I Am Christine O’Donnell’s Glossy Beaver
In the tradition of Readers’ Digest ‘I Am Joe’s . . . ‘ series of anatomy profiles about the body parts of one husband and father named Joe, Stinque.com brings you, ‘I Am Christine’s Glossy Beaver,’ the first in a series of articles by and about the genitals of celebrity teabaggers. Glossy Beaver contacted Stinque.com immediately after the hamfisted Gawker media kiss-and-tell about Ms. O’Donnell’s drunken pick up of a young man a few years ago during Halloween. Here is her story:
Christine never had good taste in guys, much less any idea what to do with them once she had them excited enough to be useful in fulfilling those manly duties of giving me the Good News, if you know what I mean. Poor kid, I think she means well but there’s not a lot of room left on the shelves once it’s stuffed with all this Jesus crap. Not that the guys help.
[WARNING: NSFW Author Profile Picture After the Jump]
They’re generally weak, stupid and into this Jesus stuff, although a lot of them are just thinking, oh, hey, maybe I can find a desperate girl at a church picnic, quote Galoshians IX really soulfully and get into her pants. Usually, they’re just pathetic and, lately, unemployed and slightly brain damaged like Christine.
This Dustin Dominiak guy from the mother’s building in Philadelphia, though, was a hostile twit who couldn’t recognize the blessing of a classy, glossy beaver explicitly preferring, he wrote in Gawker, one of those strange shaven numbers with pederastic overtones that are as obvious as they are creepy. Check this twisted shit out from his Gawker expose: “When her underwear came off, I immediately noticed that the waxing trend had completely passed her by. Obviously, that was a big turnoff, and I quickly lost interest.”
Wow, what kind of crowd of sick fucktards does this psychopath Dominiak come from. Obviously? Obviously, what? And, obviously to whom? Obviously, asshole, you have a problem with adult females? It is entirely obvious Dominiak has a bizarre, unhealthy and unwholesome hunger for females that don’t look like they’ve achieved puberty and in that he should be under constant surveillance, if not stuffed away in a supermax with his contemporaries.
Even more obvious, there is an entire publishing staff at Gawker that is as twisted as Dominiak for allowing this kind of sick and twisted comment to go unannotated and for Dominiak to go unreported to the police.
But this is what really fucking kills me. Everyone went apeshit on his ass about “slut-shaming” Christine, on and on, about how misogynist the story was and how the media had no business exposing her everyday sex life with random strangers but no one had the common decency to condemn this asshole for the insult he hurled at me, the Glossy Beaver, healthy, lovingly cared for, fully forested tuft of lady yummyness, goddammit.
Failure to appreciate female forestation is not only unhealthy – waxing can lead to all kinds of ailments – but depilation and other twisted personal grooming manias marked the end of the Roman Republic. Guys, it’s not about me. Any dweeb that can get by phalanxes of editors and culture stalkers pointing out that a glossy beaver was a turn-off without comment or condemnation is indicative of a deeply sick and, likely, doomed culture.