinging [The Independent]
French pres. shakes up Cabinet after vote losses [Las Vegas Sun]
France wine producers guilty of US scandal [BBC]
Germany, France agree on safety net for Greek economy [Sydney Morning Herald]
Pope Benedict infallible? So the Vatican would like us to believe [Guardian]
Chief exorcist Father Gabriele Amorth says Devil is in the Vatican [Times]
Sapone antimmigranti [Arezzo Notizie]

Photo courtesy of eatliver.com

There were two separate charges of fraud and extortion, filed by two women. One forked over about $40,000 for… well, whatever stupid shit Scientology makes you fork over money for. But the second, I believe, cut to the heart of France’s sense of entitlement:

The second woman said she was forced by the Scientologists to undergo embarrassing tests, and to enroll in courses about the sect in 1998. When she refused she was sacked.

That’s right! Someone kicked a French person out of an organization. No matter that said organization was described as a cult by prosecutors and the judge said members are “plunged into a ‘state of subjection.’” Or that she didn’t even want to be there.

Don’t kick out the French: You’ll always get caught.

Church of Scientology Convicted of Fraud in France [Daily Mail]

If that little girl in her Misfits shirt and her pigtails can get up on stage at Madison Square Garden and absolutely own it, there is hope for the future. That is all.

When the Rapture happens, God will take the Christians who have died and the Christians who are still alive and bring them up to heaven, where they will get new bodies that will be beautiful and perfect.

Unlike everyone else, Jesus never did anything wrong. He never sinned by doing bad things. He never stole anything or disobeyed his parents or said bad words or mean things.

It’s not fun to be sick, but being sick reminds you that the world has a sin problem.

The ark could have held 522 railroad box cars! So dinosaurs could have fit inside the ark.

Jesus told us we should continue to eat this special meal of bread and wine (or grape juice) to always remember Him.

God made the first people, Adam and Eve, with the ability to have children of lighter or darker skin.

Believers will live with God forever in heaven. But those who didn’t trust Jesus must be separated forever in hell from the holy, perfect God.

In the Old Testament times (before Jesus was born), people were required to give 1 dollar out of every 10 dollars that they made. God no longer expects us to give this exact amount.

The Trinity is hard to understand, but we believe it is true because God tells us He is three-in-one in the Bible.

(In answer to, “Will God answer every prayer?”) God may answer yes, no, or wait.

Through the years, God has kept the Bible safe from being changed or messed up. 

The entire Bible is true and really happened.

[W]e should believe the Bible is true because many men and women have died defending it.Why would so many people die defending the Bible, if it weren’t true?

God created the heavens and the earth, so it wouldn’t be a big deal for Him to take care of Jonah for three days inside a fish and then put him back on dry land.

When families change because of divorce, this makes God sad.

Adorable, isn’t she?  Yeah, she sucks; I’ll tell you why in a minute. But lest you think I’m grasping at straws to make the “hottie” comparison, join me after the jump for a photo from her previous career.

You see, the Minister of Equal Opportunity used to be a show girl. In fact, only five short years ago, before she cut her hair in order to appeal to housewives and old people, much of her was already quite well known among the more discerning fans of year-end nudie “sexy calendars,” as they’re called here.

La Carfagna, who shockingly is only beautiful enough to have placed sixth in 1997′s Miss Italia beauty pageant, went on to have an illustrious six-year career in television, specifically as an employee of Mediaset – owned by – wait for it – a Mr. Silvio Berlusconi.  The shows she hosted are of a kind that’s hard to explain if you don’t live here: Imagine if Tom Jones and Carmen Electra hosted an Oprah-style talk show, in the middle of which they would break into song and dancing girls come out and shake their asses at the camera, after which there would be a packaged tear-jerker piece about someone who’d lost their legs in a tram accident.  These three-hour-long spectacles are on during Sunday lunchtime.

After entering into politics in 2004, she was tapped (heh) in May of 2008 to fight for the rights of the downtrodden and ignored as the Minister of Equal Opportunity.  Since then, she has done/said/fucked up the following things:

1. She and Berlusconi were heard on a wiretap talking about blowjobs.

2. She believes that feminism has made women (mistakenly) believe that freedom comes from independence.  She instead believes that true freedom comes from discipline and rules. One can only imagine how she came to this conclusion.

