Miss Congeniality

Good god but sometimes the wierdness of this country leaves me slackjawed.

A bunch of young women dress up like sluts and parade themselves around a hideous set so a bunch of ex-celebrity losers can pick which of them most nearly fits the current TV commercial idea of beauty. And then they pretend to be Christians. Je suis gobsmacked. And what is it with gay men watching this crap? I don’t get it it. It smacks of all those Project Idol Runway Model shows. I simply cannot comprehend the attraction. I guess I’m too old. But I never went for that sort of thing. If I want camp I want it high: but, not to get too pompous about it, I tend to think that camp=death. I went to the Fox site and read about the ‘controversy’ (as if) and left my own: Perhaps it had something to do with her plastic tits? So I’ve done my part.

Anyone see Smile directed by Michael Ritchie? It’s almost a good movie but is too afraid to alienate the audience by saying what it really means. There’s a very funny scene in which one of the contestants, as her talent part of the pageant, shows the audience how to pack a suitcase. But the great choreographer Michael Kidd (7 Brides, etc) is scathing playing a choreographer in the movie. It was turned into an appallingly bad musical which seemed to be trying to make us all love the idea of beauty pageants and admire the young women for their independence and to, like, share, and such as. And I should say, the women I’ve worked with who were beauty pageanteers were pretty funny and feisty. Which leaves me more confused than ever. Oh, and I just remembered, some years ago there was a drag musical play entitled Pageant which was marvelously funny and savage. It ran quite a while off Broadway. I saw it twice and it was particularly good when Miss Texas lost (the audience voted).

And don’t get me started on that terrible Little Miss Sunshine movie.

And yes I am putting off getting to work. You wanna make something of it? Huh? Do ya?

@Benedick My son’s high school did Smile his senior year. The woman who played the “wronged” contestant came and consulted, and wanted to take my son back to NY with her (I explained he was going to college, which she dismissed.) My son was the earnest car dealer. What better show to do when you have an abundance of very talented young women?

Their high school does 12 shows a year…now my daughter is deep in it—ah, the theatre!

It is times like this I miss my “US America” meme creator Miss Teen South Carolina and her idiot speech about US America, Iraqis and Maps.

@Benedick:
I can speak as a straight male who loves women… I feel the same way about pageants. WTF!?!

poor thing – first that horrid refund gap, now this.

@ManchuCandidate: I’ve never understood pageants, but outside our borders, and especially in Latin America, they are huge. I interviewed a former Miss for a legal assistant position in my office in Costa Rica, and throughout the entire interview I was transfixed with two things: (1) how perfect her poise, posture and diction (in two languages) were, and (2) how utterly unqualified for the job she was. She couldn’t answer questions without lapsing into “pageant-speak”, and we hired a more qualified candidate.

@Nabisco:
For a moment there, I thought those two things you distracted by were regarding anatomy…

For the past ten years or so, I immediately think of JonBenet Ramsey when I hear the words “beauty pageant.” So horrifying on so many different levels.

And: Perez Hilton was one of the judges for Miss USA? WTF?

@SanFranLefty:
Apparently Sanjaya and William Hung had better things to do.

So I guess I’m “opposite married”, fourteen years this summer.

My “opposite”, Mrs RML informs me that Texas pageant women are the most competitive women she ever met. “Anyone who gets up at 5 am to put all that make up on is hardcore,” she says. Mrs RML twirled a flaming baton in high school, once in 10 degree weather with her skimpy suit on in front of several hundred Lubbock high football fans.

I also ead one time that there were a couple of gay cats from Dallas or somewhere who had the pagaent prep and production thing down to a science.

The mother of Miss New Mexico got into a screaming match with a Miss Cali fan the other night over loser girl’s misguided position.

Hey – Ben E. Dick – did you see the SWAT guy story I posted for you?

@ManchuCandidate: She was actually rather plain, especially measured against the Costa Rican standard which is stop-you-in-your-tracks bella. Nonetheless, I insisted on a panel interview so that I couldn’t be accused of undue bias one way or another.

ADD: Has it occurred to any of these dimwits that Miss Cali was beaten because of the idiotic way she answered the question, not by her actual position on the issue? I mean, “opposite marriages”, such as.

@redmanlaw: I did. Very impressive. It’s men like these who are really turning things around. As others have noted the first thing to do is get the living wills, powers of attorney, joint accounts, etc. The trouble is, as I understand it, none of that actually has to be honored if a hospital doesn’t feel like it. Still, we have to do what we can. My particular nightmare is driving through, say, SC and being in an accident in a state where none of our legal safeguards would mean anything. The OH was recently in a hospital here for some minor surgery and I had no trouble at all.

