Get Your Popcorn Ready

Word comes to us that Todd Akin’s going to be on Piers Morgan’s CNN gabfest at 2100 EDT.  In terms of strategy, it is horrendous.  In terms of comedy possibilities?  AWESOME. And thus I am proud to present this OPEN THREAD for y’all.  [BREAKING HARD — Rep. Todd Akin ran away! Bravely ran away, away! When danger reared its ugly head, he bravely turned his tail and fled!  Oh, man.  That’s POOR.]

[Remainder of post continues with salient info and so on and so forth.  Maybe.]

[A preface.] I know that I’ve been AWOL around here.  Lots of reasons — work, exhaustion, a rough battle with severe depression, yada, yada, yada.  But one other reason?  The bullshit was just too glaring.  If the snark is obvious, I would add nothing of worth.  Don’t speak unless you would improve the silence, and such.

But there was a EUREKA! moment today at Chicago Bureau World HQ this afternoon, which is explained post-jump.

So: this happened

The Family Research Council offered strong support for Todd Akin on Monday afternoon… [saying] “We feel this is a case of gotcha politics…. We know who Todd Akin is because we’ve worked with him up on the Hill. He’s a defender of life. He’s a defender of families. This is just a controversy built up, it looks as though, to support his opposition…. Todd Akin is getting a very bad break here. We support him fully and completely.”

Let’s hit the old rewind button to… um… THIS MORNING….

The mainstream media largely “ignored” last week’s shooting at the… Family Research Council, the president of the conservative group said Monday morning…. “I think the reason [for the lack of coverage] is, it doesn’t fit the storyline,” [Tony] Perkins said. “You know, it’s supposed to be conservatives who are angry, who are filled with hate. And that’s not the case.”

SOMEBODY UP THERE LIKES MY INNER CYNICAL SELF! I’m back, baby!

I mean, come the fuck on: bashing the Southern Poverty Law Center for calling you guys a little ball of hate and tagging them with responsibility for a nutjob barging in with a month’s supply of Chick-Fil-A and a gun, and THEN turning around hours later and coming to the defense of a guy who basically told women that, if you get pregnant from a rape, there’s something wrong with your body?  Now THAT’S what I’m talking about!

Anyway: Morgan v Akin in a TABLES LADDERS & CHAIRS MATCH in fifteen minutes.  Have at it.

22 comments:

9:12 pm • Monday • August 20, 2012

Man, I literally raced home for this. Popcornus interruptus. Shit.

9:13 pm • Monday • August 20, 2012

This certainly squares the circle.

9:16 pm • Monday • August 20, 2012

@karen marie still has her eyes tight shut: You and your science talk. Stop.

Seriously, I come back from a prolonged absence and Todd Akin stands me up? That fucking HURTS.

9:19 pm • Monday • August 20, 2012

Loving the Picture-in-Picture Piers has up now (for those not watching, it has “Rep. Todd Akin’s Empty Chair” documented for all time). That’s good producing.

Which means of course that Aaron Sorkin’s writing it into next week’s The Newsroom. That fucker can write a teleplay, you know.

9:22 pm • Monday • August 20, 2012

I will not be interrupted from my Dinner With Rachel, but that empty chair is better than any appearance could have been.

9:24 pm • Monday • August 20, 2012

@nojo: You know, I skipped Rachel for watching this. I know I can DVR Rachel re-set for later tonight, but it proves that I should NEVER stray.

9:31 pm • Monday • August 20, 2012

And Piers is trying to get Ricki Lake to comment on Todd Akin. And she… dodges?

Woof.

9:31 pm • Monday • August 20, 2012

There’s a Comfy Chair gag to be made, but my mouth is full.

10:26 pm • Monday • August 20, 2012

To be clear: Piers Morgan is not middle class.

10:29 pm • Monday • August 20, 2012

Wow. An idiot, a dolt and now a coward. If you’re running from Piers Morgan then you really have no bidniz on the national stage.

10:29 pm • Monday • August 20, 2012

@Benedick:
Upper class wanker?

10:29 pm • Monday • August 20, 2012

@chicago bureau:
Nice to see you back.

10:39 pm • Monday • August 20, 2012

Well that was fun. Sorta.

But I gotta say this — and if you’re not into psychological venting, feel free to eject now. Seriously: a major depressive episode? NOT FUCKING FUN.

All of this is by way of saying: my apologies to all for my extended absence. Life, from last August onwards, really took the wind out of me. Not even a terribly fun trip to Canada shook me out of it. The fears of loss, alienation, abandonment and all that had me in very, VERY bad places. Dark places. Suicidal, even.

This is deserving of a longer, Tell Stinque About Your Mother post, but: thoughts of suicide are hard to shake when things are going terribly wrong. Even when the thoughts are totally divorced from reality. When you begin to think that nobody will miss you when you’re gone, and when you think you are simply a replaceable cog, and when you don’t want to burden anybody by laying your troubles on them, you’re in a tough, tough spot.

And when you start to plan it all out? You know it’s all over, and you can relax and think “my problems are over.” I thank God that the moments of clarity in that time caused me to reassess and pull back, almost instantaneously, from the brink. And caused me to reach out to a friend who led me out of the bad places.

(Will suspend further comment, for fear of going all Prommie on y’all. Unless I already have — in which case, I apologize, like the wannabe Canadian I am inside. It is enough to say that I’m fine, but the dark moments still come, and I’m still fighting.)

10:47 pm • Monday • August 20, 2012

Well, back to my quarter-century reading of the Federalist Papers. “An unrestrained intercourse between the States…” Bad Hamilton! Naughty, naughty Hamilton!

11:21 pm • Monday • August 20, 2012

@chicago bureau: Glad to see you back. I’ve missed your voice.
Many of your fellow Stinquers have wrestled the noonday demon, and I have been close to suicide myself more than once. I’m VERY glad you’ve found your way back, and never think that no one would miss you. We would. Very much.

11:21 pm • Monday • August 20, 2012

Glad you’re back, CB. Even gladder you’re feeling better.

TJ/Not to tempt fate, but can it be true we’re all in a better place lately? Seems like it.

11:23 pm • Monday • August 20, 2012

@ManchuCandidate: If you’re running from Piers Morgan then you really have no bidniz on the national stage.
Piers makes Larry King look like Edward R. Fucking Murrow.

2:02 am • Tuesday • August 21, 2012

@chicago bureau: I know exactly how you feel. Please don’t apologize. Don’t. It’s okay.

2:05 am • Tuesday • August 21, 2012

@Tommmcatt May Just Have Some MJ In His System As Well, So What?: I’m homeless in Seattle…

Okay, I’m in a shelterish place.

But mentally? Yeah, I’m glad to be free of my fucking relatives. Only my kid knows I’m here. That’s good until they put the fucking screws on him. They are sick bastards.

9:28 am • Tuesday • August 21, 2012

@chicago bureau: Welcome back, we’ve missed you. And like Mistress Cynica said, many of us around here seem to have dealt with Churchill’s black dog. I think a tendency to severe depression is a side effect of hyper-awareness and sensitivity to the bullshit of life. It’s no fun but you can claw your way out, and those of us around here will listen.

@JNOV: You did the right thing to leave that shitshow.

6:41 pm • Tuesday • August 21, 2012

@chicago bureau: Stay strong, CB. Many of us have been there, and we’re only a few clicks away if you need us.

8:49 am • Wednesday • August 22, 2012

@chicago bureau: I’m really glad you’re feeling better. Only one thing concerns me: you had fun in Canada?

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