3. She has stated that gays don’t need a Gay Pride parade/protest, because they no longer are discriminated against. Even though she refuses to consider gay marriage or even civil unions, as she instead is fighting for matrimonial rights to be based solely on the ability of the couple in question to reproduce.

4. In a televised interview defending her statement above, she called Rome the capital of Catholicism. While this is technically untrue, as the Vatican City state is the capital of Catholicism, she also apparently forgot it’s actually the capital of FREAKING ITALY.

5. In introducing an anti-prostitution bill, she called the world’s oldest profession “a shameful phenomenon” and said she doesn’t “understand how someone can sell their body… for money.”

Really, honey? No idea at all?

Of all the heinously criminal dealings that have the potential to bring down Silvio Berlusconi, it seems as though he might just be done in by an 18-year-old chippie named Noemi Letizia. The irony, of course, is that it was La Berlusca himself who single-handedly created an Italian culture that couldn’t give a shit about real issues, but sinks its teeth into a scandal like a fucking pit bull.

His gaffes are many and known worldwide – calling Obama “tan,” the bandana/hairplugs incident with the Blairs (Cherie having just admitted last month they “only did it for Britain”) ,  encouraging L’Aquila earthquake victims to see their homelessness like a weekend of camping, etc.

But much less known, thanks to his iron-fisted control of the country’s media outlets, are the stories about the girls. This is because, as The Times of London reports, “He threatens those newspapers and televisions stations that he controls, invokes the law to protect his ‘privacy,’ issues evasive and contradictory statements and then melodramatically promises to resign if he is caught lying.”  In fact, the only major national newspaper to confront the chippie quetsion head-on has been La Repubblica.

Our precocious little Noemi (ahem, and NSFW) was the recipient of a 6,000-euro bracelet from “Papi” on the occasion of her 18th birthday. Seating at state dinners has been rearranged to accommodate her last-minute arrival. She’s been seen being whisked away in unmarked government vehicles to meetings with the diminutive, orange-hued leader. And when asked separately about the story behind and nature of their odd friendship, they both had startlingly different versions to tell.

In the midst of his wife filing for divorce, a “formal investigation for abuse of power” being filed just yesterday and a book called We, Silvio’s Girls hitting bookshelves next week (hilariously titled, given that it is in apparent defense of Berlusconi against the tales of his topless parties in Sardegna and his coterie of “aspiring models” to whom he promises seats in Parliament) – oh, and let’s not forget the EU elections – his increasingly smaller number of faithful minions have decided the best defense is a ridiculously ostentatious offense:

A Nobel Peace Prize nomination.

As the New York Times drolly observes, “Really.”

(photo courtesy of my buddy jinx/bkny)

Nothing says, "I'm more of a badass than Ann Coulter" like a leather vest and chola makeup.

“If you take your kids to see Watchmen, you’re a moron.

If you see it yourself, you’re also probably a moron and a vapid, indecent human being.”

That’s how Debbie Schlussel, D-list Ann Coulter wannabe, begins her thoughtful, measured review of this year’s biggest box office hit. She’s a real charmer, our Debbie.

Now, I agree with the first statement – and apparently, so does the Motion Picture Association of America, which gave the film an R rating. But does the second statement not, by default, name her as a vapid, indecent human being? Oh, right, she was just performing a service for dull-minded parents who do whatever their kids tell them to do.

If you’re wondering why her name sounds familiar, you might know her as the author of a twice-weekly column entitled, “Debbie Does Politics.” She is a role model for the children, really.  And drag queens.

Like most conservatives who are vehement about teh evil pervading our once-great Reaganation, she seems to focus only on the things she hates – taking it upon herself to warn her tens of fans about the puerile filth coming to a theater near you. But with Watchmen she takes her vitriol to another whole level, insulting the people who see the film as well – whether or not you have your tiny tots in tow.