Banner is displaying a rather creepy ad asking if I want to be the next Miss Teen USA.
Um, no.

I am getting the even creepier “we are seeking the Cute Kid of the Year”.

And I’m getting the 7X Energy ad with the male model. The mixed messages and everything.

Incidentally: if memory serves (based on five-second glance at newspaper), Miss North Carolina won. Betcha a whole dollar that she is less than thrilled by the marrying of the gheys. (Obviously, I didn’t watch the pageant. And so I don’t know for sure and, truly, care little about who won — except that the winners come predominantly from Dixie. And also that their teeth are used to signal planes on final approach.)

But also: is this the first time that a pageant loser cried or whined or something?

The law firm I worked for hired a former Miss OK who had gone to law school (OU). Things hit a snag when it turned out that she had forgotten to register to take the bar exam. Of course the male senior partners gave her a pass and brought her on board as a clerk until she could take the bar on the next go-round. Sweet, dumb, and jeebus-y as all get-out. Wouldn’t have a drink in public (though she would in private) because it “wouldn’t be appropriate for the image of a Miss OK.” She did pass the bar, however, which doesn’t say much for OK’s standards.

I think Drop Dead Gorgeous is the best pageant sendup, its vicious and very black. Ellen Barkin is actually funny, who knew?

I want Civony chick back.

@Nabisco: That has to be the scariest aspect of pageants–the mental reprogramming. The looks fade, but the pageant-speak never will. They will think in pageant Q&A format the rest of their lives. Case in point: Talibunny.

@redmanlaw: Have you been watching the We Shall Remain series on PBS’s American Experience? I’ve been very impressed with it so far and plan to tune in for the remainder of the series. The Tecumseh episode last night was great. And of course, most of this information is new to me, as it was either glossed over quickly or skipped entirely in my “American” history classes in school.

@Mistress Cynica: I worked with a former Miss New York, but it was Miss New York 1950-something. She was in the Miss America Pageant and everything. She volunteered for the Holt campaign when I was working for him. She was smart. Later on in her life, she was a five-time Jeopardy champion, back when they retired you after 5 times. That made two five-time Jeopardy champs there, because Rush also won 5 times.

DEVELOPING: Ron Paul, in re secession, said that he thought the talk wasn’t terribly serious, but said that America was born out of secession from Great Britain — which is trueish. And then this:

We as a nation have endorsed secession all along. Think of all of the secession of the countries and the republics from the Soviet system. We were delighted. We love it. And yet we get hysterical over this just because people want to debate and defend the principle of secession, that doesn’t mean they’re calling for secession. I think it’s that restraining element of secession that would keep the federal government from doing so much. In our early history, they accepted the principles of secession all along.

Dear Lord — this is going turn into a craptacular movement, isn’t it?

[ADD: Note that I don't think this has support in the South beyond the fringes. I mean, look at a NASCAR event on teevee. You don't see any Stars and Bars waving in the -- oh skip it.]

@chicago bureau:
Paultardia will, er, rise again!

I just think it would be easier for him and his followers join the Somali Pirates instead. Arrrh, Capt’n Ron?

@chicago bureau: The Party of Lincoln talking about secession? Yes, I think we have a winner.

DEVELOPING HARD: Black Eagle tacking on torture memoranda, prosecutions in relation to same.

OK. Rahm dismissal, Obama dialback. Which one is the trial balloon and which one is the real deal?

Nojo was right yesterday — it’s triangulation without the obviousness.

@Mistress Cynica: Mrs Beaver in the Beaver Toyota ad below was a former Miss Oklahoma. Her kids went to Catholic school with Son of RML and the nuns could not kiss her butt enough. She got to use special staff parking, etc.

@flippin eck: I have been watching it at the request of some of my cool Indian women friends who had something to do with it on the funding or consulting side and am enjoying it so far. Last night’s was pretty good. Someone needs to do a Pueblo Revolt story. We won our war v. the Spanish colonists in 1680 and it changed everything for us. Next week: Santa Fe guy Wes Steudi. Mrs RML is better friends with him than I am.

http://www.beavertoyota.com/news-letter.html

@redmanlaw: Beaver Toyota. I see.

@chicago bureau: As before noted, they can go as soon as they like but they’ve got to take OK with them.

@redmanlaw: Oh boy – SarahPAC is back! Let’s take their money.

T/J. Jon (I forgot the H) Stewart is dead to me. I just saw him mocking the NYRB!!!! That’s right. You can mock the Pope all you like but do not mock Mark Danner.

