A Tennessee Guide to Government-Approved Fucking

Our guest columnist is Jim Gotto, Republican in the Tennessee House of Representatives. A local news story says that under his bill, “holding hands and kissing could be considered gateways to sex.”

Tennessee Code Annotated, Title 49, Chapter 6, Part 13, is amended by the part in its entirety and by substituting instead the following:

As used in this part, unless the context otherwise requires:

(1) “Abstinence” means not participating in any activity that puts an individual at risk for pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease;

(2) (A) “Abstinence-based” or “abstinence-centered” means an approach that promotes sexual risk avoidance, or primary prevention, and teaches vital life skills that empower youth to identify healthy and unhealthy relationships, accurately understand sexually transmitted diseases and contraception, set goals, make healthy life decisions, and build character;

(B) Abstinence-centered education is a holistic approach that addresses the physical, social, emotional, psychological, economic and educational consequences of non-marital sexual activity;

(3) “Abstinence-centered curriculum” means that the majority of the content of a curriculum promotes sexual risk avoidance as the primary goal. Supplemental topics in the curriculum, such as healthy relationships and substance abuse, reinforce the goal of primary prevention…

(6) “Family life education” means an abstinence-centered sex education program that builds a foundation of knowledge and skills relating to character development, human development, decision-making, abstinence, contraception and disease prevention;

(7) “Gateway sexual activity” means sexual contact encouraging an individual to engage in a non-abstinent behavior. A person promotes a gateway sexual activity by encouraging, advocating, urging or condoning gateway sexual activities…

(10) “Risk avoidance” means an approach that primarily encourages the prevention of participation in risk behaviors such as smoking, underage drinking, drug use and criminal activity, as opposed to merely reducing the consequences of those risk behaviors such as pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases and infections, dating violence and sexual aggression;

(11) “Sexual activity” means sexual penetration or sexual contact, or both;

(12) “Sexual intercourse” means that a penis is inserted into a vagina, mouth or anus…

A family life curriculum shall, to the extent that the topic and the manner of communication is age-appropriate:

(1) Exclusively and emphatically promote sexual risk avoidance through abstinence, regardless of a student’s current or prior sexual experience;

(2) Encourage sexual health by helping students understand how sexual activity affects the whole person including the physical, social, emotional, psychological, economic and educational consequences of non-marital sexual;

(3) Teach the positive results of avoiding sexual activity, the skills needed to make healthy decisions, the advantages of and skills for student success in pursuing educational and life goals, the components of healthy relationships, and the social science research supporting the benefits of reserving the expression of human sexual activity for marriage…

(5) Teach students how to form pro-social habits that enable students to develop healthy relationships, create strong marriages, and form safe and stable future families;

(6) Encourage students to communicate with a parent, guardian, or other trusted adult about sex or other risk behaviors;

(7) Assist students in learning and practicing refusal skills that will help them resist sexual activity;

(8) Address the benefits of raising children within the context of a marital relationship and the unique challenges that single teen parents encounter in relation to educational, psychological, physical, social, legal, and financial factors;

(9) Discuss the interrelationship between teen sexual activity and exposure to other risk behaviors such as smoking, underage drinking, drug use, criminal activity, dating violence, and sexual aggression;

(10) Educate students on the age of consent, puberty, pregnancy, childbirth, sexually transmitted diseases, and the financial and emotional responsibility of raising a child; and

(11) Teach students how to identify and form healthy relationships, and how to identify and avoid unhealthy relationships.

Instruction of the family life curriculum shall not:

(1) Promote, implicitly or explicitly, any gateway sexual activity or health message that encourages students to experiment with non-coital sexual activity;

(2) Provide or distribute materials on school grounds that condone, encourage or promote student sexual activity among unmarried students;

(3) Display or conduct demonstrations with devices specifically manufactured for sexual stimulation; or

(4) Distribute contraception on school property; provided, however, medically-accurate information about contraception and condoms may be provided so long it is presented in a manner consistent with the preceding provisions of this part and clearly informs students that while such methods may reduce the risk of acquiring sexually transmitted diseases or becoming pregnant, only abstinence removes all risk.

House Bill 3621 [Tennessee Legislature]

Bill would define holding hands, kissing as “gateway sexual activity” [WMC-TV/Memphis]

28 Comments

Really? Oral sex is now sex?

I feel like I should start dancing to the Kenny Loggins song Footloose.