In addition to the quotes above, get a load of what Debbie thinks of you:

• “I guess I shouldn’t be amazed at the number of slacker ignoramuses who are up in arms about my frank review cutting down the absolute crap they worship”
• “If only this movie could achieve that result [death of Watchmen fans by Jim Jones Kool-Aid], it would be the most fantastic exercise in natural selection ever conducted in America.” Surely, she’s not including abortion in this comparison.
  
• “You’re a bunch of dummies with no moral compass, but liking this stupid comic book which pretends violence and the depraved is ‘edgy’ or ‘sophisticated,’ makes you feel smart. When you’re actually quite stupid. But now, with this movie, you’ve got pretentious stupidity. You don’t realize you’re still just as dumb, your IQ just as low and probably lower.”
• “Here’s a tip to you clueless wonders: You can’t have culture literacy when there ain’t culture. Just like I’d be wrong to call this a clash of civilizations, because then we would be wrongly assuming that there is civilization on your end.”
• “[Y]ou’re an idiot who spends valuable time and money on idiocy and depravity.” It should be noted here that she also went apoplectic over the money spent by President Obama on a swing set for his daughters.
  
• “And you are no better than the lumpenproletariat lowlifes at the Coliseum who orgasmically watched and cheered when Christians were forced to fight animals.”
• “I’m not surprised to find out that many of those who’ve written… voted for Barack Obama and are liberals” So that’s where everyone was this weekend!
  
• “If you’re a “Watchmen” fan, there’s something sick about you.”
• My personal favorite: “…the insipid, vapid excuses I’ve received from empty-headed Watchmen fanatic who mindlessly repeat the phony talking points that make them feel smart.” I didn’t know Fox pundits liked Watchmen!

Debbie signs off with some home-spun advice for clearly misguided Watchmen fans everywhere:

• “And maybe your sister should be fed to dogs and your mother raped and your brother should have his arms sawed off (as they do in this snuff/torture-porn movie).”

Like I said: That Debbie.  She’s a real charmer.

The “Watchmen” Lie: Hollywood Sends More Depravity Your Kids’ Way Costumed as “Superhero” Flick [Debbie Schlussel]

“Watchmen” Fanatic Derangement Syndrome: Disease of the Pretentious Slacker Ignorami; “Watchmen” Was Anti-Reagan Rant; “Not Marketed to Kids” on “American Idol” [Debbie Schlussel]

This photo of a forlorn-looking Eiffel Tower was taken by me, your intrepid Foreign Correspondent, at midnight on New Year’s Eve to document the fact that THERE WERE NO FIREWORKS. Little did I know, however, that all the action was happening out in les banlieues of Paris and beyond, where Champagne and canapés have been replaced by the annual torching of cars to ring in the New Year.

None of this occurred in the city center, which was entirely populated by Italians, Japanese, thousands of troops in full riot gear who flinched at every broken bottle, and me and my fabulous stylist cousin. This left the inhabitants of les banlieues free to burn 1,147 cars, 30 percent more than New Year’s Eve 2008.

France began its long and illustrious history of protest and revolt in the late 1700s; and with the notable exception of the early 1940s, when it was di rigeur to roll over like a well-trained pup, it continues to this day with every sit-in, protest march and earnest chant that occurs in every city, town and quaint hamlet in the Republic on an almost weekly basis. Even in our sleepy city on the Mediterranean, I’ve been tear-gassed on the way to the market more times than I care to recall.

So it amuses me that Sarko & Co. are so flummoxed by the burning of cars in les banlieues by those whom France would rather forget. Really, it’s the safest form of protest they have available to them. Sarko has said that those who burn cars will have their licenses taken away until the cars’ owners are paid back in full; this is a laughable punishment, seeing as how they would be beaten senseless by racist cops itching for a fight if they held a more organized, less firey protest in the city center.

However, nothing will stop the burning until French Muslims, most of whom have been born and raised here, are afforded the same opportunities as the rest of the population. Non-Muslim French see the welfare state that has become the French Republic as their divine right; but a Muslim kid, who’s Frencher than a baguette but with skin like cafe au lait, wants a job and a roof over his head, and it’s a national tragedy.

New Year’s Eve car burnings rise sharply in France [IHT]