Take Back Your Cash and Leave a Tall Steaming Tip On Your Way Out
My Money, You Sick Gangster, My Money and They'll Be No Trouble
Banking has indeed changed since Reagan declared America’s financial system was open for looting. In fact, what used to be a relatively consumer friendly system has been transformed, most dramatically at the money center banks, into a rapacious house of horrors in which usary laws have been essentially repealed and retail customers regarded as suckers ready to be stomped unconscious and ass-raped into quivering comas.
Your balance dipped below $100,000? Oh, hey, sorry, asshole, but the poor are deeply fucking offensive and maintaining a piece of shit account like that is going to cost you. Didn’t keep track of the fact that we changed the due date and grace period on your credit card 16 times in 11 months and you paid late? Shame you can’t pay fucking attention, asshole, because you’ve exposed yourself as a bad risk and are subject to 550% interest. Oh, you’re going to cancel the card? Try it, fuckface, just try it and we’ll file a credit report that will have the sorry fucks holding your note calling it in and putting you on the street so fast your spine will stop flying a half hour after you come to rest.
Steve Pizzo over at the Smirking Chimp had the right idea, arguing that people should take their money out of the big money center banks and put it in a community bank. Generally, any community bank or credit union will ass rape you a good deal less than most money center banks but they’re not all created equal. Check their safety and soundness ratings at the Bank Rate Monitor, ask about their fees and rate structures on common deposit and debt instruments and, most importantly, remember to tell the banker why you are leaving their sorry assed organized crime scam, in the most dramatic way possible.
Here’s the Stinque-approved, leaving your money center bank in style protocol. Walk into the bank holding your passbooks, checkbooks and ATM cards over your head, announcing that the usurious, criminal enterprise will no longer have use of your money to rob and abuse Americans. Ask for a manager and demand a bank check for all your deposits. Spread out some newspapers, toss your banking instruments on them, drop your trousers and drop a massive shit on them while singing the Internationale. When you’re done, literally roll up your business and head for the door, leaving them with a choice comment on your way out along the lines of: “Fuck your so-called fucking bank! Fuck your fees! And fuck you!”
Readers who manage to get their withdrawal story in the local papers, especially one that mentions the Stinque.com deposits liberation protocol, will receive a beer with a Stinque correspondent if they live within a trolley ride of the Stinquer.
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4:14 am • Tuesday • April 7, 2009
In Sandy Eggo, the official liberation libation station is Shakespeare’s Pub, a wonderful place to watch satellite futbol, participate in the Monday-night quiz, and lament the Empire.