Schlong Gobbling Senator Larry Craig Drops Appeal to Reverse Plea in Bathroom Man-Sex Soliciting Case

Schlong Crazed Bathroom Sex Buccaneer Larry Craig

Schlong-Crazed Gay Bathroom Sex Buccaneer Larry Craig Gives Up Trying to Prove He Doesn't Gobble Schlong Anonymously in Bathrooms

The legendary Republican gay bathroom sex buccaneer, former Idaho Senator Larry Craig, has given up his legal attempts to prove he is not a schlong-gobbling gay bathroom sex buccaneer, much to the disappointment of those enemies of hypocrisy who enjoyed seeing this avowed opponent of legalized same-sex marriage denying over and over again in court that he does not wander around airport men’s rooms begging men to stuff their schlongs into his gaping, eager maw.

The Associated Press reported Thursday that the bathroom sex buccaneer from Idaho had “decided to abandon his effort to overturn his 2007 guilty plea to charges connected with a sex sting in the Minneapolis-St. Paul International Airport.”

The former senator and his legal team surmised, correctly, that reversing his guilty plea to June 11, 2007 charges for attempted solicitation of schlong from an undercover police officer who arrested him in a Minnesota airport restroom would prove futile and would only serve to provide hilarity to his enemies.

“We’ve concluded that the Supreme Court would not accept this for review,” Kelly told the Associated Press.

The news was met with near despair at Stinque’s editorial offices, as the Senator (R – Last Stall on the Right) was an iconographic figure, the closeted, homosexual fascist hypocrite and same-sex marriage opponent who appeared destined to offer comic self-parody for the rest of his otherwise worthless and useless life.

As soon as the story broke, seemingly thousands of guys jumped out of the woodwork claiming to have had sex with Larry Craig or to have been stalked by the insatiable gay satyre as he cruised gay bars, bathrooms and even retailers. It seemed as if a guy could not go out and buy a pair of sneakers without Craig popping up and begging to gobble his schlong.

Craig apparently will be receiving a pension of around $100,000 a year for his career of evil in the Senate and he has opened some kind of consulting practice, no doubt whoring his contacts in government and possibly leveraging blackmail-quality inside info on closeted legislators for his clients.

Now when he is caught gobbling schlong next to the urinals in the Union Station men’s room, he’ll be written up as just another K Street bathroom goblin. Will the Senate ever offer as much hilarity ever again?

blogenfreude adds:

22 comments:

10:50 am • Saturday • January 10, 2009

So, is it safe to go out and buy sneakers along the Bo-Wash corridor? Cause I’m running on cardboard flats at this point….

WTF is it with holding up the seating of the sad sack, but apparently adorable Smurf Roland Burris but not having the stones to have kicked Craig out on his closeted-and-in-public-denial ass?

10:55 am • Saturday • January 10, 2009

@nabisco:
Repubs live in a fantasy world where they are the only ones who are strong, beautiful and wise thus any real flaw (in this case Larry’s comical denial of his true sexuality) is ignored or glossed over.

Senate Demrats are innately afraid of taint, Blago or not, and will do anything to avoid it (see Iraq war vote.)

11:22 am • Saturday • January 10, 2009

Look out for memoir It Ain’t Gay if You Don’t Swallow with touching blurbs by Regis Philbin and Jason Statham.

11:56 am • Saturday • January 10, 2009

The Bathroom Goblin – we may never see his like again. And Bob Allen? Gary Aldridge? Where are the GOP hypocrites, perverts, and kid touchers of the future? This need must be met.

12:03 pm • Saturday • January 10, 2009

@Benedick: Mmmmmmm…Jason Statham. He doesn’t have to swallow or do any of the grunt work. And he can say he is as straight as an arrow. I won’t mind one bit.

12:04 pm • Saturday • January 10, 2009

He’s getting his pension?? Thank FSM I don’t pay taxes.

12:09 pm • Saturday • January 10, 2009
12:33 pm • Saturday • January 10, 2009

@nabisco: No, it’s not safe. Craig will be at large, getting a pension that is four times the average income for families in the US with no obligations to be anywhere – but in the aisle at KMart waving his tongue at men trying to buy sneakers, or the men’s bathroom in the Applebee’s shuffling after men on his knees, grunting beseechingly and pointing to his open mouth. No, you best not shop, travel or eat at restaurants until this menace has been taken off of the streets.

12:38 pm • Saturday • January 10, 2009

@homofascist: I am hearing the rumblings of a major new butt-secks scandal coming down the pike involving a celebrity evangelical minister, the guest house behind his mansion and a ‘close male friend’. No I don’t know who it is but I’m living in hope for Rick Warren.

12:45 pm • Saturday • January 10, 2009

@Benedick: Excuse me? This is my specialty. I need details. Send an email if prudence is required. FCS and I will handle it from there.

12:47 pm • Saturday • January 10, 2009

@Benedick: Please let it break before the inauguration. I’ve got the Armenian Orthodox Metropolitan on tap to offer to the inauguration committee and he promised he would pray for strength so he can resist pawing at or biting Michelle Obama’s delicious derriere during the ceremony.

1:03 pm • Saturday • January 10, 2009

@blogenfreude: @FlyingChainSaw: Not that I ever read such gossip sites but here is an opening shot. Money seems to be on Joel Osteen whose gayface can be seen here.

Oh please, oh please…!

1:07 pm • Saturday • January 10, 2009

@Benedick: Damn – I can’t fucking stand him. That sanctimonious nonsense when he’s interviewed, and that fugly wife who misbehaves on planes. Oh please – this would be better than Ted Haggard.

1:09 pm • Saturday • January 10, 2009

@blogenfreude: Ou sont les perverts de l’autretemps?

1:09 pm • Saturday • January 10, 2009

@blogenfreude: I’m on my knees right now.

1:16 pm • Saturday • January 10, 2009

@Benedick: Oh, I SO want that to be full of truthiness. I can’t stand Osteen and I already have a list of RW relation that I’m ready to gloat to if this is true. Bring on the Manuary Surprise!

1:24 pm • Saturday • January 10, 2009

@Benedick: Wow, I dunno about gayface but it looks like you could hurt yourself on his wife’s hair.

1:27 pm • Saturday • January 10, 2009

“It seemed as if a guy could not go out and buy a pair of sneakers without Craig popping up and begging to gobble his schlong.” This is why I like to shop on Amazon.com.

1:30 pm • Saturday • January 10, 2009

@Dodgerblue: So you are closer to your online porn?

Don’t knock BJs from guys. There are a lot worse things that can happen to you.

1:33 pm • Saturday • January 10, 2009

@homofascist: I think the recent rash of PUMA posts have proved that pretty positively.

2:11 pm • Saturday • January 10, 2009

@Benedick: I saw one of Obama’s new appointees referred to as “aggressively gay-faced.” It made me lol, because I’d never heard the term before.

2:28 pm • Saturday • January 10, 2009

@homofascist: Busted!
Yes. Sex of any kind with Hillary would be one of them.

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