@chicago bureau: Looks like Barry’s going to let the Office of Professional Counsel (or whatever it is) do the dirty work for him. Report comes out saying the DOJ cronies violated professional ethics, Barry expresses remorse but lets the process take care of itself.

@Benedick: Jon Stewart vs. NYRB: An Exchange

He wasn’t mocking Danner, just the odd Danner-less reference to the NYRB by a national political figure. You hear about the Nation and TNR and such all the time in those precincts, but not the NYRB. And Stewart probably has a Levine wall calendar in his office.

@chicago bureau:

Oh, goody. I’m tired of the news media pretending that Ron Paul is somehow “respectable” even after publication of his racist rants.

I think Hopey just punched Cheney in the balls for running his fucking mouth off Sunday. Hopey says yes to torture investigations now. I think Hopey is doing a fantastic job of reassuring needed non-political CIA lifers that he is not going after the rank and file who acted in good faith, but that he is going after those who ordered and justified it.

And you know all evil roads lead to Cheney, and once any of his henchman are really looking at serious time, they will roll over and give him up in a second.

@Prommie: I don’t think Satan/Basement Cat would even want to claim Cheney as one of his minions.

In re beauty queens, DEVELOPING HARD: Gavin Newsom’s running for governor. God help us.

@nojo: OK. (trying to breathe here and NOT get too upset) OK. So like Stewart is all “Hoity toity” with a monocle like the NYRB is somehow elitist and snooty and that is so wrong. Plus Mark Danner has done best reporting (Hello, Wurlitzer prize and such as) since Prenit Bunnypants stole the election and he should just back off. Srsly.

@chicago bureau: That’s a shock.

@Benedick: And John Oliver plays off Brit stereotypes every chance he gets.

I’ve been an NYRB subscriber for, oh, twenty years now. Stewart wasn’t attacking the publication, but messing with its public reputation. No harm, no foul.

@redmanlaw:

The Republicans are getting desperate for fresh blood, aren’t they?

@nojo: What do you mean? What Brit stereotypes? Nothing out of the ordinary so far as I can see. Nice normal public school boy type.

No harm, no foul? With a monocle????? Yeah. Don’t be surprised when this hits D-Listed. Of which I have heard. Somewhat.

BTW. Having big cleanout of attic (don’t ask) and finally got rid of my stash of NYRB going back to like 84 or 5. I have taken a vow on a bottle of Skyy vodka never to hoard them again.

@chicago bureau: Developing “hard” is right. Newsome and probable candidate LA Mayor Villaraigosa both have zipper issues.

@Dodgerblue:

With Newsom, I’d think it’d be his (makes drinky drinky motion) troubles that might be more problematic than his trouser snake.

@Original Andrew: I didn’t know that. In my own experience, heavy drinking does not make for hard developing. I believe the Porter’s speech in the Scottish Play references this.

@Original Andrew: His “drinking problem” was the convenient excuse proffered to explain why he fucked his best friend/Chief of Staff/Campaign manager’s wife (who was a scheduler in his office with a notorious coke problem). Oh, and both Gavin and his then-fiancee the wanna-be actress/trustfund baby Jennifer Siebold justified the sexual encounters by saying that the woman was drunk and stoned out of her mind and “just showed up” at Gavin’s apartment doorstep and he gallantly brought her in to his place and had sex with her. Nevermind that there’s a question as to whether that sort of behavior actually falls under the definition of sexual assault under the California Penal Code.

Newsom declared he was going to go to “rehab” when it fit in his schedule at Delancy Street (great organization). Yet he is still regularly pictured in the gossip rags here at many an event holding a glass of wine or champagne. And friends who live close to the restaurants he co-owns with the Gettys say he can still be found there consuming an entire bottle of wine alone.

Newsom is a pretty boy who is as dumb as a sack of hammers* and will (hopefully) get slaughtered in the primary by Jerry Brown (or DiFi). At this point, I am planning to cross to the other side in the primaries and vote for Tom Campbell, who is a thoughtful smart libertarian. And if (FSM forbid) Gavin or Villaraigosa are the Dem nominees, I will vote for Campbell in the general election.

* Jury is out as to whether he is as dumb as Dodgerblue’s City Councilman/Maria Shriver brother who has his sights on higher state office.

* Come to think of it, Gavin is like the Democratic version of George W. Bush. Dumb as shit, talks a lot, doesn’t actually get anything done. But Gavin does have better hair.

ADD: You all may not be hearing from me much for the next few days. I’m staying at a hotel in the Midwest that has the world’s slooooooowest dial-up ever. Must.Get.iPhone.

SanFranLefty: Yo! Anywhere close?

@chicago bureau:
I wish I were. Unfortunately I’m about 600 miles west of you.