Noted Political Historian Wm. O’Reilly Defines Fascism
onfession time: When I was but a lad I spent a few years studying at a relatively well known Northeastern university which shall remain nameless except to say that it wasn’t Yale because, Jesus Christ, I’ve got standards, OK? Cut me some slack. At any rate, in the process of becoming “well rounded” I did take a political philosophy course with a Professor named Cohen. In fact, there were two Professor Cohens in my alma matter’s Political Science Department: one who was often invited to chair Presidential advisory panels and dated super models, and one who didn’t. My professor Cohen was the latter. And the reason my Professor Cohen didn’t chair Presidential Advisory Panels or date supermodels, I suspect, is because he lacked a certain… er… how shall I put it… intellectual rigor. If you asked him to, for instance, define “fascism,” the guy would ramble on for ages about militarism, cults of personality, authoritarianism, institutional racism, and blah, blah, blah. And when it was all over you were no closer to determining whether your RA confiscating your roomate’s water bong was an act of fascism or not. You knew it was fascism, of course, but Professor Cohen had done precious little to help you argue the case.
If only this lesser Cohen were a bit more like Bill O’Reilly! Gaze in wonder, my friends, at the marvelous, almost effortless simplicity with which O’Reilly schools a bemused John Stossell on the meaning of Fascism. Fascism, O’Reilly convincgly argues, is nothing more –and nothing less– than forbidding your employees from greeting your customers with the phrase “Merry Christmas.” Regardez:
Now, John Stossel, being John Stossel, wants desperately to agree with O’Reilly –who like himself despises liberals– but simply cannot. Asked to choose between God and Mammon, Stossel wastes no time shitting on the blessed corpse of Baby Jesus by rejecting outright the notion that the noble captains of industry who built this shining city on the hill are, in professor O’Reilly’s words “fascist pinheads” for telling their workers to stop greeting customers with the traditional season’s greeting: “Merry Christmas, Jewboy, how does it feel to have Baby Jesus’s blood on your hands? (btw, I totally support Israel).” Plus, if you think about it, Stossel argues, it’s really the unions that are fascist, because there’s nothing more fascistic than workers uniting to demand higher wages, better working conditions and the ability to retire when they grow old.
At any rate, this is probably the greatest and most informative interview ever… like most interviews on Fox.
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9:17 pm • Thursday • December 10, 2009
Sorry, I was so distracted by the beauty of the use of the illustrated letter to start this little fairy tale, I decided I didn’t want to waste the 5 minutes of my life I’d never get back by watching these two assholes.