And since we could all use some laughs, Gawker has reviewed Showgirls 2, and OMGOMGOMG they included quotes:

“The only thing worse than your dancing is your camel toe.”

Katya to Penny during a dance instruction: “Don’t be afraid of using your pussy. Come on, it’s right there.”

“I’ve managed to make an honest living in a g-string.”

“Women are like bananas. They’re sweetest when they’re ripe. Right before they shrivel. But you, you are a banana split. With a cherry on top. And nuts.”

“It’s kind of difficult to dance with a hard-on.” (SO TRUE – ¡A! )

I may have had some gateway sexual activity, that is, sexual activity while in a gateway. But, you know the saying “memory is the second thing to go.”

I never did any of those things. But it didn’t explain the sudden hair growth on my palms, either.

One of the Tennessee Dems should one-up this by introducing a minimally-edited translation of Saudi Arabia’s laws regarding the conduct of wimmins.

I bet it would get more than a few GOP co-sponsors before somebody caught on…

My reading of Paragraph 12 is that girl-on-girl action is not considered sexual activity…

It appears today that the North Koreans can’t get it up.

@¡Andrew!:

“It’s kind of difficult to dance with a hard-on.” (SO TRUE – ¡A! )

Dude. You just rub it up against somebody. Morning Wood peeing is trickier.

TJ/ I’m taking 62-yr-old traumatic brain injury and stroke (heh) cousin to internal med dr next week for a check up and a million referrals.

Cousin: Will you go in with me?

Me: Sure. But I’ll skip the turn-your-head-and-cough part.

Cousin: Okay. Call him up and tell him I want some Viagra.

Me: O_o Do I need to buy you condoms, too?

Cousin: Naw. But I would like a decent hard on.

Me: O_o Um, do you need more socks, then?

(You don’t want to know what I heard when he was in the shower yesterday. What’s better was the look on his face when he came out and saw me in the dining room. He told me his back was hurting. Sure it was.)

Morning Wood peeing is trickier

I usually end up in these weird Karate Kid meets yoga poses.

@SanFranLefty: Flying solo appears to be okay also. Those two, separately or in combination, will at least make it possible for some fun in Tennessee.

Word search shows that the draft legislation fails to address “bonin'”. Perhaps they’ll insert it in conference.

@¡Andrew!: Sit on the throne and lean over until your face below the top of the bowl maybe? Within 1 minute one can sit upright.

6’4″ ex stood about four feet from bowl, leaned forward, put hands on tank and prayed he shot straight [ETA] down.

“(B) Abstinence-centered education is a holistic approach that addresses the physical, social, emotional, psychological, economic and educational consequences of non-marital sexual activity;”

Whoa. Holistic? No co-opting hippie language, asshole.

“Instruction of the family life curriculum shall not:

(1) Promote, implicitly or explicitly, any gateway sexual activity or health message that encourages students to experiment with non-coital sexual activity;”

Guess the dudes won’t be needing any socks.

@I’m passing for white: “Morning Wood peeing is trickier.”

Wouldn’t having wake-up sex solve his problem? Motto of wake-up sex: “I won’t be grossed out by your breath and eye crusts if you won’t be grossed out by mine.”

@I’m passing for white: I’d be open to trying an absinthe-centered education.

@SanFranLefty: Isn’t is good Norwegian wood?

@I’m passing for white: what, no love for the greyhound station?

@Dodgerblue: watch it, mister…

@SanFranLefty: Depends on how full his bladder is. ;-)

@redmanlaw: Heh. I’ve heard it give you the mutters.

@Dodgerblue: If you think it happened, it probably did. And I’m sure there was applause.

@SanFranLefty: Absolutely none. Now airplane bathrooms are another story, but I think I’ve told that one…

@SanFranLefty: Wait. You had Gateway Sex while riding that train?

Just don’t pull one. ;-P

@Dodgerblue:

Actually the North Koreans can get it up but can not keep it up to obtain orbitism.

@Dodgerblue:LA: best team in baseball now. The catcher for the pirates who hit that homer last night is from here in Knoxville, TN., but he’s not as fucked up as the teabagger legislature. There are so few dems in the state legislature now that they can’t even stop this kinda shit from getting passed. I apologize, but it will only get worse, especially when the these teabaggers double down on the psycho paranoia after Barry O’bama gets re-elected.

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