America harvested a bumper crop of Wingnuts this year, and if winnowing the nominees to five finalists now was challenging, we shudder to think what the process will look like next year — we may need to mount a new competition that begins in January with the House Republican Caucus, and winds up in December with a scream-off between the Final Two.

While our producer rushes off to hit up Coke for sponsorship money, let us consider Sharron Angle, whose Second Amendment Solutions fended off Chickens for Checkups in the Harry Reid Invitational; Michele Bachmann, whose fear of the Census led to fantasies of her own seat being eliminated; Mike Lee, proud leader of an army of clones who will crush you; Christine O’Donnell, who is Not a Witch; and Rand Paul, who demonstrated how quickly even Libertarians will sell out if given the chance.

And the winner is…

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People keep insisting that Democrats accomplished things this year, and we keep replying that labeling something “reform” doesn’t make it so — especially in light of extra-Constitutional Senate rules that Democrats too often accepted as given, instead of making an issue out of them. We’ll grant that in the end you still needed Olympia Snowe to sign off on anything to git ’er done, but we resist the nasty habit of capitulation as the first move.

And so, who to blame: Barack Obama, because fish rot from the head? Harry Reid, who only survived his re-election because his opponent was batshit crazy? Or Evan Bayh, who’d rather quit than fight?

And the winner is…

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The Judges have been looking forward to this category. A lot. Who among us wouldn’t relish the opportunity to vote someone Off the Island? Or, since that’s been done, an entire state?

A state like Arizona, which leaped onto the national stage in 2010 with the Show Us Your Papers Law, Jan Brewer’s Death Panels(tm), and Son of Potatoehead, as well as veteran assholes Sheriff Joe and John McCain. Or Oklahoma, so fearful of Islam that it banned Sharia Law while neglecting to ban Arabic numerals. Or South Carolina, which boasts the largest concentration of Douchebags in These United States. Not to mention Texas, proud home of America’s Assholes. And who wouldn’t love to shove Sarah Palin’s Alaska onto a drifting ice floe while keeping William Seward’s Alaska in the Union?

And the winner is…

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After Salon’s Alex Pareene ran the board last month, the Judges strongly considered just dropping this category and pretending like it never existed. But after the Management reminded them they were being paid by the unit, they bravely forged ahead. With a twist.

This year’s competition is thus a team sport. Fox & Friends, featuring the Faux Ditz (Oxford!) and the Real Ditz (Doocy!) may telegraph every GOP talking point, but accomplishes its mission with a panache that must be the highlight of every Daily Show intern’s day. Facing them at center field is the Washington Post Editorial Page, your source for the best in Torture Apologists.

And the winner is…

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The Judges were confused by the existence of this new award category, and were sorely tempted to follow the sage advice of a Nominator who suggested that the award be bestowed upon Sport itself. But after scolding by the Management for not being team players, the sullen panelists decided to give it the old BCS try.

FIFA president Sepp Blatter‘s (Teleprompter: “Pause for audience giggles”) warning to gays not to gay it up in Qatar leads off our parade of Dick Moves. LeBron James‘s Dick Move took a full hour on ESPN to unfurl, followed by the endless punctuation of Nike commercials. The Vancouver Organizing Committee built a manifestly unsafe luge track, then pulled out a Dick Move when an athlete demonstrated the point. And Brett Favre all but defined Dick Move in 2010.

And the winner is…

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The Judges began their marathon pizza fest conclave with a quandary: While this category traditionally honors foreign assholes, an abrupt change in nomenclature seemed to invite stateside nominees. After much beer pong spirited debate over whether Jan Brewer merits inclusion here for her institutional racism and Death Panels, the Judges decided to maintain the integrity of the category and censure the Management for harshing their mellow so early in the process.

Punishment meted, the qualifying nominees were duly considered. Julian Assange managed to frighten the shit out of everyone in the American Overlordship, while pissing the shit out of everyone he came into contact with. Tony Hayward was the public face of the BP oil spill and pitiful victim of lost weekends. Kim Jong-il rattled his nukes, which helped revive DVD sales of Team America.

And the winner is…

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OMG, we’re so excited! James Franco has agreed to host our ceremony this year, and— what? They’ve sent only his hand? Jeez, this is gonna be awkward, especially since Thing’s lawyers are insisting on their contractual requirement that he be the Exclusive Hand during the presentation. Well, shit. Okay, look, put it on ice and send it back. Is Daniel Day-Lewis still available?

While our assistants are Googling the source of that last reference, welcome to The 2010 Stinque Awards for Achievement in Infamy, our third annual celebration of the best in bloggable beastliness. We’ll be here all day, presuming we don’t trigger a DDOS attack from petulant basement-dwellers.

First, against our better judgment, the Technical Awards for Nice People, a tradition we’ve allowed to flourish in a moment of weakness. Please, holster your tomatoes. Target practice doesn’t begin for another hour.

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