Golden Anal Pear for Asshole of the Year
As is evident from the variety of candidates, there is no single qualification for this highly coveted award. It’s not something as simple as “Who had the most deleterious effect on our polity?” or “Whose energy-drink commercial annoyed us the most, especially since we don’t pay attention to Sport?” Instead, to honor the implement to which this is dedicated, the judgment is more intuitive: Who pissed the living shit out of us?
The nominees are: Joe Arpaio, whose incessant begging for attention finally produced results from the Justice Department; Newt Gingrich, whose revived Contract On America starts with keelhauling judges; Tim Tebow, who keeps distracting God from more pressing matters; and Barack Obama, who mercilessly taunts Glenn Greenwald with violations of Justice that nobody else cares about.
And the winner is…
Newt Gingrich. We know he’s a Professional Controversialist, but we’re really hung up on his insistence that Poor Black Kids clean his toilets.
Next hour: Crystal Douchebag for Lifetime Achievement