I Am Christine O’Donnell’s Glossy Beaver

The Brain Damaged Lady Candidate Does Not Speak for Me

The Brain Damaged Lady Candidate and Her Trashy Pick-Ups Do Not Speak for Me

In the tradition of Readers’ Digest ‘I Am Joe’s . . . ‘ series of anatomy profiles about the body parts of one husband and father named Joe, Stinque.com brings you, ‘I Am Christine’s Glossy Beaver,’ the first in a series of articles by and about the genitals of celebrity teabaggers. Glossy Beaver contacted Stinque.com immediately after the hamfisted Gawker media kiss-and-tell about Ms. O’Donnell’s drunken pick up of a young man a few years ago during Halloween. Here is her story:

Christine never had good taste in guys, much less any idea what to do with them once she had them excited enough to be useful in fulfilling those manly duties of giving me the Good News, if you know what I mean. Poor kid, I think she means well but there’s not a lot of room left on the shelves once it’s stuffed with all this Jesus crap. Not that the guys help.

[WARNING: NSFW Author Profile Picture After the Jump]

They’re generally weak, stupid and into this Jesus stuff, although a lot of them are just thinking, oh, hey, maybe I can find a desperate girl at a church picnic, quote Galoshians IX really soulfully and get into her pants. Usually, they’re just pathetic and, lately, unemployed and slightly brain damaged like Christine.

The Truth About O'Donnell's Halloween Hook-Up Straight from the Fur Pie!

The Truth About O'Donnell's Halloween Hook-Up Straight from the Fur Pie and Real Victim of Gawker's Demented Expose!

This Dustin Dominiak guy from the mother’s building in Philadelphia, though, was a hostile twit who couldn’t recognize the blessing of a classy, glossy beaver explicitly preferring, he wrote in Gawker, one of those strange shaven numbers with pederastic overtones that are as obvious as they are creepy.  Check this twisted shit out from his Gawker expose: “When her underwear came off, I immediately noticed that the waxing trend had completely passed her by. Obviously, that was a big turnoff, and I quickly lost interest.”

Wow, what kind of crowd of sick fucktards does this psychopath Dominiak come from. Obviously? Obviously, what? And, obviously to whom? Obviously, asshole, you have a problem with adult females? It is entirely obvious Dominiak has a bizarre, unhealthy and unwholesome hunger for females that don’t look like they’ve achieved puberty and in that he should be under constant surveillance, if not stuffed away in a supermax with his contemporaries.

Dustin Douchebag Fucktard Who Hates Fully Forrested Females! Fuck You!

Dustin Douchebag Fucktard Who Hates Fully Forrested Females! Fuck You, Douchebag Dustin!

Even more obvious, there is an entire publishing staff at Gawker that is as twisted as Dominiak for allowing this kind of sick and twisted comment to go unannotated and for Dominiak to go unreported to the police.

But this is what really fucking kills me. Everyone went apeshit on his ass about “slut-shaming” Christine, on and on, about how misogynist the story was and how the media had no business exposing her everyday sex life with random strangers but no one had the common decency to condemn this asshole for the insult he hurled at me, the Glossy Beaver, healthy, lovingly cared for, fully forested tuft of lady yummyness, goddammit.

Failure to appreciate female forestation is not only unhealthy – waxing can lead to all kinds of ailments – but depilation and other twisted personal grooming manias marked the end of the Roman Republic. Guys, it’s not about me. Any dweeb that can get by phalanxes of editors and culture stalkers pointing out that a glossy beaver was a turn-off without comment or condemnation is indicative of a deeply sick and, likely, doomed culture.

10 comments:

9:50 am • Tuesday • November 2, 2010

You’ve done a public service, Chainsaw. But seriously, if exposing her ma’amscaping practices were to lead to Delaware remaining Demrat at the end of the day, I’d at least give this guy a running start ahead of the mule train that should scoop him up and drop him in the middle of Ciudad Juarez with a 32oz Tecate and a sign pinned to his back that says “DEA”.

11:57 am • Tuesday • November 2, 2010

Boourns! Sorry I didn’t check my email last night and resend those pics. I was ready for my closeup.

1:04 pm • Tuesday • November 2, 2010

Um. Wow, Chainsaw.

1:38 pm • Tuesday • November 2, 2010

I still think a trimmed bush is the polite thing to do when slutting around. Less for the crabs to grab, you know?

3:00 pm • Tuesday • November 2, 2010

I think Mdm Beaver would let you know about the virtues of soap and water.

3:37 pm • Tuesday • November 2, 2010

@FlyingChainSaw: And the great unwashed. (Although they do admit to and making the sign of the cross <– face, underarms, nether regions.)

Then there's this tip about maintaining long hair:

I won’t even tell you what my Madison Avenue hairdresser, Joseph — the consummate high-end hair professional! — told me about how we shouldn’t even be using all those chemically laden shampoos. O.K., I will tell you: Those shampoos strip out the hair’s protective oils, and then you have to replace them with other chemical brews. He recommends regular hot water rinses and massaging of the scalp with fingertips. A little patience is required while the scalp’s natural oils rebalance themselves and — voilà — glossy, thick tresses, for free.

5:18 pm • Tuesday • November 2, 2010

“celerity teabaggers”? Their hands are quicker than your eye?

5:22 pm • Tuesday • November 2, 2010

@lynnlightfoot: Alacrity Copyeditors to the rescue!

5:28 pm • Tuesday • November 2, 2010

Noooooo! Let the typo stand!

5:29 pm • Tuesday • November 2, 2010

Boo! We could have changed it to “celeriac.”

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